tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50944250307922108642024-02-06T19:58:09.574-08:00Crappy CancerHayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.comBlogger150125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-34678040274615146222014-10-19T21:17:00.000-07:002014-10-19T21:50:49.188-07:00{T day}<div style="text-align: center;">
Well.<br />
We've officially made it an entire year.<br />
The week leading up to our year mark felt pretty heavy to me,<br />
but the actual day was a beautiful, lovely day...<br />
mostly because so many of you helped to make it so.<br />
<br />
Travis would have loved it...in fact, I'm sure he did.<br />
<br />
I got e-mail after e-mail, text after text and pic after pic of such great acts!<br />
The entire day just made my heart feel warmed and full of joy,<br />
and I think it helped a lot of other people feel that way too.<br />
Anyone who loved Travis should be happy that this day was dedicated to him.<br />
<br />
I bet I'll miss a State or two...so if I did, correct me!<br />
But-last I checked, service was done in all of these places.<br />
<br />
Australia</div>
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NYC</div>
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Connecticut</div>
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Vegas</div>
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Minnesota</div>
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Missouri<br />
Michegan</div>
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Virginia</div>
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Idaho</div>
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Michigan</div>
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Nebraska<br />
Mexico<br />
Switzerland<br />
California<br />
Mexico<br />
and</div>
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ALL OVER Utah!<br />
<br />
So AWESOME.<br />
I know for a fact that I'm missing a lot of acts below,<br />
and there were A LOT of texts that just said<br />
"Did something for someone while thinking of T today."<br />
So great.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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A complete stranger and her family helped a man in need.</div>
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A friend sent darling orange filled boxes to missionaries</div>
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Families left gifts on peoples stoops.</div>
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Lots of cookies left on doorsteps.</div>
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Dinners for families moving.</div>
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Our local Hospice threw a BBQ to honor their employees in Trav's name.<br />
A friend saw that a women in our town was trying to find a cheap stroller on<br />
facebook because she couldn't fit her big one in the hospital to take her baby while she got chemo,<br />
they bought her a brand new one. This one made me cry.<br />
Lots of them made me cry....</div>
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Pumpkins donated in Trav's name for a fundraiser for someone battling cancer.</div>
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A very thoughtful gift for someone truly deserving.</div>
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A friend and her family made an orange cake and threw a party for grandparents.</div>
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A free photo session from a fabulous photographer for someone in need.</div>
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Letters to her children who needed a smile.</div>
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Drive-through Breakfast at McDonald's was bought for some cute little old ladies.</div>
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Orange Donuts were delivered to some friends.</div>
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Some surprised overdo library fines were paid.</div>
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Lots of sweet kids brought treats for teammates.</div>
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Lots of people donated to<br />
CACHE VALLEY FOR HOPE.</div>
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Lots of very happy people had their groceries paid for.</div>
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Aggie tickets were given to a few very happy people.</div>
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A friend helped his mom with some chores around the house.</div>
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Many secret services. Many.</div>
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Adorable kids cleaning the neighborhood parks.</div>
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Lots of kids used their own money to help out however they could.</div>
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A friend took Trav and My favorite sugar cookies (From the Sugar Cookie in Saint George)<br />
to people in the hospital. So awesome.</div>
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More dinners for deserving families.</div>
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Kids loading coolers and picking up garbage.</div>
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Lots of raked leaves.</div>
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Beautiful pies were baked and taken to others.</div>
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Brightened a family members day by surprising her with a visit.</div>
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Coins taped to the car wash (so creative!)</div>
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Horse rides were given.</div>
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Treats.</div>
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Olive Garden lunch was purchased for a cute couple.</div>
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A darling little girl gave away extra tickets at a carnival to a kid who needed them.</div>
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Visiting sick grandparents and giving cards.</div>
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Wendy's drive through, multiple times.</div>
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Grocery Carts were taken in.</div>
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Garbage's clean up.<br />
Garages were cleaned too!</div>
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Cookies were passed out at a parade.</div>
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Temple Work was done by multiple people.</div>
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The girls classes went to the cemetery to visit Trav's grave...<br />
they delivered flowers to lonely graves and cleaned up garbage on their way.</div>
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Roads were clean up by two very cute boys in orange in CA.</div>
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A friend offering a ride to someone who has to WALK a very far way to school, for the rest of the year.... very kind and generous.</div>
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A friend of mine and his wife were talking about what they could do in front of their kids, and the day got away from them. They felt really bad, until they pulled in their driveway and saw that their<br />
kids did jobs around the house, after overhearing them discuss it the day before. So great.</div>
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A friend brought in her neighbors (who is pregnant) garbage and helped donate to a couple in need of IVF.<br />
A dinner was purchased for someone serving our Country.<br />
A lunch at a drivethrough in Preston.</div>
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Helped a single mom with groceries and helped Grandparents rake leaves</div>
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A great family went to meet the Mormons and gave away movie passes and popcorn. So fun!</div>
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Lots and lots and lots of service from our YM/YW and Activity Day girls.</div>
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Dinner was purchased at a restaurant for a young family.<br />
A darling little boy left coins for the mechanic horse rides at the store. So adorable!</div>
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Secret services.</div>
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Food bank donations and kind notes to kids and friends.</div>
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Someone paid the field trip donations for some kids who couldn't afford it (such a great idea!)<br />
A few Boxes of Sunshine were sent.</div>
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Cobwebs and Windows were cleaned for an older woman, and her favorite food was purchased.</div>
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Friends delivered treats to fire fighters who helped their family during a fire last year.</div>
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Pumpkin bread was delivered (YUM!)</div>
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A friend edited pictures for family member who couldn't attend a funeral and sent them his way.<br />
My darling friend Marielle, who is serving in Switzerland contacted EVERY single person<br />
in orange for a whole day. This was too darling!<br />
Another friend on a mission did a service in Mexico.<br />
A cute friend had her daughter write a card and gave a stranger money.<br />
A friend paid for a young girls gas. The girl cried and told her she was worried about paying her bills. Pretty awesome.<br />
A friend served a man in need on the streets, and brought cupcakes to half the city of Smithfield.<br />
Someone delivered US our favorite cinnamon rolls... I told them it wasn't supposed to benefit us,<br />
as I chowed one down. :)<br />
Another friend cleaned the church, she felt like it wasn't enough, and they discussed service<br />
with their kids for FHE afterwards. She said she was very touched by how much it made them want to serve others. (And in my opinion, cleaning the church is a fabulous service!)<br />
Carmel apples were given to people at the temple.<br />
A gas card was given to someone at the gas station.<br />
Roo's soccer team wore orange socks, made orange cookies and let off orange balloons.<br />
It made her feel so special and it was so kind of everyone to surprise us and support us like that!<br />
<br />
I know I am forgetting some.<br />
I'm sorry if I forgot yours! We were bombarded by goodness all day long.<br />
<br />
Thank you to those who served. I can't help but wonder how many acts were passed on,<br />
how many were kept quiet, and I sure hope that the spirit of giving continues!<br />
<br />
I have no words to express my gratitude for helping us make that day so special.<br />
I was worried it was going to be incredibly hard.<br />
It was hard-but it was beautiful and filled with so much love.<br />
<br />
And I really have no words to express my gratitude for getting us through the past year.<br />
(Who am I kidding...the past 5 years!)<br />
We have been prayed for and served and so incredibly loved.<br />
People have met our needs before I realized exactly what it was that was needed.<br />
My friends have rescued me so many times. They've let me cry when I needed to,<br />
laugh when I really needed to, and vent at all times of the day.<br />
My kids have made such great, compassionate friends. <br />
They've had blessings from neighbors and grandpa when needed. <br />
They've been able to laugh and smile through a very hard time of their lives. <br />
I am so proud of them, and know that they couldn't get through it without the army of people helping us along the way.<br />
<br />
I miss our nightly chats, cooking his favorite food, holding his hand in the car.<br />
I miss his laughter and support.<br />
I miss him as a husband and best friend.<br />
And I miss him as a Father.<br />
Our family just looks different now.<br />
For a while, we are just 3 ladies trying to figure it all out.<br />
I figure if we stumble a little, that's ok.<br />
And am gonna do my best to pick us back up when we fall...<br />
so do your best not to judge me when I haven't picked us up quite as gracefully as Id like to.<br />
(If you judge me...I'll say this: I wouldn't wish this widowing shiz on my worst enemy.)<br />
(Yep, I wrote shiz. Judge away.)<br />
<br />
Looking forward I'm making goals for us three ladies.<br />
We will still talk about Travis daily.<br />
Because these girls will always know their Daddy.<br />
We are gonna fill our lives up with goodness.<br />
Before Trav died, we talked a lot about what I'd do without him.<br />
He told me to make sure we were happy...<br />
so we are gonna be happy.<br />
(I told him to do his best and not judge me from above for the mistakes I'm sure to make....<br />
he promised me he wouldn't:).<br />
We are gonna travel the world and wear gorgeous shoes.<br />
We are gonna stay up late on the weekends and sleep in as often as possible.<br />
We are going to grow our testimonies and I'm going to do my best to make sure they know how important that was to their Dad.<br />
We are going to make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them.<br />
And we are going to look for others to serve,<br />
because HEAVEN KNOWS that we've had our turn.<br />
<br />
Wish us luck on our journey,<br />
and thank you-from the very bottom of my heart-and from Trav's too,<br />
for the amazing support we've had over the years.<br />
We love you all.<br />
<br />
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Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-79887971390485034832014-10-10T23:16:00.001-07:002014-10-10T23:16:42.245-07:00{12 Months}<div style="text-align: center;">
Its 11:48 on October 10th.</div>
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I've been trying to get my mind to shut off...<br />
but I'm not succeeding.<br />
<br />
I just can't fathom how a year has gone by since my best friend passed away.<br />
I can't fathom that it's only been a year.<br />
<br />
Somedays it feels like it was yesterday-<br />
and others it feels like it was at least 10 years ago.<br />
<br />
This past few weeks have been full of very hard memories and emotions...<br />
and I like life much better when those things aren't so close to the surface.<br />
<br />
Here's what I've learned in the past 12 months.<br />
<br />
Not a day will go by where I wont miss him.<br />
Not one.<br />
<br />
Not a day will go by where the girls wont miss him.<br />
Not one.<br />
<br />
We miss his laugh, his confidence, his warmth..<br />
and just his physical presence.<br />
Even when he was incredibly weak,<br />
his strong spirit and heart helped strengthen our family.<br />
I would revel to be able to rub his forehead and give him a kiss before bed, one more time.<br />
And I would probably do just about anything to hear him say my name.<br />
Husbands don't say your name enough...<br />
it was always 'babe' or 'honey' or something like that...<br />
but when he said "Hayley" my heart would melt into a puddle.<br />
I loved it. I miss it so fiercely.<br />
<br />
I've learned that I relied on Travis to make me whole.<br />
And I've had to find out who I am without him.<br />
I'm working on it every single day.<br />
I can't rely on his testimony.<br />
I can't rely on him telling me I'm good enough...<br />
whether it be in my parenting skills, cooking skills, the way I look or even the type of friend I am,<br />
I have to TRUST in myself, and KNOW myself.<br />
And I have to remember that Travis had complete faith that I could do this.<br />
<br />
I'm working on this every single day.<br />
I have a long ways to go.<br />
<br />
I've learned that we are strong,<br />
the ladies and I.<br />
We are made of strength.<br />
We get out of bed every morning and try to smile.<br />
We laugh a lot.<br />
We tease each other, support each other, fight with each other,<br />
drive each other crazy, and love each other in the best of ways.<br />
We laugh-cry and repeat.<br />
<br />
I wouldn't have survived this without my sweet girls.<br />
I am so incredibly proud to be their mom.<br />
<br />
We've learned who will always be here for us.<br />
Who will step up, even when it's completely inconvenient to them.<br />
Learned who we can turn to in our worst moments.<br />
And we've learned an awful lot about they type of people we want to be.<br />
<br />
I've learned to let things go that are too hard to carry.<br />
<br />
I've learned that it's a wonderful feeling to<br />
"sweat the small stuff" again.<br />
<br />
And I've learned that we can do this.<br />
We can and we are.<br />
<br />
Sometimes it's not graceful.<br />
In fact, it's really usually not graceful at all..<br />
but we are doing our best.<br />
<br />
I still sometimes can't believe that this is my life.<br />
That I am truly a widow,<br />
and that I have to figure this life out fresh every single day.<br />
But I wouldn't change our time together.<br />
I'd marry him all over again.<br />
<br />
I will probably post one more post on this blog with some of the fun service projects done in Trav's name, and then I know it's time to say goodbye to the Cancer blog.<br />
It's been such a great place for me to express how I feel over the past year,<br />
and for the years before that, a wonderful forum to keep everyone up to date on Trav's battle.<br />
Thanks to everyone who has checked in over the years.<br />
We have felt so loved and supported.<br />
<br /></div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-88825248853107670002014-10-04T21:27:00.001-07:002014-10-04T21:27:34.263-07:00{A day for our T}<div style="text-align: center;">
Next Saturday marks a year since Travis passed away.</div>
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<br /></div>
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When I think of Travis, and when I remember his life,</div>
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his last year of life especially-</div>
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I remember how much Travis wanted to make others' lives better.</div>
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<br /></div>
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About 2 months before he died a friend at work was going through a few</div>
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health problems....and honestly, comparatively, they were much smaller then T's.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But Travis would come home, after working most of the day- barely able to eat,</div>
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throwing up at work, sweating, aching and exhausted-</div>
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and all he could talk about was how bad he felt for his friend.</div>
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How worried he was about his upcoming tests and his future.</div>
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<br /></div>
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He would say, </div>
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"He's just too young for this..."</div>
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<br /></div>
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I don't even think Trav saw the irony in his worry.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And I can't even tell you how many times he would come home broken hearted</div>
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over the loss of a friend at the Cancer Center, or just how he could tell someone was </div>
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having a bad day or tough treatment.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And no matter if we were stretching ourselves incredibly thin trying to pay for a </div>
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drug or a scan, Travis always wanted to give to someone else...,make sure others had </div>
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what they needed.</div>
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<br /></div>
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He was compassionate and giving and selfless.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So as I've been wracking my brain on a way to make our year mark special.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The girls really wanted to do 'something'...but we've been struggling with the right thing.</div>
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It's easy to do something sad.</div>
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It's also easy to do something so big it ends up feeling like a party.</div>
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And clearly, it's not a day to have a party.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So after a panic text to my sister-she came up with the best idea,</div>
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and I think Travis would completely approve.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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Next Saturday is a day of kindness/service in honor of Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We would love for you to join us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Buy someone lunch in the drive through line.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Rake someones leaves.</div>
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Take someone dinner.</div>
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Give someone a compliment.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Make someones day.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Please E-mail me (hayley429@hotmail.com) a pic or story of your service,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
or tag me on Facebook,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
or Instagram it with the hashtag #travstrong #travservice</div>
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<br /></div>
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I am praying you all join us.</div>
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I can't picture anything more special then sitting with the ladies next </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
weekend and sharing with them all the acts of service in their Dad's name.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A way to show them that he can still live on and he still inspires others.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Don't let me down and make me look stupid...ok?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Share this with others and let's make it a great day for T!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-18210359310555911792014-08-04T22:26:00.002-07:002014-08-04T22:26:31.738-07:00{Just a little post}<div style="text-align: center;">
It's just about 10 months since Travis passed away.</div>
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<br /></div>
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It seems very strange to me that he's been gone for that long...</div>
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And then sometimes it seems strange that 'it's only been 10 months.'</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I ran into a dear friend the other day who told me she worries about</div>
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me and cries for me whenever she reads my blog.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I left feeling like I really needed to post this:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm doing good.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are doing good.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The past few months especially have been healing for me, </div>
