Saturday, July 20, 2013

{Late Night Ramblings}

 (Sometimes when I blog late at night, I wonder if' I'll regret it in the morning...)

I wrote a post a few days ago,
and it was a jumbled I didn't publish it.

It was pretty much a detailed report of our latest trip to the hospital.
I'm gonna spare you that post.
The gist of it was this:

Travis was in a lot of pain in his lower back/rib area.
Not sure why it hit him SO hard, SO fast,
but we rushed to the ER twice,
and were admitted the second time.

I'll spare you the details about the horrific amount of pain he was in.
But it was a lot.

I wont go into too much detail about how one of the pain meds they gave him refused to 
flush through his poorly working kidney,
making him forgetful, hallucinate, and be completely incoherent.
Funny for a second,
and then really sad.
I was worried he wasn't gonna find himself again.
Oh and that drug also made him have violent, violent jerking he couldn't control.
Think turrets.

I wont tell you exactly what happened when he was given a drug
to control the jerks that he was allergic too.
It was scary.
And sad.
And I'm glad we were at the hospital where they knew what to do.

He was given a nerve block and is home and recovering well,
but it is taking some time.
The pain is better, 
but he is exhausted and has resumed chemo.
It's hard to recover from such a week
when you are filling yourself with poison.
But you know T...
he can't wait to get back to work!

This trip was hard on all of us.
Hard on Travis for the obvious reasons.
So hard on the kids.
Each time he goes in they worry.
And get really homesick,
 (which is funny, because they could go days without coming 
home if we were here...but when we were at the hospital they needed us.)
And it's hard on me.
And for some reason this time was the hardest yet.

It wasn't as terrifying as when his kidney almost failed.
But trying to balance taking care of him,
and being the mom my kids need me to be,
and remembering to eat...
it just was a lot to take in.

And now that we are home,
I've had a hard time kicking back into gear.

I'm tired.
Trav's tired.

When we come home from the hospital,
it's not like things are great and wonderful again.

Travis still has stage 4 cancer.
That has been spreading the past few months.
That we can't find a drug to control.
And each time we go to the hospital it is a reminder of how hard
things will eventually become.
It's an ugly storm.
 I want to change it.
So much it hurts.

And it's summer.
I want to be out there with the rest of the world!
A selfish way to feel, I know, but part of the journey I guess.
This summer we haven't been able to do a thing.
And can't really plan anything, because it's just too hard.
I see others going on vacations,
or even simple day trips to bear lake-and I feel sad for my kids
because this year, we can't really do anything.

I don't resent anyone who gets to do these things...
just wish we were there along with you.
Thank goodness my kids have such great 
neighborhood friends.
I don't think they've realized how little they've done this summer.

And today, 
our air conditioner broke.
It felt like the last straw.
I was feeling extremely sorry for myself.
My Dad came to help and asked when the last time I 
had changed the filter was,
and I seriously lost it.

I can't wrap my head around all the jobs that Trav has done for so long.
The filter?
How the crap do I know when it was last changed?
And I'm trying to learn about our sprinkling system...
And our disposal broke the other day....
and apparently our alan wrench was the wrong size,
so I couldn't fix it.

You see.
I've been a bit overwhelmed.

Tonight though,
I've had a change of heart.

We left our extremely hot house 
and went to my parents for some air.
We played some games with my family.
Travis won them both.
A sure sign that he is improving.
And then came home.

I tucked sweet Roo in first.
I tickled her as I hugged her 
(Her favorite)
and watched her almond eyes squish shut completely because she 
was smiling so big.
I smooched her firm-rosy cheeks 
and instantly felt so crummy for how ungrateful I've been the past
few weeks.
I hope I never forget that little squished up face
scrunched up on her pillow.
It was an eye opener and a slap in the face.

I felt a little lighter when I snuck into Ady's room
to tuck her in.

She's older.
I sometimes try to do the 'hug/tickle' like I do to Sienna,
so she doesn't feel left out,
but she's now old enough that I only get a sympathy laugh.
Tonight Adyson just wanted to chat.
Her eyes were looking extremely blue,
and she was looking extremely grown up.
She talked about what "her calling in life is".
(Right now, it's to be a swimmer).
And when I told her tonight how hard she'd have to work at it,
she looked at me like "duh mom."
And when I told her I think she's beautiful,
she told me the same thing.
She is growing up to be quite a lovely little thing
who is always surprising us.
I'm so grateful for that kid.

I'm so grateful for them both.
 I'm gonna try real hard to pull myself out of this slump.
I think it's completely ok to sink down in it for a while.
We all do that when we are struggling, right?
But while I've been so blue about all the things that 
are missing in our life right now,
I've forgotten how blessed I am that Travis is here.
And that we have the sweetest girls who could light up the darkest room.

I'm not naive.
I know that there are days that I'm gonna feel like I'm drowning.
Watching Travis suffer is just so hard,
and sometimes I'm gonna let myself feel it all with him.
But I hope I can remind myself 
that I have a little face to smooch till she can't breathe she's laughing so hard,
and another little one who just wants to talk to me for as long as I'll let her.
And I am gonna be thankful that I have a husband who will fight through 
whatever is thrown his way.

We are sure grateful for how taken care of we've been
the past few weeks...months...years.
We came home to so many baskets,
cards, gifts, treats...
not to mention the lovely e-mails,
texts and messages sent our way.

For those who have asked,
what can you do?
Right now, we really don't need much.
Still need some privacy.
visitors are hard because
Travis needs to rest,
and when he can,
he does.

 We have been so taken care of already.
Just keep him in your prayers!
Love to all.