Pity Party

Yesterday I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

We sat in the room to meet with the radiation Dr. and I was brought back to the day we found out Trav's cancer was back (with a vengeance).

It's hard to explain how easy it is to pretend we are just a normal family. We get pretty used to our life the way it is. It's always there, but we push it back to the farthest darkest corners of our minds till something reminds us of the severity of it all.

Sometimes it just slaps you in the face. Travis will get an ache or pain and my stomach is just in knots for fear that the cancer has taken over another spot in his body. His cankers take over, and it reminds me we are facing something pretty ugly, but for the most part, we are more then happy to deny it, and pretend it's not there.

Back to yesterday.

I sat in the room with the Dr. and just kept wondering "How did we get here? Why us? Why do I have to spend a good chunk of my life worrying about the future? And why does Trav have to go through it all?"

Yesterday I was reminded again how crappy cancer is. I just felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and left the office thinking about cancer in his brain. Cancer in his spine. Wondering when it will spread, praying it hasn't spread.

I'll admit, I threw me a pretty great pity party. I was a super baby yesterday.

Then this morning I woke up to sun.
I woke up to good news from the Dr. (no cancer in the brain does something for the soul).
Then the Radiation Dr. called and said she has already spoken with the specialist in SL. (Doctors who do things quickly also do good things for the soul).
She thinks that we will do only 5 radiation treatments in really high doses.
Yesterday we were thinking 6-12 weeks of daily treatments, so this is an upgrade.
(We will meet with her on Tuesday and know more then).

Tonight after I got over my selfishness, I checked the blog of someone we know (through the blogging world) who is battling esophageal cancer. My heart just dropped when I read that he had a scan on Friday that revealed his cancer has pretty much taken over. He is young, they have young kids. They don't have a lot of options left for treatments, and are trying to find the balance between fighting, and trusting in the Lord.

I'm ashamed to have spent the day yesterday feeling sorry for myself. Please don't read this and feel like you need to comment on how I'm entitled to have a bad day. I know I am. I know that it's ok, but am writing this down to remind myself that we have been pretty lucky during our fight compared to some. We've had miraculous results, and still have options, and time.

I'm so thankful for that. I'm just going to give myself a little attitude adjustment and try a little harder to treasure what we have. I think it's a good reminder for all of us.

Keep my blogging friends in your prayers. They deserve that.