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and for the girls too, I think.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Some of the struggles and concerns that have </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
really plagued me since Travis died,</div>
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have just gone away.</div>
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I'm able to really focus on what's important,</div>
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remember really good and happy things,</div>
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and I'm able to show my kids that</div>
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life is fun...</div>
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life is good...</div>
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and life is happy.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I'm proud of the 3 of us.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I don't want to pretend that we don't have hard days,</div>
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or days where we feel just not quite ourselves.</div>
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I imagine,</div>
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even 20 years down the road,</div>
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I will still have hard days.</div>
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Days where I'm angry that Travis suffered for such a long time,</div>
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and days where I'm angry that my sweet girls had to lose their Dad so young.</div>
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Days where I still miss him so deeply.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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Travis will always be missed.</div>
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We think of him every day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We miss him every day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But tonight,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I sat outside watching Sienna play soccer in the yard while the breeze blew pretty strongly.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We came inside and all watched Disney channel,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
said prayers and I tucked them in.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sienna snuggled to her favorite zebra stuffed animal,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Adyson begged to read Percy Jackson.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I locked the doors,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
stopped the sprinklers from running (because its raining!)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and when the house was quiet,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was content.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are adjusting,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I'm proud of us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So proud of my girls who make me smile every day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They are special...so incredibly special, resilient, beautiful and happy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Travis lives on in them.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So don't worry about us Kidman girls.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We've totally got this.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Big ginormous hugs to those of you who've helped us overcome some of the ugly stuff,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and who will continue to be here when those blue days come our way. We are so grateful to have the beautiful support system we have.)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-612456105989587342014-07-11T23:46:00.000-07:002014-07-12T01:19:15.304-07:00{Steps}<div style="text-align: center;">
Today Marks 9 months since Travis passed away.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
These days, the 11th of every single month...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
they cause me to stop and assess and think.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And also,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
quite honestly,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
eat chocolate.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
July has been a tough months so far,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and it's only the 11th....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>So today,</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>I've thought about why?</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Why has my heart been so heavy and how in the world</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>will it ever feel light again?</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've learned this:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have a pattern.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I do pretty good.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are feeling semi-normal,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and then something happens,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I take a few steps back before moving forward again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I ran Ragnar with my friends at the very end of June.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We ran for Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The race is a relay from Logan to Park City.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hadn't been to Park City since Travis passed away and really,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hadn't even thought about it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
After the race was over we went to eat at a restaraunt at the<br>Park City Ski resort. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
At the base of the mountain there is a section full of shops and eatery's</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and random picnic tables and benches.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We piled out of the suburban,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
all sore, me barely able to walk,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and my breath was taken away.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I had just flashes of the many times Trav and I were there together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We ate at his favorite Mexican restaraunt and I remembered an Anniversary</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
where he and I ate there, before our life became hard.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And another time when we went there with my brother and his wife....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and we spent 2 hours playing Monopoly on one of the picnic tables in the center of the square.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps back.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps forward.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
.I just have to take a deep breath and move past it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but honestly part of me hates moving past those beautiful memories.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes finding the balance between remembering-and moving forward is awfully tough.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A week later came the 4th of July.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I didn't realize when Travis was alive how much we, as a couple, loved this Holiday.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But it was harder then any Holiday to date.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Much.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Every single year we would go to the same park.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'd buy Travis chocolate licorice.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We'd picnic while the kids would get covered in sand from the nearby volleyball courts,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and when the fireworks would start, we'd be together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We'd sit side by side and hold hands while being crawled on by the ladies.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This year.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was pretty painful.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We went to the park,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I was so grateful that my entire family came,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I was still alone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I missed his sarcasm so painfully, and holding his hands.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps back.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps forward.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then I found myself camping.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Those who know me,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
know that this just <i>isn't my thing....</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I packed up the car,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
realizing that camping as a widow means packing the car</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and doing the heavy lifting by myself.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(I may have cursed T a time or two).</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
As I drove to Bear Lake,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
again,<br>I was hit with memories.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Another first.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We haven't been there since he passed away,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and it's full of memories.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We drove past the lake and all 3 of us were flooded with ache.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The girls started talking about how </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Daddy used to make sand castles" and rememember </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"eating shakes there with Dadddy"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I let the girls share every memory they could,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because I know that even though it really hurts to remember,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I think it's gotta be worse to forget.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then while the tears fell I shared a few memories with them.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I remembered our first time camping together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I remembered playing games with Cody and Amy on the lawn by the lake.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I remembered when Travis invited me to his families cabin on the lake for a work party when</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we were dating. I called him when I got close so I wouldn't get lost, and he told me to look</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
for the giant Willow tree...and as I finally pulled up I found him </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
standing there grinning from ear to ear.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He was healthy then.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And he was so excited to see me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We pulled up to the campsite with heavy hearts and wet eyes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps back.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps forward.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then the other day I went to lunch with my girlfiriends to celebrate a Birthday.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I walked to the back to the patio,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and out of the corner of my eyes I saw Trav's entire office eating together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
These men took care of Travis and loved him while he fought,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and he spent almost as much time with them as he did with me....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I couldn't bring myself to go say hello.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I had no idea the kind of pain it would bring me to see them all together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Travis should've been there.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I should've been able to walk over,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
smooch his cheeck and put my arms around his neck.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I left lunch just sick.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I spent a good portion of the night just aching.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps back.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps forward.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>So:</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>I said I've been thinking about why?</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Here's what I've got.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The firsts.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They are tough.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And creating new memories without Travis..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is tough.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And in the past few weeks my heart has been heavy because I've been checking</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
them off of my list in rapid sucession.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Next time I go to Park City,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will remember Travis surely,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and will miss him definetly,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I bet next time I also remember running under the stars in the middle of the night,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and the million laughs we shared that weekend.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Will the fireworks be hard next year...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
surely.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I will also remember the 3 different potty trips,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sienna and Adyson head banging in the car on the way home,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and Amy's funny texts.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Bear Lake?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will never forget Travis sitting on the beach playing with the girls,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I pray,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
real hard,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I never forget his smile when he saw me pull up to the Willow tree,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but next time I go I'll remember the first time I drove</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a wave runner, Adyson throwing a golf ball at Dave's truck,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and Cody pouring cold water on Heather while she slept.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And next time I run into the men Travis worked with,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hopefully will be able to say hi and remember that </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Travis was lucky to have people who took such great care of him </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
where he worked...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I just wasn't ready.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And that's ok.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps back are ok.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They hurt, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but they are ok.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Steps forward are good.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They too, kinda hurt,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but they are good.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Old memories I'm cherishing,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but am trying really hard to create new ones as well.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I think at some point,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
all of these steps will bring us somewhere good.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Travis would be proud that at least we are moving our feet in any direction.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGEN2w-iN0JyRdCJPqmYpSWxjVRo0IieNHOwUZpm9rBO357bXnr73CuIGe4_JLH4jLxT5FkbI2YdB3iTR4jW_QmqmgGXp3jaYqG0V3sAuZ-3eZykruu2Vgrp3IppGi83EBS7YUPFqJTWv2/s640/blogger-image--1999451128.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGEN2w-iN0JyRdCJPqmYpSWxjVRo0IieNHOwUZpm9rBO357bXnr73CuIGe4_JLH4jLxT5FkbI2YdB3iTR4jW_QmqmgGXp3jaYqG0V3sAuZ-3eZykruu2Vgrp3IppGi83EBS7YUPFqJTWv2/s640/blogger-image--1999451128.jpg"></a></div>Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-31673699100902706062014-06-21T23:14:00.000-07:002014-06-21T23:14:18.912-07:00{Stage Hopping}<div style="text-align: center;">
I've intended to write multiple blog posts.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Mostly because it's really good for me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Every time I write one I feel like things become clear.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm charting what I feel, and realizing what I need to work on,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and learning about the things I've totally been kidding myself about.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So I get on the computer,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I just stare at the screen unsure of what to say.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The truth, right now it this:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've lost my mojo. Things have gotten harder. And most days I'm physically and mentally</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
DONE.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
In March I wrote this post:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://travscrappycancer.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-stages.html">The stages.</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When I wrote that, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I really truly felt every single thing I wrote, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and really thought I was in a good place,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and moving forward in a healthy, smart way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I still feel like we, as a family, are doing well.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I think we are moving forward,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We have fun, and laugh a lot...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but the tears come more freely now.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And the loneliness and weariness can feel very daunting.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Single parenting is awfully hard.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Being alone is awfully hard.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Dealing with my own grief? Aslo awfully hard.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then adding on the grief of the kids....harder. Trust me on this.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I guess you always assume that you get through that stage, and your done with it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
For me, at least-that's just not the case.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm Hayley,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I'm a Grief Stage Jumper.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have days where I just can't pull myself out of my slump-</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and days where I am angry.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And still, many days, where I just can't believe Travis isn't here. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's been 8 months and it still seems unreal to me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
These emotions (anger & depression), are new to me;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I've found a few things that help me combat them.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My Coping Mechanisms.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(PS-I betcha none of these are considered healthy...)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When I'm feeling blue:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My kids come in and demand me to do something with them....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and mothering gets in the way of the sadness.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Those girls of mine are little happy pills. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And while sometimes I just am faking the smile,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
eventually-it turns genuine and I know because of them- I can pull through.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am so blessed to have them. So blessed to be able to help each other heal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And if they are asleep,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
which if I'm being honest, is when things feel too quiet and too lonely,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
then I read.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I read an awful lot.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Like, a lot.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm a totally book worm/nerd.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But it takes my mind off the bad....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I'm happy with that.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Now,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When I'm feeling angry:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I usually swear.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Eat chocolate.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And call or text a friend or two and say my peace.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My friends. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They have learned to get angry with me-or at least to act really offended for me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm sure at times they are rolling their eyes like,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"really Hayley....mellow down!"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But they fake angry with me, and I sure love them for that.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The days when I can't believe that </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>this is my life....</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Those days always hit me the hardest.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm incredibly aware that I'm alone, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I miss Travis constantly,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so why it all the sudden hits me that<br /><i>HE IS GONE...</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'll never understand.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But those moments just take my breath away.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And they just hurt, real bad.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They hurt like nothing I can ever explain.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Those days,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've given myself a pass.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(I promise, this doesn't happen too often!)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I pawn my kids off on someone else </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(awesome friends and my poor mom!)...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wear my sweats, and my topknot,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
