Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Pity Party

Yesterday I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

We sat in the room to meet with the radiation Dr. and I was brought back to the day we found out Trav's cancer was back (with a vengeance).

It's hard to explain how easy it is to pretend we are just a normal family. We get pretty used to our life the way it is. It's always there, but we push it back to the farthest darkest corners of our minds till something reminds us of the severity of it all.

Sometimes it just slaps you in the face. Travis will get an ache or pain and my stomach is just in knots for fear that the cancer has taken over another spot in his body. His cankers take over, and it reminds me we are facing something pretty ugly, but for the most part, we are more then happy to deny it, and pretend it's not there.

Back to yesterday.

I sat in the room with the Dr. and just kept wondering "How did we get here? Why us? Why do I have to spend a good chunk of my life worrying about the future? And why does Trav have to go through it all?"

Yesterday I was reminded again how crappy cancer is. I just felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and left the office thinking about cancer in his brain. Cancer in his spine. Wondering when it will spread, praying it hasn't spread.

I'll admit, I threw me a pretty great pity party. I was a super baby yesterday.

Then this morning I woke up to sun.
I woke up to good news from the Dr. (no cancer in the brain does something for the soul).
Then the Radiation Dr. called and said she has already spoken with the specialist in SL. (Doctors who do things quickly also do good things for the soul).
She thinks that we will do only 5 radiation treatments in really high doses.
Yesterday we were thinking 6-12 weeks of daily treatments, so this is an upgrade.
(We will meet with her on Tuesday and know more then).

Tonight after I got over my selfishness, I checked the blog of someone we know (through the blogging world) who is battling esophageal cancer. My heart just dropped when I read that he had a scan on Friday that revealed his cancer has pretty much taken over. He is young, they have young kids. They don't have a lot of options left for treatments, and are trying to find the balance between fighting, and trusting in the Lord.

I'm ashamed to have spent the day yesterday feeling sorry for myself. Please don't read this and feel like you need to comment on how I'm entitled to have a bad day. I know I am. I know that it's ok, but am writing this down to remind myself that we have been pretty lucky during our fight compared to some. We've had miraculous results, and still have options, and time.

I'm so thankful for that. I'm just going to give myself a little attitude adjustment and try a little harder to treasure what we have. I think it's a good reminder for all of us.

Keep my blogging friends in your prayers. They deserve that.

7 comments:

Watkins said...

I know I always say this, but our prayers are with you. Bless you and Travis for all you go through. You keep your faith and hope and always show great courage. You are in our hearts each day.

The Hammons' said...

Thanks for your perspective and reminder. It's funny we all have bad days, but we can always find someone with worse days.... Thanks for reminding me to be grateful. You are awesome and always in our prayers!

The Smith Family said...

Hayley, you are so strong and I admire you a lot!! You will be in my prayers!!

Mandi Moon said...

Hayley, you are seriously a rock. When I lived there I didn't even know this was going on until I started reading your blog. You hide everything very well from us on the outside.
I can't imagine what you are going through. But I can relate to going through trials that you don't understand why is this happening to me/us. I just keep holding on to the fact that He won't give me more than I can handle.
You are in my thoughts Hayley, you and your precious family! XOXO

Steph said...

I am so sorry that your family has to go through this. I recently finished chemo for colon cancer. I got my scans and was fully expecting the doctor to say it was clean. Well, they found two spots on my liver. They are too small to worry about now but I will have another scan in three months and we will go from there.
I have had two momements that I allowed myself to cry and feel sorry for myself. It did me no good. Stay strong and trust in the Lord. He loves us and doesn't want us to suffer needlessly. Any suffering we go through only refines our character. I know this will be a long road for me and I decided to face each day with joy. We all die sometime. The time I am living I want to be wonderful. You have strangers praying for your family and sending love. Everything will be okay. I can promise you that. Hope you can hang in there and spend however many or not so many years left with your family in happiness. Best wishes.
Stephanie Carroll

The Falkers said...

LOVE!

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