watch reality TV,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and ignore life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Bless the poor salesmen who knocks on my door that day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That may seem really unhealthy,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and if your a professional you are probably hoping someone locks me up one day soon..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I think letting myself take a day off from life is ok,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
now and then.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If I start abusing it,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
then I'm hoping someone will call me out and have an intervention?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So yes,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've got some work to do.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I know that even though I have days where I am an utter mess....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I also know that if I didn't, I wouldn't be coping the right way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This isn't supposed to be easy,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and so I guess I'm doing it right.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
As always,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am so grateful for those that always remember us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The other day a neighbor saw Sienna playing basketball and came to shoot hoops with her </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
for a second.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My heart was so warmed to know that they have good people here,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
willing to spend a few minutes making sure they get some man time.:)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I'm so grateful to those who never forget to help whether we are in need, or not.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
xoxo-Hayley</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-57341829031389978072014-05-15T21:45:00.000-07:002014-05-15T21:45:09.255-07:00{My place in Life}<div style="text-align: center;">
Among the long list of things I'm learning to navigate,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
or tying to navigate,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
or sometimes completely failing to navigate,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is me trying to find my place in life again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When Trav's illness started affecting him the point that leaving the house was to big of a chore,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I remember feeling really lost.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes at night after Travis would fall asleep,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I would mourn the loss of our old life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I remember just crying-big fat ugly tears and thinking life couldn't feel harder.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Ha!)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I remember feeling like I was losing him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Knowing that he was dying, even though we hadn't heard those words yet,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it was just so painfully clear to me that it was coming.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I hated watching him lose himself.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was unbearably hard-and I look back thinking </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"I cannot believe I made it through that".</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But, I still had my place.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was by his side.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I had Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I could tell him exactly how I felt, no matter how hard it was to say,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
or for him to hear....I had him. And my place.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So while everything in the world felt wrong....it also felt right.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But now,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that little pocket of safety Travis always provided for me,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and that safe spot that comes along with marriage is gone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I just don't fit in anywhere anymore.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That-well that just makes me miss him all the more.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have wonderful, wonderful friends.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They are thoughtful, incredibly giving, caring, hilarious, and ALWAYS there for me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And while I never regret any of our fun nights,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
they always end with me coming home feeling a bit out of sorts, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because it's clear that I'm not </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"one of them" </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
anymore.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can't join in conversations about marriage anymore.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can't complain about him coming home late from work,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
not helping with yard work,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
not saying thank you for dinner or helping with the kids.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No more big group dates with our friends,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and man, I miss that. I miss seeing their husbands chat with T about golf,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
about neighbors, yard work, work and whatever else those men chatted about.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss just taking it all in and seeing that side of Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes these conversations happen and I just feel so outside of myself.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss that pocket of safety.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Even with family,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've lost my comfort.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Travis was my partner-</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
in every game we played...(which was many!),</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
he was my partner....team game or no.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He would pick on me last,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and if I won (which was not as often as he!)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He'd always say, "If I couldn't win, I'm glad you did." </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He made us an even number-and we went hand in hand everywhere we went.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So now,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I sometimes feel like an intruder going alone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel strange asking them to dinner, or anywhere...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because instead of saying</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"wanna come with us to dinner?"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"wanna come with me?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And that seems so strange to all of us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So I don't really fit in there either.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not that that stops me from coming, or trying, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but it just doesn't feel right-and I wonder if it ever will.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My friends and family are incredibly sensitive to me. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(I can bet that as they are reading this, they are probably on a group text about how they </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
need to be more careful when I'm around...FRIENDS: no. That's not the point of this post. And FAMILY, no, I don't mean that anyone should change!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Because if I have to get used to feeling awkward and out of place, I'd rather do it with you then anyone else!)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I love my friends and family, and wanna make it clear that this post is by no means to call anyone out,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because my support system is the absolute best,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it's just my life has changed so drastically,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel like a misfit.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have made some really lovely friends who are also widows.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We met by social media....my first time meeting someone via the Internet...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my sweet Dad was nervous they might be axe murderers....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They aren't.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They are lovely, amazing, strong women who have gone through a lot.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I mean, I don't feel like it's my place to share their stories,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but wow. These women. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Amazing ladies and instantly dear friends.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn9LZeOzV4F3WQuhoHhYB_En1IiUDPcvEdNc-j2gRJVJkSeagPnZRRPhs2R39_-RK0XM17BIdC1uVm3aNi8W0cM7LlD585zc63JWLsSPfijKUoqfx3l6e8xD_gP6ezG59eYmoJRBFytIGd/s640/blogger-image-27583274.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn9LZeOzV4F3WQuhoHhYB_En1IiUDPcvEdNc-j2gRJVJkSeagPnZRRPhs2R39_-RK0XM17BIdC1uVm3aNi8W0cM7LlD585zc63JWLsSPfijKUoqfx3l6e8xD_gP6ezG59eYmoJRBFytIGd/s640/blogger-image-27583274.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I thought I would meet with them and feel like I had my place again...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
people who were just like me!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And while they completely understood so much of what I've gone through the past few months,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and some of the daily challenges we all face,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I still don't fit in 100%.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(And I am sure that they could say the same thing: One has twins, and has raised them all alone their entire life span, one has a toddler-and her husband had brain cancer-and she surely faced some things that the rest of us didn't face, and one has no kids to carry her sweet husbands life with her....)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So while we all get each other, and understand a lot about each other...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we, together, don't fit into a seamless puzzle-and we won't ever understand exactly what every journey has been like.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm older then all of them.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Is that not the saddest thing you've ever heard.....I think I'm a young widow...but these girls are just painfully young and it's heartbreaking, and makes me feel pretty blessed that I had the years I had with T. These girls didn't get enough time. I didn't either, but they reallllly didn't...if that makes sense.)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They have either no kids, or really young ones,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and they've been widows for a good while longer then me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wanted someone to be just like me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wanted someone who had kids my exact age,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and understood our cancer battle...who did the same treatments, the same amount of time.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Same tumors, same locations, same ages...and someone who faced</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
awful death that Travis faced...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and on the drive home I thought about this and felt a little sad that I didn't find that pocket I've been</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
missing so much....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then I realized that the only person who would ever fill that void,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No one will ever know exactly how our life changed together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No one will understand how cancer changed us, as a couple, and just as people, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and ultimately how death changed us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I had to face the hard fact: </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my place is gone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It left with Travis,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I have to find it again on my own.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have to fill the void-the void of not fitting in, or knowing where I stand,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
with common ground. With patience with myself and others.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can't be upset when I have nothing to contribute to the marriage conversation.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will not be angry or hurt when my friends vent about marriage.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will be grateful that I had that. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will be grateful that I once had that spot...that great spot where your thoughts are understood</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
by someone else, and you had a partner even in a game that shouldn't have been a team game.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I will learn to let that go, as much as I can, because if I don't, I wont easily find my place again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>As I've written this post,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>one I've been thinking about for a good few months,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I've had to stop to tuck in Roo.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Get her a water bottle.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Adysons asked if she can just read "one more chapter" twice.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>And I feel so completely in my element that I can't imagine me ever feeling like I don't have a place...</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>so obviously, Travis lives on in them,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and my pocket overflows when they are around.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Socially-I'm an outcast.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>At home-I'm content. And I think that's progress. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to say that.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>So progress is being made. I didn't see it till now, but it is being made.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I guess, for now, that's enough.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-22101226320348947492014-05-06T21:31:00.000-07:002014-05-06T21:31:32.906-07:00{happy birthday travis}<div style="text-align: center;">
Trav's Birthday is May 2nd.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He would have turned 39.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've been full of dread for another first to come my way...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and Trav's Birthday felt like an extremely hard first.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I still sometimes can't really imagine how we keep moving on without him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I still love and adore him, and miss him so dearly.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />(Travis, in his favorite city in Spain, Aranjuez, in the princesses garden at the palace)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I loved everything about this special day with him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I loved the train ride-where I dozed on his shoulder.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I loved eating my first Spanish tortilla on the streets while we watched</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
old grandfathers picking up their grand kids for the mediadia.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I loved meeting his friends there.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I loved watching him have so much zest for life that day...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I really miss that.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I loved watching him read the Spanish newspaper on the way back...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I loved holding his hand in Madrid when twilight came.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I cherish our memories.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
I was incredibly appreciative of my friends and family for realizing that</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
this wasn't an easy day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are so blessed to always be remembered, and it means so much to me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We received gifts from friends,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
cards in the mail,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and these lovely flowers were left on my porch with a card that said </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Flowers for T's girls".</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So thoughtful.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And everyone wore orange.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This touched my heart so deeply....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
All of my friends, all of the girls friends, and even half the staff at their school wore orange to </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
honor Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
These reminders that we still have a lot of support shown our way do a lot for my soul!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I took the girls after school the the cemetery,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so we could spend a few minutes alone with him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When we got there,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
there was an older man visiting the grave next to his.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've noticed her headstone before...and it's confused me a bit.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Most of the stones near him are new,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and this one looks new,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but she passed quite a long time ago.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We chatted with him for quite a while.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He was in the military and stationed in California,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and his daughter, Sally, passed when she was just 1 year old.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She was buried there, and then after he retired the rest of the family moved here.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Last year they decided to move her here,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and her headstone is always marked with flowers,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and a lot of love.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He is a golfer,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and a very proud Daddy to only daughters,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and was very touched to hear our story.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We left promising we'd watch over each others loved ones.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was a nice little moment,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I wont go visit Travis without remembering Sally as well.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
I had only planned on having our immediate family over to the cemetery to let off balloons,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because I didn't want to ask people to come and make them feel obligated....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and then people kept asking if they could come.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was so touched by this.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I basically only put it here on the blog and so many lovely souls showed up to celebrate him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes we forget that ALL of us are grieving for T. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not just our family, but our friends, and my friends who hold my hand through it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This meant more to me then anything else.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
There are no words for the comfort it brings me to remember that I'm not alone </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
in my grief, or that Travis is always, always loved and remembered.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We all brought orange balloons with a note attached about how we will</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
try to be better, for Travis, this year.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A fitting gift, I think.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5_qP2TG2c_uANpEutLi5xrc80575fQxuHZllaREVZ20kuU3sItj29EkL6RI1qorFO4D1z74a7DCkMSf83WHdaZ7oaVZQTu3x7c9suERu0EyiYor_1FKe0Yfyz1qhmmfC-_qfF4h60IV4d/s640/blogger-image-1558303998.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5_qP2TG2c_uANpEutLi5xrc80575fQxuHZllaREVZ20kuU3sItj29EkL6RI1qorFO4D1z74a7DCkMSf83WHdaZ7oaVZQTu3x7c9suERu0EyiYor_1FKe0Yfyz1qhmmfC-_qfF4h60IV4d/s1600/blogger-image-1558303998.jpg" /></a>My father in law said a lovely prayer,</div>
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and then we sang Happy Birthday.</div>
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I held up okay,</div>
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until then.</div>
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I just ached while everyone sang,</div>
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and still ache when I think about it.</div>
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I don't want time to go on without him,</div>
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but I want it to go reallly fast so I can be back with him.</div>
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It's an awfully strange feeling-and something I don't really understand myself.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am so glad Travis is free of pain,</div>
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because no one,</div>
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not even me, I'm sure,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
really understands how awful things really got for him....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I'm just selfish enough that I would do pretty much anything to have him</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
here again. </div>
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We survived it through another first.</div>
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I'm really quite proud of these girls, and of myself.: )</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Our Families.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
We came home to a cake from one of my best friends,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and most thoughtful people I know, Lorinda.</div>
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I loved it!</div>
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To End:</div>
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39 things I love-and/or miss about Travis</div>
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in absolutely no order whatsoever.</div>
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I should note that this list could go on and on and on....and on.</div>
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<br /></div>
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1-I miss cooking for him. Terribly. The girls complain a lot.</div>
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2-I miss his big, belly laugh. It hurt him pretty bad to laugh that hard, because of his tumor in his rib,</div>
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but he would clutch it, while tears of joy were flowing and say "It hurts...." all while cracking up.</div>
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I know this sounds mean...but a few of you will know exactly what I'm talking about, and it was as joyful as things get.</div>
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3-I miss hearing him watch anything sports related on TV.</div>
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I could be in another room and hear him yelling at the TV. And half the time he couldn't have cared less who was playing....</div>
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4-I miss his sarcasm and wit.</div>
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5-I miss his nerd speak.</div>
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6-I miss him snuggling with his girls.</div>
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7-I miss seeing him be the fabulous father that he was.</div>
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There aren't words to express how perfect his love for the girls was.</div>
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8-I miss him warming my feet in bed.</div>
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9-I miss watching him eat cereal standing up.</div>
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10-I miss rubbing his neck.</div>
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11- I miss holding his hand in the car.</div>
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12-I love the things he passed on to his kids...like how Sienna has his eyes,</div>
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and Adyson clearly has his sarcasm.</div>
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13-I love remembering every vacation we ever took</div>
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14-I miss him filling the car up with gas, even when it's cold outside.</div>
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15-I miss him killing the spiders!</div>
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16-I miss sitting by him in church and rubbing his back.</div>
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17-I miss making him pretzels on Sunday afternoon.</div>
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18-I miss hearing all about his day...</div>
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19-And I miss telling him about mine.</div>
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20-I miss settlers of Catan nights.</div>
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21-I miss seeing him bit the neck of his shirts.</div>
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22-I miss his socks hanging off his feet.</div>
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23-I miss nightly family prayers and his words of wisdom.</div>
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24-I miss having someone to share my fears with...</div>
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25-and someone to celebrate my victories with.</div>
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26-I miss cheering with him at Roo's soccer games.</div>
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27-And beaming with pride when Adyson excels at school.</div>
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28-I miss his friendship with my brother. He helped unite my family...and I'm forever grateful for it.</div>
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29-I miss him telling me I'm beautiful. Even in those moments when I clearly wasn't!</div>
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30-I miss yelling at him for leaving his port bandaid in the shower... NEVER thought I'd say that.</div>
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31-I miss sitting on our front porch feeling the sun on our faces together.</div>
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32-I miss kissing him goodbye.</div>
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33-I miss him kissing me goodbye.</div>
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34-I miss the security of having him around.</div>
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35-I miss his knowledge of all these electronics....I'm sometimes cursing him for help!</div>
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36-I miss his smile.</div>
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37-I miss chatting about our future.</div>
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38-I miss his voice. So incredibly much.</div>
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39-And I miss our life together. This wont ever change.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Happy Birthday Travis.</div>
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I hope you got our balloons, felt our love, and shot a hole in one in Heaven.</div>
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You are loved.</div>
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And you are missed!</div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-39359827895335604662014-04-28T20:48:00.001-07:002014-04-28T20:48:28.810-07:006 Months<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
6 months and counting...</div>
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<br /></div>
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Over half a year has come and gone.</div>
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No words for how odd that seems.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I still pull out my phone to text him at least once a day.</div>
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And the other day I randomly grabbed his favorite Gatorade at the store....</div>
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<br /></div>
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I know at some point this will stop.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Our life has changed in so many ways since Travis passed away.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I truly wonder if I could see our old life again,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
would I even remember what it was like?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
For a long time the thought of forgetting Travis made me physically ill.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The thought of forgetting the good stuff...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
our really happy moments still makes my heart ache.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wish I could remember every silly moment,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
every movie night,</div>
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every date,</div>
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and every lazy morning....I hate that I already have forgotten a lot.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But I feel incredibly sure that there are things I will never forget.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wont forget the little hazel flecks in his green eyes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wont forget the way his head would roll back when I'd rub his neck,</div>
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or even the little mole that was right near his shirt collar.</div>
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I wont forget the feel of his hands.</div>
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I wont forget holding them while I drive...I loved that.</div>
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I can easily recall the feel of his hair,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
see his long toes clearly in my head,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I can visualize the way he looked at me when he was teasing me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And I still remember his voice.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The girls each have stuffed bears with a recorded message from T on them.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Now and then I'll accidentally bump one and when I hear his voice my heart drops.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss his voice most of all.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'd like a recording that says</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Hayley, I love you. You are doing great. Those pants make you look thin...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I miss you."</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But hey....I'll settle for memories, I guess.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So 6 months down and I have a clear picture of my husband in my head,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I can't imagine that ever leaving me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I haven't written a lot about how the girls are doing.</div>
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I feel completely fine venting my aches and pain on the blog,</div>
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but I don't feel okay about showing the world their story,</div>
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because it's not mine to tell.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I will say that this is harder then I ever imagined for them,</div>
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and I wish there was a manual that could tell me exactly what to say,</div>
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and what to do to help.</div>
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<br /></div>
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They are doing this differently, the two of them.</div>
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They are amazingly strong, and seem to pick me up more then I do them,</div>
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and for that,</div>
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I am beyond grateful.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I will say that they have changed, each in their own way,</div>
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and we are doing our best to make sure that they find the light that they have always had.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Being in grade school they are fighting to survive with</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
kids who have no clue what their life is like.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
6 months is a life time for little kids,</div>
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so to them,</div>
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it seems like our life should be normal by now.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(In fact, I'm fairly certain a lot of adults think the same thing about me...</div>
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but I can ignore that really easily!)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They've been told that they are </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"popular because their dad died"...</div>
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and a few kids have talked to them</div>
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about their dad being "buried in the ground."</div>
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and have had a few other instances that have really hurt....</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They come home and mama bear wants to go and kick these little kids in the shins!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(I haven't...but the thought has crossed my mind!)</div>
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<br /></div>
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But then there are kids who are so kind and thoughtful.</div>
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Kids who can just tell when one of them is feeling sad,</div>
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so they write a nice note or give a giant hug.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sienna even got this darling picture in her birthday book.</div>
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I just adore this kid...even though I have no idea who he is.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAUfXW47hrCC3C4l_FNZ2TuwfmUHnKLCLF8Dsyn7xoYwz1wJg0QtGko2NOmbiCGdJS96mTnFeUkPmRpr1yCTd2BZc55LBnuCGKN-HWCgCCQsewwzgmeXIlcFaxkH5FAQtZIenUeMhmTFAU/s640/blogger-image--2047206627.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAUfXW47hrCC3C4l_FNZ2TuwfmUHnKLCLF8Dsyn7xoYwz1wJg0QtGko2NOmbiCGdJS96mTnFeUkPmRpr1yCTd2BZc55LBnuCGKN-HWCgCCQsewwzgmeXIlcFaxkH5FAQtZIenUeMhmTFAU/s640/blogger-image--2047206627.jpg" /></a></div>
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The girls though,</div>
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have more good days then bad.</div>
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I think they are taking steps every day towards happiness,</div>
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and normalcy.</div>
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I am learning the best ways to help them,</div>
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and each day I'm forcing them to step outside of their new comfort zone and help it expand</div>
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a bit.</div>
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Day by day we are getting there.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Be patient with them.</div>
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Try to remember how uprooted they've been.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So half a year.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss him terribly.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss the big things that are pretty obvious...<br />
<br /></div>
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But I really miss the small stuff too....</div>
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I miss not always being good cop and bad cop.</div>
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I'd kill for someone else to put them to bed sometimes.</div>
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And for someone to quickly run to the grocery store to grab that one thing I forgot...</div>
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I'd be happy if someone else could make decisions about the finances,</div>
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and I'd love for someone to remind me about oil changes.</div>
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I would love for my kids to be able to go out and practice soccer and basketball</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
with someone who could actually help them.</div>
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And I wouldn't hate a night where sad thoughts didn't creep into someones brain...</div>
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<br /></div>
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But we've done it now for half a year,</div>
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and I guess we will shoot for another 6 months and see where we are at. :)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm pretty grateful we have made it this far.<br />
And I'm incredibly thankful to those of you who have helped us get this far.<br />
<br />
Friday is Trav's birthday.<br />
We are meeting at the cemetery at 6:30 for a quick balloon release...<br />
if any of our friends want to come and join us,<br />
bring an orange balloon and let me know you are coming. We've made<br />
some lovely tags to go on the balloons and I will send some your way.<br />
It will be very short and sweet,<br />
but we couldn't let the day go by without making sure his life is celebrated.</div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-24108338995419927582014-03-31T20:08:00.001-07:002014-03-31T21:43:05.744-07:00The stages<div style="text-align: center;">
Last week I spent the week in California with some of my girlfriends.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was surrounded by people who I adore,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and who seem to really like me most of the time...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was also surrounded by the glorious, beautiful ocean.</div>
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And the sun!</div>
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And even spent a day at Disneyland.</div>
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The absolute happiest place on Earth..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
depending on who you are...<br />
(I'm talking to you: Julie Redd).</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
One night on the way back to our hotel we stopped by the Newport Temple.</div>
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It was dusk.</div>
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The sun was setting, and it was cooling down.</div>
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And the sunset had a lovely shade of orange.</div>
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It was very peaceful and very quiet-with only one other couple there.</div>
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<br /></div>
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As soon as I stepped out of the car I felt incredibly lonely.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFzfpV3pVpCFxMncPedyYuibmwqsQFCdU-qJOcBxDIqZdl7us6FlJYQTx0WrHUaCL5ZmzfN3BPhpap1rz2NyeWUeZEPevzhYf9V5IfSsWRUPCMofa2_CPDVAQ4eTFBK0D__W8xQ1lSbZKs/s640/blogger-image-1546987192.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFzfpV3pVpCFxMncPedyYuibmwqsQFCdU-qJOcBxDIqZdl7us6FlJYQTx0WrHUaCL5ZmzfN3BPhpap1rz2NyeWUeZEPevzhYf9V5IfSsWRUPCMofa2_CPDVAQ4eTFBK0D__W8xQ1lSbZKs/s1600/blogger-image-1546987192.jpg" /></a></div>
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I was surrounded by a lot of love,</div>
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but man,</div>
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there really aren't any words to express how much my heart ached right then.</div>
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I kept my sunglasses on while I did my best to hide the tears.</div>
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<br /></div>
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For some reason,</div>
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that moment was a big one for me.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I accepted months ago that my life with Travis was over.</div>
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That he is gone, and that I have to figure things out without him.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But that moment,</div>
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it really hit me hard.</div>
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And Eternity felt (and feels) very, very, very far away.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's spring break for my kids this week.</div>
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We obviously don't have big plans because we took our vacation last month,</div>
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but tonight they are off at a friends having a sleepover.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Months ago I would have reveled in the quiet.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Trav and I would have enjoyed each other and probably watched</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
whatever our hearts desired-</div>
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and I would have had him to take care of.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But being here alone:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I just miss them.</div>
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And I really hate the quiet, and the loneliness that comes my way.</div>
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I do not want to be a mom that suffocates her kids,</div>
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or expects them to be her happiness...</div>
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I really have to constantly remind myself that they need to have </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the most regular life they can,</div>
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and I wont hold them back.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I do miss them, and once again, I find myself missing my old life immensely.</div>
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<br /></div>
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There are times that I'm in awe that we've made it almost 6 months without him.</div>
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And then there are times that I'm fairly certain I can't go through another day.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I've read about the 'steps of grief' that everyone is supposed to experience,</div>
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and I really don't see myself anywhere on that chart.</div>
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And I don't think I've gone through a lot of this...</div>
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which makes me wonder if i will?</div>
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If I did sometime during our cancer journey-making this happen before he actually passed?</div>
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Or maybe I did got through it and didn't see it?</div>
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<br /></div>
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But either way---</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
-I certainly am not in denial, though at times I kinda wish I was.</div>
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-I'm not angry. Sad? Yes. Angry? No.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
-I'm not bargaining. I have always felt, and still maintain that we did all we could-</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I'll just say it. I was a pretty awesome caregiver.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
-I am not depressed. I may seem like it when I blog,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because I vent my heart out here.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But my life is still very full and happy.<br />
And the happy days outweigh the sad ones.<br />
And I even cook dinner sometimes,<br />
and am trying to run again,<br />
and I do my hair most days!<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
-And I've accepted this life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've accepted all the curve balls that have been thrown my way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I truly believe that the Lord has a plan for all of us,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I fully believe that we are doing all we can to make the best of it all.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I've accepted that my love is gone.<br />
I don't like it.<br />
But I've accepted it.<br />
<br />
A friend sent this my way the other day and it spoke to me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCwD1ZQVXUkTn9CecjVxn0KJviTJMXyF0RHTgkATtLzGo7EKvja8cBZm7wxODz4Minh3U_rgj7LLttJVO-vv52ZZx7vMw3K_DFoacnvRX2znuEnZmxVOT3fxpc2-eSX30aVAj9jIjl3HG_/s1600/10154133_10203739919041679_1219185496_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCwD1ZQVXUkTn9CecjVxn0KJviTJMXyF0RHTgkATtLzGo7EKvja8cBZm7wxODz4Minh3U_rgj7LLttJVO-vv52ZZx7vMw3K_DFoacnvRX2znuEnZmxVOT3fxpc2-eSX30aVAj9jIjl3HG_/s1600/10154133_10203739919041679_1219185496_n.jpg" /></a></div>
When I look at it this way,<br />
I'm reminded that I'm one of the lucky ones.<br />
I am so blessed to have someone I miss this much.<br />
And I bet he's missing me and the ladies too...<br />
for some reason that comforts me an awful lot!<br />
<br />
We are still surviving and doing our best around here.<br />
As always,<br />
I'm incredibly thankful to the friends and family members who constantly take care of me.<br />
I'm thankful to the parents who help their children understand how to help my kids,<br />
and who have gone out of their way to make sure we are all happy.<br />
I am beyond blessed.<br />
And always so thankful.<br />
<br /></div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-3700493766818493422014-03-30T21:07:00.003-07:002014-03-30T21:07:59.433-07:00{Spring Decor}<div style="text-align: center;">
Spring Decor.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
The ladies and I were thrilled to find orange pinwheels.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It warms our hearts to be able to make something beautiful for our Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Miss him every day.</div>
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Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-48931618168209715432014-03-11T19:54:00.002-07:002014-03-11T19:54:29.425-07:00{Inside my head}<div style="text-align: center;">
I've known for a long time that the day would come where</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I would be a widow.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I knew I'd miss Travis, terribly.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I knew it would be hard.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I knew I'd have to play mom, and also dad.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I knew I'd have to pay the bills, kill the spiders,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and scare of boys when the girls are teenagers.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I knew it would be unbearable at times.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
grief, grief that is part of you, and that at times is your whole world...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it comes with a lot of other crap that you just didn't see coming.<br />
And sometimes,<br />
it really messes with your head. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This post is one I've debated about a million times.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've mentioned that writing does a lot of good for my soul,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I certainly filter a lot of my thoughts out for a few reasons.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
1-Some of them may be too hard to read or feel.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
2-Someone may have me committed if they knew the truth of what is going on</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
in my head!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A few widow friends, who are obviously braver them I am,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
have put it all out there and I have no words to express the gratitude I've felt</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when I realized that these thoughts are completely normal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Yes, they make life feel pretty rotten at times,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I think it is a completely natural part of the process.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's one I loathe, and it's been the hardest part of this ordeal for me personally.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Besides the missing him, of course).<br />
<br />
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.<br />
Right?<br />
I sure hope so. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So here you have it.<br />
I really hope that in writing it,<br />
another widow who may feel some of the sorrow I have felt,<br />
will see that it's ok. And normal. </div>
<br /><div style="text-align: center;">
I'll start with sleep.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm exhausted about 113% of the time.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wrestle with my sadness while parenting, alone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And by the time I put the kids to bed I can't wait to just sleep!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I get in bed, and the sleep evades me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm thrilled the 2 nights a week that sleep truly claims me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Most of the time there is just too much on my mind.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Trav's death was not peaceful.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was anything but peaceful,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and some of those memories from that week will never leave me. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And once they get inside your head,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
they like to stay a while.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I take a lot of comfort in the fact that Travis now understands</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
why that week was so hard.<br />
Why those past few years were so hard. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He now knows that I was trying, really hard, to make it as easy as I could for him,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I hate that he suffered so much in his death.<br />
When I think about the pain he was in,<br />
or how scared must have been at times,<br />
my hear breaks into a million pieces. <br />
I hate that I couldn't have done more.<br />
I hate that he went through it.<br />
And I hate that even though I really do know that I did all I could,<br />
at times,<br />
I still feel guilt about what occurred. <br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Those nights, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
sleep evades me and by morning I feel on deaths door myself.</div>
<br /><div style="text-align: center;">
Those nights are less and less.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But they still come occasionally.<br />
And they are hard to shake. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Another thing I never, ever saw coming,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
was doubt and worry for our future together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've believed my whole life that if I make the right choices,<br />
and do my best, I will get to live with my family for Eternity.<br />
That thought alone carried Travis and I through the entire span of our marriage,<br />
and especially through his cancer battle.<br />
I believe that we will be able</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to live together for Eternity in Heaven.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I can't wait for that day.<br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
there are times when the thought of</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"will he still love me then?" </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
pop into my head.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's gonna be a while before I get to be with him again...<br />
most likely a really long while.<br />
<br />
And I imagine what my life will be like till then.<br />
I'm gonna make mistake after mistake.<br />
I will do stupid things,<br />
yell at our kids one too many times,<br />
take things for granted,<br />
mix up my priorities,<br />
and basically do what we all do.<br />
That's part of life.<br />
Making mistakes and then trying not to make them,<br />
over and over again.<br />
<br />
Then I think of what he will be doing until then.<br />
I believe he will be watching over us.<br />
Watching me screw up----again and again.<br />
(I can see him shaking his head now!)<br />
He will be teaching others about his beliefs.<br />
And he will be getting better by the second.<br />
I know he wont judge me.<br />
He's already promised me that...<br />
<br />
but will he still love me?<br />
Will he be as excited to see me as I am to see him?<br />
<br />
These thoughts are apparently,<br />
a very normal part of grief...<br />
at least according to my sweet group of widow friends.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I remind myself,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
pretty much on a daily basis,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
about how hard T fought to stay with me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
About the times that only I could make him feel better.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And about those moments that we had together,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
where there was absolutely no doubts of our love.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And sometimes, when that's not enough,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will read an old note, or his old journal,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
or even look through a few old pictures and remember that</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
he does.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And he will. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wish he was here to reassure me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I also wish he was here to help with math homework,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
cleaning the garage,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and telling me I'm pretty.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
What I'm saying is,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
no matter what, big deal or small matter, I wish he was here. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's been 5 months today since Travis left us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And really,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my grief feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I do feel us moving forward little by litter.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We still miss him terribly.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We still have lots of uncertain moments in our life,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but I imagine that we always will.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We just keep moving forward.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Slowly. </div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-43869253473455318072014-03-04T21:41:00.001-08:002014-03-04T21:41:59.987-08:00{An open Letter to T}<i>This blog has turned into a complete outlet for my grief. In speaking with lots of my new found widow friends, I'm learning we all do it our own way. Some of us hide, some of us move on quickly, others never want to. Some write, some run, some paint, some haven't figured out what will help them yet. Writing, it turns out, helps me. (Also eating a sad amount of chocolate and peanut butter and taking a nap every day). I don't think there is a wrong way, or a right way to do this. I think it's just gotta be your way. If you find this too open, or to vocal...you don't have to read it. And if you think it's strange that I'm blogging an open letter to my T, well, it is a little, but it sure felt good to write. Read on knowing that I haven't lost my marbles (completely) and I'm aware that this letter was more for me, then anyone else.</i><br>
<br>
<br>
Dear Travis,<br>
<br>
Well, first....I feel like you should know that I still really miss you. That, I don't think, will ever change. I'm getting used to not having you here. That, in itself, is a double edged sword. It's nice not aching constantly...but man, the fact that I'm used to it really is the pits. (Remember how my grandma loved to say things were "the pits"? I bet you are hanging with her now. I miss her. Give her a love from me.) Back to being used to you being gone makes me feel real sad and glad all at once. I don't want to forget us. We had some pretty fabulous times, and I'm currently undecided whether it was better to ache constantly, then to be used to you being gone-and forget our goodness. I guess I'll keep you posted on that. <br>
<br>
We went to Disneyland. Without you. That was strange.... The first night we walked into the big store downtown to shop. I felt pretty empty not having you there, but the girls seemed ok. Adyson acted real stressed out about what surprise she would bring home. She stewed and stewed till there were actual tears. Sometimes I forget that this is how she handles stress...she can do the big stuff pretty good. Like you being gone. She's amazing and strong and such a trooper. But the choice: if she should get Minnie's Mouses house or the pillow pet brought tears. We left the store with me being mad at her and her crying. A few minutes later I looked at her to scold her and she just said "It's just not the same being her without him." (You are the him.) And then Sienna told me that just walking in the store gave her a tummy ache. (Tummy ache=anxiety for Roo.) We stood there under the tree, just a few feet away from our happy place, and we all cried a little. Not for long, just a few tears, and then we decided you'd want us to smile. And we did have some great laughs! Grandma, Sue and Linsey kept us smiling and eating our way through the park. I'm still full! We talked about you a lot and I can't tell you how good it was for me to spend a week straight just being the fun mom, instead of good cop and bad cop all in one. Adyson finally got brave enough for Soarin' and couldn't get enough of it. That girl, she's braver then she thinks. Roo isn't scared to try anything. Except for the salmon I cooked for dinner tonight but that's a whole different story. Coming home to a quiet house again is hard. I hate not having you here.<br>
<br>
What else?<br>
<br>
The girls are thriving. They really are. They are scoring top marks in class and both smile more then frown. That makes me incredibly happy and it helps me feel like I am sorta doing an okayish job as a single mom. Oh and you should see them ski! It's so beautiful to see them learn something new. I can't wait to see where this world will take them. <br>
<br>
Oh! Big news. We finally got to meet the mother on 'How I met your Mother.' She's cute and doe eyed and worth the years of the wait. I think they are gonna have her die on the finale, just like we thought. (What do you bet she has cancer? What a kick in the arse that will be.) I was sad you never got to see her. I know you don't care...but still, made me sad. And guess who's back on 'The Amazing Race'....the Utah dad and son. The girls and I are rooting for them!<br>
<br>
I have to get taxes done this week. Um...add this to the list of crap I hate doing without you. I took for granted that you just did it all. Thank you for that. I don't think I do it as gracefully as you did. I also hate changing light bulbs, running to the store for that one random ingredient I forgot. I also miss your mad computer skills...the computer is doing some strange things and I don't even know where to start! I loved your computer nerd skills. I loved your computer nerdiness in general.<br>
<br>
I'm trying to force myself to really try to take care of me again. I'm trying to run. (Failing, but trying). I'm skiing again. That is good for me! The sun and the blue skies are just what I need. I'm forcing the kids to do jobs around the house and to be helpers. It's good for them to be self reliant and I just can't do it all. My friends and family is taking good care of me. And the great neighbors too. I'm working on being better. I get mad if people give me special treatment, but then I get mad when I'm treated just like nothing ever happened....I'm a bit of a mess sometimes, but you were married to me so you know how crazy I can be. I'm working on it and trying to figure out a good balance. And I think it's ok that I'm a bit nuts. I am a widow, after all.<br>
<br>
Anyhow, we are surviving. That's really about all I can say when people ask. We have really bad moments, and really good ones too. I try to smile and be strong for the girls but sometimes it's all pretty fake. Remember me telling you the beauty school saying 'fake it till you make it'? Well, that's how I feel. I'm hoping making it happens sooner, rather then later. I miss texting you during the day and telling you the many, many random things that have happened throughout the day. I miss you laying on the couch with your socks hanging half off your feet. I loved how you did that. I miss cooking for you! The girls complain mostly and the cookies never
get eaten all gone. I made soft pretzels (our favorite Sunday treat)
the other day for the first time since you passed. We had leftovers and
I had to give them to the neighbors. I hated eating mine all alone
without you here telling me how delicious they are. Plus, I was tempted
to eat yours! (Okay fine, I ate yours.) I miss your laugh. I miss knowing that someone else loved the kids as much as me. It's hard being <i>that parent</i>...the only one who wants whats best and who has to make sure they survive and thrive. That part is the very worst. When I think of them not having you here. I hate it for them even more then I hate it for myself.<br>
<br>
There are a million small things every single day that I want to tell you. Things I know you'd roll your eyes at, or laugh at....and for sure have a really sarcastic comment to add to mine. I hate that I can't tell you our small successes or our failures. I hate that you can't help me figure out the best way to sort our finances, where you kept our last tax return, and I hate that I am so behind on the Aggie games. I never remember to look to see when they play or if they won. I miss you just doing that for me. (And I miss your loud clap too!) I hate that I am already forgetting a lot about us, and you. I do know that I wont ever forget how good we had it. I promise you that. <br>
<br>
Anyhow,<br>
I still love you. Still miss you. And still am grateful for you and your lasting love for our little ladies.<br>
<br>
Can't wait till we meet again-I plan on squeezing the crap out of you and not even worrying about your rib. I really, really can't wait for that day. <br>
<br><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZu0WP9xPCApClW_31Rz0vps4sSJBZBc2HxSXsX3XAyocSqeNeEBakDpQip9WGWsEHorTRLALR8vG3InZGeE2qdj2cVbQgMWSno9kqkl0SNEZ687BSQ5uFflOx1iyXYUEQ8atisSsCjBLt/s640/blogger-image-1725264696.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZu0WP9xPCApClW_31Rz0vps4sSJBZBc2HxSXsX3XAyocSqeNeEBakDpQip9WGWsEHorTRLALR8vG3InZGeE2qdj2cVbQgMWSno9kqkl0SNEZ687BSQ5uFflOx1iyXYUEQ8atisSsCjBLt/s640/blogger-image-1725264696.jpg"></a></div>Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-33695313827751765882014-02-23T22:44:00.004-08:002014-02-23T22:45:28.483-08:00{Some Thank-you's, Our First Vacation, And a lot of Jumbled Words}<div style="text-align: center;">
This week,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the ladies and I are off on our first family vacation without Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Before I really get into this post, I want to say a ginormous thank you.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Before Travis died we were given a very generous gift.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Neighbors and friends, lots and lots and lots of them, gathered together money, -and</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
went as far as to secure a private plane, and lovely hotel on the ocean for us to stay in. We weren't able to go because the Lord had other plans, and Travis passed the week we were supposed to be gone. I think it's pretty beautiful that he passed knowing that we had people who loved us that much, do something so generous and kind for us. That's one of the last things he saw. With everything that happened, I lost the card with the names of all who donated or helped. I've felt guilty about it since, and it has weighed heavily on my heart. I'd hate for anyone to think that their kindness wasn't noticed...because the thought was so beautiful, the gift was so generous, and the love was beyond. Thank you to all involved. I am sitting her all teary just thinking of it. That money is being used for our vacation this week. Instead of a goodbye vacation, I'm calling it a healing vacation. I'm so grateful for all the support and love. Beyond words.)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When his cancer came back,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Travis made a goal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Disneyland every year.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A trip where the girls could be little-and where they were the absolute focus. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And we did that for 5 years straight.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
After he passed away,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the girls wondered if we would still go without him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And this is what Travis wanted,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so we are going.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I never imagined that it would be this hard.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've missed him immensely while I've been planning.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've missed him when I bought a cute shirt for the girls,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
or when I booked a dinner reservation at his favorite restaurant there.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I missed him tonight,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when I was packing and found a stray t-shirt of his in my clothes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I didn't know it was there,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and just to touch it made me ache.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will miss him laughing when the girls get a little freaked out on a ride.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will miss him holding my hand.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will miss him eating his favorite soup.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will miss him laying in bed next to me and complaining about his achy legs.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will miss him leading the pack. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will miss him being there, always knowing what I was thinking.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's strange, and always hard, and it never gets easier.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Grief is something I've never really experienced.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not up close and personal like this.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It does mean things to you.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It makes me angry when I see others really able to forget.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And heartbroken for my girls who are struggling through it,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
each in their own way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Really, it feels like it is one step forward, and two steps back.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Everything in our life has changed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Everything.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
From our finances, to our relationships with each other,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to the way our home feels inside.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When I write,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I realize that we sound quite a mess...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I'm censoring here...big time. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(I am angry about a lot of things,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
sad about a lot of things,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
having a heck of a hard time sleeping.. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and a basket case most of the time),</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but really,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I think that's how we should feel right now...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so I guess it's ok.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And we do have many happy, and good things happening every day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And we still laugh a lot.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And we love each other.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
Included in the good in our lives are the people</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
who haven't forgotten the battle we are facing every day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have friends who think of me first.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They make sure that if a Holiday is happening,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm taken care of.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Something that Travis is probably pretty grateful for. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They make sure that if I don't sound 100%,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that someone is here, Diet Coke in hand, ready to help.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They tell me I look really pretty...when clearly, It's not a "pretty day". </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And more important than that,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
they remember my kids.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They teach their kids kind things to say to support my kids.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They make sure to include my kids. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They write kind notes and give hugs and understand and forgive when </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my kids aren't feeling happy, normal, or even nice.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They've been given the extra special treatment that they really deserve,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and that frankly, sometimes, I am too tired to give. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My mom has stocked her house full of crafts, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because I think she realizes that when they have too much down time,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
they aren't happy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She takes them for ice cream to give them a break from me...and me a break from them.:)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And she makes sure to ask what I need, even when I am grumpy</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and don't have a kind reply.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are surviving.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are adjusting.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But it definitely doesn't happen overnight,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and we wouldn't be surviving without the people who have made sure to</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
remember us in every action and thought.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm so grateful.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are surrounded by lovely people.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So with a heart half full of grief, and half full of excitement,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we are facing another first this week.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is the "Happiest Place on Earth", so I think that means that my heart will fill</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
at least 3/4 full of happy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'll take it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Thanks again for all our love and support.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
We Kidman Ladies sure appreciate it. </div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Disneyland 2009</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Trav's cancer had been back 3 months. </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Disneyland 2010-15 months, still fighting.</div>
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Disneyland 2011-27 months, still fighting.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Disneyland 2012-39 months, still fighting. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm 100% sure that this was the month Travis cancer started</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
really aggressively fighting back.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Disneyland 2013-51 months, still at it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I treasure these memories!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This year is gonna look different. </div>
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Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-38180169981137534232014-02-08T19:42:00.001-08:002014-02-08T19:42:44.651-08:00Help...<div style="text-align: center;">
n the past few months I've met a lot of widows,
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a good chunk of them are close to my age and dealing with </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
some of the same feelings and situations I am.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They have all found beautiful ways to document their memories</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and lives with their husbands.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've set a goal to really write down some great memories of Travis and I.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I want my kids to have lots and lots of memories of their own,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and memories they can picture from others.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If you have a memory, kind thought, or anything you feel the ladies should</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
remember about T,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
please e-mail it to me!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Hayley429@hotmail.com</div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-19430770021325811532014-02-03T20:47:00.001-08:002014-02-03T20:47:24.438-08:00Valentine<div style="text-align: center;">
I let the ladies pick out whatever they wanted for T's grave for Valentines day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Naturally, they found animal print.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He would love it.</div>
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Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-32855085695041392592014-01-27T14:15:00.000-08:002014-01-27T14:19:26.403-08:00{Widowhood lessons}<div style="text-align: center;">
This past weekend has been a bit of a test.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The girls have struggled,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm dieting..(which makes me cranky!)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The toilet overflowed and being the spoiled princess that I am,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I didn't even know how to turn the water off!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's made me really reflect on my new life as a widow.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A few lessons I've learned below.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I'm realizing,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
while I will never, ever, ever be happy or grateful for this challenge,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am grateful for some of the knowledge it's brought me. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">1-Some days,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I rule the world.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wake up early and clean the house.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I workout.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We read the scriptures and study before school.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The girls do a chore or two.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I eat healthy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I even do laundry and cook dinner.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I go to bed and say a prayer of thanks</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to my Heavenly Father for helping me make it through the day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
For helping me do things right.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And always, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I ask him to help me know how to help my little ladies overcome </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
all the trials in their way. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I thank him for letting me marry my T.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I drift off to a very tired sleep-while really missing Travis by my side.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">2-That usually means that the next day...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I fail at almost everything.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I sleep in.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wake the girls up late.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We have no time for anything in the morning...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the house is a mess.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I eat chocolate.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I eat more chocolate.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then it's dinner time...and I'm all </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"What kind of cereal do you want?" </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I then try to fix some of the mess I've made throughout the day,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and stay up way too late.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I say a different prayer these days.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Help me be better.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Help me try harder.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And forgive me for failing at almost everything today.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Those nights I drift off to sleep much later,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
much grumpier, and miss Trav more then ever.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Which brings me to #3. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">3-Either day is completely ok.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm learning that it's completely ok to have either day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's wonderful to feel like I can do it all...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but it's also kinda wonderful to remember that the days where I </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
fail...again and again and again...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we still survive.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We still wake up in the morning and get to try again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And guess what?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If I fail 2 days in a row (which happens...so often),</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can try again on the 3rd day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I get to keep trying.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">4-It will never be easy.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I think when Trav first passed away,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I felt a burden lifted.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That may sound bad to well...almost all of you,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but until you have lived the way we lived for the past few years,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
you wouldn't understand.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I knew then, and still know without a doubt,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that this is better for him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He was ready.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He didn't want to leave me-and especially the ladies,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but he was so sick.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And it was hard to watch.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So at first I really thought that in comparison, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
this would be easy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's not.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Silly, silly me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Watching my sweet little girls grow up without him is harder then</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I ever imagined it would be.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Adyson...oh my sweet Adyson is growing up.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She is all the sudden looking much older then she should be allowed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She is so concerned about others.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So concerned about me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If my friends go out to dinner she will make sure to push me to go..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Mom, you deserve an out! Go...have fun!"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She's thoughtful and caring and has a beautiful-loving soul.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hate that Travis isn't here to help mold her.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She is part him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wish so much that he could help her cultivate some of the </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
things she got from him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But it's just not that easy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And Roo.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She's still her glowing-happy self...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but at times, she's not.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
At times, she loses that for a minute.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She really misses her Daddy and is still a little too young</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to really cope with how this is better for him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I hate not being able to take the pain away.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And the worst part is,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the only person who could pull her out of that,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
would be Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When they are struggling I just hug</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
them.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I tell them I think it just sucks too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I tell them it's ok to be sad.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then a while later I tell them it's time to smile again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
No, it's not easy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I know that these hard moments will be like groundhog day for us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We will experience them often. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's beyond anything I could have imagined. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But we aren't alone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We are surrounded by family and friends who love us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And who would, (and frequently do), drop everything for us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Which brings me to #5</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">5-People will surprise you.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have a list of people who would do anything for me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They prove it over and over again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And again.</div>
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</div>
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I haven't had to doubt that these people would check on me daily.</div>
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Would send a funny text just because they knew I might need a smile.</div>
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They leave Diet cokes on my stoop,</div>
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make my favorite treat,</div>
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or just come to listen to me complain.</div>
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</div>
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What has been a surprise,</div>
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is some of the people who I never realized would care so much,</div>
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do.</div>
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They are a lovely little surprise and a beautiful blessing.</div>
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And there are others who I thought would be there,</div>
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and for some reason or another,</div>
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they aren't.</div>
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And that is ok.. </div>
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but it has made me really think about the type of person I want to be.</div>
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It's made me realize that this is my time for growth.</div>
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My time to choose a path.</div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">6-I'm not alone.</span></div>
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</div>
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We 3 Kidman girls are survivors.</div>
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We've been dealt a card.</div>
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And man,</div>
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it's not the card we would have chosen,</div>
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but we aren't doing this alone.</div>
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</div>
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At the end of the day-</div>
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(either the really good day, or the bad one),</div>
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I know that little miracles have been sent my way.</div>
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I know that Heavenly Father has provided a way for me to make it </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
till the next day,</div>
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and has given me an opportunity to make it better.</div>
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I can repent.</div>
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I can try harder.</div>
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And someday...I get to spend Eternity with my family. </div>
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</div>
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My testimony has grown leaps and bounds....</div>
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merely because I feel like I am proof that you can fail at everything,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and still not feel like a failure.</div>
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I get a chance to start over every day and I get a chance to be </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the mother that my sweet little ladies deserve every single day.</div>
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I know that we are being watched over.</div>
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We are given the strength when we need it.</div>
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I pray every day that the girls will feel it also. </div>
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We aren't alone.</div>
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Our house is full of love,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I think,</div>
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full of angels watching over us.</div>
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I imagine my Travis leading the charge.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wonder what lessons are still coming my way?</div>
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Be kind to me future...be kind.</div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-59836251297481965292014-01-12T12:13:00.002-08:002014-01-12T12:13:29.396-08:003 months<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
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Yesterday marks 3 months without Travis. </div>
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3 months without my very best friend.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I think as time has gone on,</div>
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some days have gotten easier.</div>
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We, as a family, have gotten in a rhythm.</div>
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The girls get home from school and we do homework,</div>
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play with friends,</div>
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go to lessons...</div>
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life moves on.</div>
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And we are trying to fill it with a lot of joy. </div>
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But some days have seemed much, much harder. </div>
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The days when the girls come home from school</div>
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feeling incredibly jealous because a friends dad came to lunch at school.</div>
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Or nights when I feel really alone,</div>
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because my partner is gone.</div>
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There are nights when I just ache to take care of him again.</div>
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I knew I'd miss waking up to give him meds and fighting side effects with him,</div>
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but I didn't think I'd miss it this much. </div>
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I want to cook his favorite dinner,</div>
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or even just want to complain about something that is driving me crazy...</div>
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something that anyone else wouldn't care about,</div>
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but Trav would have.</div>
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<br /></div>
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That being said,</div>
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those times are also a great reminder of how much</div>
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love I still have for him.</div>
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I'm glad that I married someone that I still miss so deeply. </div>
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<br /></div>
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The girls and I have been finding old pictures of Travis,</div>
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and watching old little video clips...</div>
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and hearing his voice just makes us all so happy. </div>
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In most of the videos, it's T and I videoing the girls doing something.</div>
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You can hear him laugh in the background,</div>
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or cheer for them.</div>
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The love he has for them is pretty adorable,</div>
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even just by the tone of his voice.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I just found these gems.</div>
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I mean.</div>
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I can't even say the love I have for these precious moments! </div>
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</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy_NRIsHTXBnhRtApCMh4LN0sCPr2N058claKFmbw9872LjXwjGMSLR8qQl6YCTfDYFGboG0QtcPSkr7XP_eBj9yYLu_-kTp5UU-mRPmYCDsyp-5loVjSdLDj5dJGdjkkS5jEUAjvWC1RD/s1600/002.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-dCmm9HpxoqDzeX15ajbnm7_A9v5huylUffykxVXyMvkYUcKnLE6J8D4IHd1AthT-4QsYyZ6BHO3ScrFFOh3wUYIvA3PJbFa4oVI1VoPLaT0xEkzotesA5IYK74SkpH9IzAiJhmvVrStM/s1600/1511153_10203170874095911_293547679_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-dCmm9HpxoqDzeX15ajbnm7_A9v5huylUffykxVXyMvkYUcKnLE6J8D4IHd1AthT-4QsYyZ6BHO3ScrFFOh3wUYIvA3PJbFa4oVI1VoPLaT0xEkzotesA5IYK74SkpH9IzAiJhmvVrStM/s1600/1511153_10203170874095911_293547679_n.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We spent the 3 months mark skiing.</div>
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The girls in classes,</div>
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and me with my dad.</div>
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Surrounded by the snow capped peaks,</div>
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the blue sky,</div>
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and the sun!</div>
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We are full of hope that 2014 will be a year of heeling for us.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtyfN2mkT7oqbUXc_joDDGXpntwzsJq4pru7BbEtdH4nJ30FdlX-Ozdc_vdnu32wpzka4ujCZOza77iQdJZtRaVFBTtpF_Bh3MTFpHcvFL_gWoa9PcYqsz1mmGnYOzQcHE_ZC0FU0P6U7G/s1600/1545607_10203201752867861_832040676_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtyfN2mkT7oqbUXc_joDDGXpntwzsJq4pru7BbEtdH4nJ30FdlX-Ozdc_vdnu32wpzka4ujCZOza77iQdJZtRaVFBTtpF_Bh3MTFpHcvFL_gWoa9PcYqsz1mmGnYOzQcHE_ZC0FU0P6U7G/s1600/1545607_10203201752867861_832040676_n.jpg" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
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I realized I didn't blog about this at Christmas,</div>
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and really want to remember it in the future.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I bought myself a new wallet this year for Christmas.</div>
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In the morning as the girls were downstairs playing with their spoils,<br />I was emptying out my old wallet and filling my new one.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I found a pocket of notes from Travis, that I have moved from wallet to wallet over the years.</div>
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I had forgotten about them.</div>
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This one was the first one I opened. </div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN1Dwq6fHHC8G_HA2i-7D7PRPHWMDza_uwo_NfRHPFQXX2BZNRBKtoUGlfMdGLlpXLu2afhs96N0xsmt8ftX3VldnqTlGvRPtGxoT4INNc_CA9JYBbxzuurRIj7CqtVcQyoqn1BYfz1uGr/s1600/1506461_10203079671375900_249054853_n.jpg" height="640" width="640" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I felt like I had a lovely gift right from Travis that morning.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is 13 years old, but quite fitting for now-I think.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Thanks to all of you who keep remembering us in all you do.</div>
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We have been able to survive because so many have helped us smile.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Happy 2014 to everyone! </div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-38887578237395518262013-12-27T21:56:00.002-08:002013-12-27T21:56:24.460-08:00Christmas.<div style="text-align: center;">
Christmas, without Travis.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The past month people kept saying,</div>
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"I'm so sorry that you have to do the Holiday's without Travis"</div>
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Or </div>
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"This Christmas will be tough..."</div>
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<br /></div>
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I really didn't agree.</div>
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Not that I thought it would be easy,</div>
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but the month leading up to Christmas was enjoyable- and busy.</div>
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Busy-when your grieving, is good.</div>
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I had a reason</div>
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to cook,</div>
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to shop,</div>
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to decorate.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I really thought that yes, the Holidays will be hard,</div>
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but it's when 'real life' beings again, that things will be tough.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Well..</div>
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turns out,</div>
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Christmas was much, much harder then I anticipated.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Christmas Eve day I cleaned the house and got all ready for us to be able to enjoy</div>
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the next few days.</div>
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I shopped for a few last minute things and took the girls to lunch and</div>
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felt pretty excited and surprisingly happy.</div>
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And then I went to fill the car up with gas for the ride to his</div>
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parents home in Treemonton,</div>
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and it really hit me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I was making the drive,</div>
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on Christmas Eve,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
without Travis.</div>
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<br /></div>
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It was a very long ride.</div>
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My heart just hurt.</div>
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I wanted him there to hold my hand.</div>
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I wanted to scratch his neck as he drove.</div>
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I wanted to feel the excitement with my kids-and with my Travis.</div>
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And it felt very unfair that I couldn't.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But we made it,</div>
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and once we got there,</div>
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we were able to enjoy the night.</div>
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It wasn't the same without him,</div>
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and I realize that I will probably never get used to it.</div>
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I hate not having my partner.</div>
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(I kinda want to stomp my foot like a child...but I am refraining...for now.)</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We went to Treemonton early this year so we wouldn't have to drive</div>
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home in the super dark, and so we could watch a movie and have some family time..</div>
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but I didn't really think ahead.</div>
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We had no food...and no where was open!</div>
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So we came home and the girls ate ice cream....</div>
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(mother of the year?)</div>
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and we watched a movie and they went to bed.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And I did Christmas.</div>
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And again,</div>
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I hated,</div>
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hated,</div>
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doing it without Travis.</div>
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And truth be told, </div>
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the past 2 years he hasn't been much help.</div>
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I'd still have to wrap it all,</div>
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and get it all ready,</div>
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but he would have been there.</div>
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That would have been enough.</div>
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(I say that, but I do know in my heart that if he were here this year,</div>
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he would have been incredibly weak, and tired and sick, and it still wouldn't have</div>
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been the Christmas' of our past...I know that. I do.)</div>
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But still, it hurt.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I got all done,</div>
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and looked up at our lonely stockings and just felt sad.</div>
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Next year I will find some way to fill his stocking with something special,</div>
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because it was really hard to see it hanging there.</div>
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(And I will just have to fill mine too! Darn!) </div>
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<br /></div>
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The girls though,</div>
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they had a wonderful Christmas.</div>
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And that is what is really important.</div>
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We made it.</div>
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And we made a lot of memories on the way.</div>
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I will know what to work on for next year to make it easier on all of us.</div>
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<br /></div>
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New Years Eve is coming.</div>
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And it's really hard to think of entering a new year without him.</div>
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He was my whole 2013...</div>
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and it's very strange to think he wont be here with me (in body) in 2014.</div>
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It's so REAL...you know?</div>
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<br /></div>
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So I'm setting a lot of goals for 2014,</div>
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and I am not going to fail.</div>
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I have every reason to work on myself, and to make our home what it should be,</div>
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and I'm gonna try really hard to fill it with goodness and joy.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I know that this post sounds like such a downer...</div>
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but it's honest at least.</div>
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And I know that we will get through this.</div>
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Thank you to all of you who helped to make our Christmas Season special.</div>
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We got lots of lovely gifts, cards, and messages sent our way and it really helped us</div>
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get through it.</div>
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I hope in years to come,</div>
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I can do it a bit more gracefully!</div>
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But this year, <br />I'm just proud to have survived!</div>
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Happy Holidays to all of our loved ones. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiypi0JyiwoRlnZJ7A8bvUIgHrzkkJfo5OtkPPvRQ1ueL6Lgki17GfWV2AZ7f1bHfNeAZGMV1OE_Ghm1SbUHqoVrsg5P_pkeFvDv6DoO3-wAn7ltu4qK8eQvjSSguefCdzrbLgoN0F77hcR/s640/blogger-image-565489965.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiypi0JyiwoRlnZJ7A8bvUIgHrzkkJfo5OtkPPvRQ1ueL6Lgki17GfWV2AZ7f1bHfNeAZGMV1OE_Ghm1SbUHqoVrsg5P_pkeFvDv6DoO3-wAn7ltu4qK8eQvjSSguefCdzrbLgoN0F77hcR/s640/blogger-image-565489965.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Our Travis Trees</div>
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Green ornaments:</div>
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(his favorite color)</div>
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Aggie blue ornaments.</div>
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Orange ornaments:</div>
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(our fighting color)</div>
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An Aggie flag.</div>
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Aggie golf balls.</div>
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Masters Golf ball.</div>
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A few personalized ornaments.</div>
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And Lots of memories through pics.</div>
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I love these trees!</div>
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Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-47183076069035494472013-12-15T22:22:00.001-08:002013-12-15T22:22:06.803-08:00<div style="text-align: center;">
I've received so many emails questioning how we are</div>
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doing...and I know we have so many people thinking of us </div>
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and wanting to know if we are surviving....</div>
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but whenever I start a post,</div>
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they end up sounding very sad.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And yes,</div>
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I am very sad.</div>
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But I'm also surviving and smiling and laughing.</div>
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It's a complete mixture of every emotion most days,</div>
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and I guess that's how it should be.</div>
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</div>
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Right now,</div>
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the hardest part is that for everyone else,</div>
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life is just normal again.</div>
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Even our closest family and friends have a semi normal routine back.</div>
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(That's not to say they don't miss him terribly,</div>
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but the reminder of how much our life has changed isn't around every corner for everyone else.)</div>
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For me,</div>
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that reality is everywhere.</div>
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</div>
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It's there when I wake up to get the kids ready in the morning</div>
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and I don't have to shush them because Trav's asleep.</div>
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It's there when another friend talks about their Dad during carpool,</div>
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and I see the tinge of jealousy in my kids' faces.</div>
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It's there when my kids have recitals and concerts and Trav can't be there to cheer them on.</div>
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It's there even with the simple things,</div>
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like planning my menu for the week or watching "The Amazing Race" alone. </div>
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It's there when I realize that when I lost him,</div>
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I lost our "couple friends" and date nights. </div>
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It's there when the weekend comes.</div>
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I hate the weekends.</div>
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I'm sure over time,</div>
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I will love them again....</div>
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but right now,</div>
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they just hurt.</div>
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</div>
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I miss us snuggling by the fire before bed on Friday night.</div>
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And I miss our Saturday lunch date with the girls.</div>
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And I miss sitting by him during church so much that I just ache.</div>
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</div>
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Missing him is everywhere.</div>
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</div>
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On the same token,</div>
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I'm also very grateful that everywhere I turn,</div>
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there are pieces of him to miss.</div>
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It's a very good reminder that while he was here,</div>
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he was our whole world.</div>
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We made it count,</div>
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and that really pleases me.</div>
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We have a lot of really good memories to thrive one.</div>
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And when I remember what the last year of our life together</div>
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was like,</div>
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I know that we can get through this.</div>
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I love knowing that Travis is pain free.</div>
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I hated watching him suffer,</div>
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and know that this is what was best for him.</div>
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</div>
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So it's Sunday night,</div>
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and tomorrow we will begin a crazy busy week again.</div>
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I will ruffle feathers and smooth them over again about 100 times.</div>
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Daily.</div>
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I will pray for patience time and time again.</div>
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I will stew over my kids when they are upset,</div>
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and laugh when they are feeling extra carefree</div>
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and we will continue to take it one day at a time.</div>
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Thank goodness for my resilient kids.</div>
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They have been true champions this past few months</div>
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and are adjusting to our new life as well as can be expected.</div>
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</div>
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We plan on making new traditions this Christmas and savoring every memory we can. </div>
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We plan on eating too much--spoiling each other--and remembering Our Savior who</div>
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made it possible for us to live again. It seems a very good time for us to be able to focus on that. </div>
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</div>
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Thank you to all who have went to extra effort to take care of us</div>
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and make sure we are smiling more then frowning.</div>
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We have been blessed because of others countless times</div>
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and hope that you all have a very</div>
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Merry Christmas as well. </div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-72384406931733536992013-11-19T22:24:00.003-08:002013-11-19T22:30:15.527-08:00{Feeling Heavy}<div style="text-align: center;">
Just after Travis passed away I felt such a huge amount of relief.</div>
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The last few weeks leading up to his death were pretty horrible.</div>
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I was ready for us to begin to heal.</div>
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I was ready to do some of the hard work-it felt like my turn-he'd done his time.</div>
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</div>
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So for that first month, I went full force.</div>
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I planned the funeral,</div>
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cleaned the house.</div>
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I figured out every bill-</div>
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my health insurance,</div>
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and the many...many....many...many details that need tending to when someone passes. </div>
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I took the girls shopping.</div>
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Let them play with friends.</div>
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Made sure they weren't missing out on anything.</div>
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My friends would bombard me at night and stay till much past our bedtimes.</div>
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</div>
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I felt light.</div>
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It had just been so hard for so long-and I knew this was better for him,</div>
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so I felt light.</div>
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</div>
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This past week, </div>
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that light feeling has gone and at times it feels like someone is squeezing my heart.</div>
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<br />
That husband of mine.</div>
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He is missed so deeply and profoundly.</div>
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</div>
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The other day my sweet Roo told me she can only remember Travis being sick,</div>
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and she can't remember any fun memories.</div>
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</div>
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I had a hard time with this,</div>
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because I feel the same way.</div>
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Those recent memories are so fresh.</div>
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And many of the things that transpired the week of his death,</div>
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I'd be so happy to forget. </div>
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I wish we could get some of the older memories to feel so close to the surface!</div>
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I was so glad to be able to tell her that I completely understand,</div>
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and now I'm really focused on making sure we have those memories somewhere tangible.<br />
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</div>
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We have a beautiful DVD of pictures of us as a family.</div>
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Photos all around the house. </div>
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Ive made the girls each beautiful books with pictures of them and their Dad.</div>
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When I look at it,</div>
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I am so grateful that I married someone who was such a great father.</div>
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Some of these pictures,</div>
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taken years ago before the cancer really took his toll,</div>
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they take my breath away and just make me hurt inside.</div>
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It's a love/hate thing.</div>
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I love to see him looking so healthy and happy,</div>
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but man-I miss seeing him like that-full of life and joy.</div>
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<br /></div>
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He loves those girls.</div>
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He couldn't possibly have loved them more. </div>
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And I really feel like as we look at the happy memories,</div>
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they will become more vivid to us.</div>
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I sure hope so anyways.<br />
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</div>
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Today as I was cleaning out our filing cabinent,</div>
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I came across the journal Trav kept when we were dating.</div>
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I can't tell you what a joy that was for me to read.</div>
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I just laughed and cried the entire way through.</div>
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A beautiful reminder that he really, really loved me.</div>
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He was smitten. </div>
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That death wont change that.</div>
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Nor will our time apart.</div>
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This is a treasure-and an answer to my prayers.</div>
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</div>
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<br />
We are still doing ok.</div>
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We are learning the ropes of how to manage just being the 3 of us.</div>
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And I think for the most part,</div>
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we are grieving in a healthy way.</div>
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We are still making lots of memories,</div>
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and laughing together,</div>
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and crying together when we need to.</div>
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</div>
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I thought I'd post his beautiful headstone that was put in this week.</div>
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</div>
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The ladies helped me deck it out for Christmas.</div>
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</div>
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Thanks to all of you who continue to pray for us,</div>
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and who have been here every step of the way.</div>
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I am so incredibly grateful to be taken care of like I always am. </div>
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Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-7885949338550954812013-11-11T14:02:00.002-08:002013-11-11T14:02:46.198-08:00Capturing the moments<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today marks a month since Trav passed away.</div>
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It's so strange to think I haven't heard his voice in a month.</div>
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We've never gone a full day without talking before this.</div>
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I sure miss his voice.</div>
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That being said,</div>
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today I've taken Sienna to the Dr. (Strep).</div>
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Ran to the store to get medicine.</div>
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Made a desperate run for Diet Coke.</div>
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Did some laundry.</div>
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Snuggled my Roo.</div>
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And have watched a few too many episodes of </div>
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Austin & Ally.</div>
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(So sad. So true).</div>
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<br /></div>
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It's been just another day,</div>
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and I'm grateful for that.</div>
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I feel blessed to be a mother.</div>
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I feel blessed to have a cozy house.</div>
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And I feel blessed that I had a love that really can carry me through all of this.</div>
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We are doing ok.</div>
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We miss him,</div>
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but we aren't sitting around crying.</div>
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<br /></div>
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He'd surely cuss me out for that in the future when we meet again.</div>
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(I have a few things I can't wait to ask him. The list grows longer each day.)</div>
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I thought I'd post some of the lovely images caught</div>
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by some of my dear friends during the week of the funeral.</div>
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Thank you Eileen, Jenny, and Kelly.</div>
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You ladies are so talented!</div>
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<br /></div>
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My dear friend (and really family), </div>
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Tami set up the display for the viewing.</div>
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It was a beautiful tribute. </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
My friend Courtney designed the programs.</div>
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I thought they were so beautiful.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY0pGYG_r4FhhaYcfuQnyi9lz7zx1DgM4Jvf9JRo2dXZmer8fkfwNtm_C2RWdBmIjnpkrqviljuXLTlAE8nPvrmEAA5HrWbwcPLKEGSH4ZCA5Css23NPg0DWS59wFDTn9cN7CU6vNv4Jqy/s1600/Travis'+Funeral_058.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY0pGYG_r4FhhaYcfuQnyi9lz7zx1DgM4Jvf9JRo2dXZmer8fkfwNtm_C2RWdBmIjnpkrqviljuXLTlAE8nPvrmEAA5HrWbwcPLKEGSH4ZCA5Css23NPg0DWS59wFDTn9cN7CU6vNv4Jqy/s640/Travis'+Funeral_058.jpg" width="428" /></a></div>
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My beautiful sister-in-law and handsome brother.</div>
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I adore these two.</div>
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<img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIMSOE0mWvExL397SKOGB-rrobQ4Ql2NVeCMgqT4zG9SpjJv7hftOku105Pq19PZ05R7S0bEBKfFu-dwa8LLuvPhwxDgfl19esxhwR2g04Mxyh0H9xmdWtvajIs4No1s6jleEuzF7wYcou/s640/IMG_0234.jpg" width="640" /></div>
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Sienna and her teacher.</div>
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Adyson's teacher came also.</div>
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They have wonderful teachers this year who are so aware</div>
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of each and every need. I adore them.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQh1C_wHT3LHxkHAvb-U0jtZVo1AcGNqfExDM-68pVf05aMk2gjUVCLMqaxEBwYCW3loapW6fm4BpcLT5BDmIxp9eH1OagrbMkWlSn-giq-9ZX5GSIbhgd8GuKSjpNV9Mp631Z48FpxYOh/s1600/IMG_0245.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQh1C_wHT3LHxkHAvb-U0jtZVo1AcGNqfExDM-68pVf05aMk2gjUVCLMqaxEBwYCW3loapW6fm4BpcLT5BDmIxp9eH1OagrbMkWlSn-giq-9ZX5GSIbhgd8GuKSjpNV9Mp631Z48FpxYOh/s640/IMG_0245.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Trav's lovely sisters, Michelle and Tiffany</div>
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Larry and Lorraine,</div>
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Trav's parents.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaeaMei-XiLrc0Y6BZsypBHJn6PEyyAhsnLYskXsuEmzXaORkoVgqDDJfsbl8HZc_uCazTZmY3RevwPdZwb2f2zC1JnxayoUMlPGvZT7Gs9wD01dFSXdr2YuumHcV4WTZGZtnFVMhfZxYX/s1600/IMG_0270.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaeaMei-XiLrc0Y6BZsypBHJn6PEyyAhsnLYskXsuEmzXaORkoVgqDDJfsbl8HZc_uCazTZmY3RevwPdZwb2f2zC1JnxayoUMlPGvZT7Gs9wD01dFSXdr2YuumHcV4WTZGZtnFVMhfZxYX/s640/IMG_0270.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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My sisters, Amy and Heather.</div>
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I was quite nervous for the viewing and these two</div>
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promised to watch over me like a hawk.</div>
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And they took that job seriously.</div>
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They didn't leave my side and carried me through the night.</div>
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They are my best friends. </div>
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Me and my gorgeous Roo.</div>
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A few of my idols,</div>
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Julie Redd and my Aunt Sue</div>
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My gorgeous niece, Breje. </div>
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how did she get so old?</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGFV4xPT22GQtYBqCS_CsGXsUyESNnYn8QiJjY8rOu_Y7O3SLdf_usiD3Oj3gqpoecCHPGrNzQJvhHMHddiE9VLZhDCBc3uY4GbnQfrA8uLr3v8_6GkvUTMPzhwZdygla0Ktpj1mpPoMMD/s1600/IMG_0310.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGFV4xPT22GQtYBqCS_CsGXsUyESNnYn8QiJjY8rOu_Y7O3SLdf_usiD3Oj3gqpoecCHPGrNzQJvhHMHddiE9VLZhDCBc3uY4GbnQfrA8uLr3v8_6GkvUTMPzhwZdygla0Ktpj1mpPoMMD/s640/IMG_0310.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
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Heather will hate me for posting this,</div>
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but it's the only pic of Adyson and I at the viewing.</div>
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I'm so proud of the grace my girls have.</div>
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They are amazing.</div>
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The night before the funeral some of my wonderful friends</div>
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hung these gorgeous orange bows all around the church.</div>
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It was a lovely gesture.</div>
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<img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCMS_iUbG0_8gj7p51vfFwA3CJXS0nmdAUuHpMG7Vh1sbvr3bHgRgtFVF0gLxVT2byEiE7_ORsXd62S2zvRvA2-8xZ3JeDdd3ubj_d8KfKcCKbcP3SEia9DtrP1hvxwFCBVWkCaB0Z18_8/s640/Travis%2527+Funeral_044.jpg" width="428" /></div>
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And have you ever seen a cooler hearse? </div>
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Yes, that's a TRAVSTRONG sticker.</div>
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This made the ladies day.</div>
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<img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2-XawvHeTOMII1oPBxqC1bs2RdShQjTdTcdwLUQj6nJvLwbFMutlmAPM5Z8IboEyXNS9pTzAeGjJbRjsLDOcmHfLoWK8bJvVUUW03K2rrpdHgUgx_YAiAZeziWQRLwOtbhGYvffcqJoIQ/s640/Travis%2527+Funeral_072.jpg" width="426" /></div>
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This picture.<br />It makes me tear up just looking at it.</div>
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Me, comforting the girls,</div>
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while my dad, brother, and father in law comfort me.</div>
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I adore this photo. </div>
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The Pallbearers. </div>
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Larry, Devin, Mike, Cody, Ron, Jody </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc8l79LdfqCf380aTHUSItUJ4i1PFjJpVmCZGRTrE_paZ2SuLQWFyThBSZb2f1rudQDDnNhV-Qf8eJMu1QtCr05ZkRnqc11_P3FqrAa5wMc6lrjDgYA4St6XxgpGYXMJfZDohYsup8pFfM/s1600/IMG_0357.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc8l79LdfqCf380aTHUSItUJ4i1PFjJpVmCZGRTrE_paZ2SuLQWFyThBSZb2f1rudQDDnNhV-Qf8eJMu1QtCr05ZkRnqc11_P3FqrAa5wMc6lrjDgYA4St6XxgpGYXMJfZDohYsup8pFfM/s640/IMG_0357.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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The ladies let go of orange balloons and sent a promise up to Daddy. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxCjeFRaxc4COvgHd6IQWJu9psD0aReuvyTSg9rBeKD7j_6K9QoB1iW7CX_xF4g0H-ve4XRjqdwlcjpuYacCfmlqmjskI45E1yTx7QnOKXvGWxGWe0UaBe2dmd6_cuoowtpt9U5lFYBwqa/s1600/KIDMAN++%252879%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxCjeFRaxc4COvgHd6IQWJu9psD0aReuvyTSg9rBeKD7j_6K9QoB1iW7CX_xF4g0H-ve4XRjqdwlcjpuYacCfmlqmjskI45E1yTx7QnOKXvGWxGWe0UaBe2dmd6_cuoowtpt9U5lFYBwqa/s640/KIDMAN++%252879%2529.JPG" width="426" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhm8dfjA6GHTpEeCvIEOf8ux36Wm3KvokqUCW7beLyE8kkzwQRl3fgwQJR6VmEBkCEIfv0GTiBCGgSkZ89WSB0fo_Odm081ffGOE5b5SdfOmw2CyHyBBcaxtjdaMYZVyehWUV7AifMiQEV/s1600/KIDMAN++%2528104%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhm8dfjA6GHTpEeCvIEOf8ux36Wm3KvokqUCW7beLyE8kkzwQRl3fgwQJR6VmEBkCEIfv0GTiBCGgSkZ89WSB0fo_Odm081ffGOE5b5SdfOmw2CyHyBBcaxtjdaMYZVyehWUV7AifMiQEV/s640/KIDMAN++%2528104%2529.JPG" width="426" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOkdNHxQCfLwGKyTiHc5j-H2gv4lZOCw4zGe2TY4v30qJ2BFmgADr1JUUXXQWIGLmfUgL_GQ5vmXMUQKZoI2PlIpnPDvGcklyLln9NO777PnIBdZNh9JFVW4MPVCU31huAF3kg9bGQQMST/s1600/KIDMAN++%2528245%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOkdNHxQCfLwGKyTiHc5j-H2gv4lZOCw4zGe2TY4v30qJ2BFmgADr1JUUXXQWIGLmfUgL_GQ5vmXMUQKZoI2PlIpnPDvGcklyLln9NO777PnIBdZNh9JFVW4MPVCU31huAF3kg9bGQQMST/s640/KIDMAN++%2528245%2529.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA-BdGqoRO4V8_51SO_vU6DAiGaFfpoREDG8iAaO38obql3_v6XpiVOjsVquJ4RLWcJZ7-cMN2BhHwfuBq8hxzkk46iSYyX2VIhlEIXrtdmoFSM7WY1WI1_Wra3ZQRL-5DPpRIvMWx0zWD/s1600/Travis%2527+Funeral_200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA-BdGqoRO4V8_51SO_vU6DAiGaFfpoREDG8iAaO38obql3_v6XpiVOjsVquJ4RLWcJZ7-cMN2BhHwfuBq8hxzkk46iSYyX2VIhlEIXrtdmoFSM7WY1WI1_Wra3ZQRL-5DPpRIvMWx0zWD/s640/Travis%2527+Funeral_200.jpg" width="428" /></a></div>
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My everything.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilVOk65hvvg6m-OS7yi2WhsgO-rwUQG18YPrpdCgDLHd3W0sS7rjJtPYCe3TJjjAFQ9Q8laHUWbxAz5A3HL9WxyE-NvAQBwtn5ZIuaqNIiSoUgon10yWXWRDWq4sqVHnITgo7NAYCX_-rV/s1600/KIDMAN++%2528242%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilVOk65hvvg6m-OS7yi2WhsgO-rwUQG18YPrpdCgDLHd3W0sS7rjJtPYCe3TJjjAFQ9Q8laHUWbxAz5A3HL9WxyE-NvAQBwtn5ZIuaqNIiSoUgon10yWXWRDWq4sqVHnITgo7NAYCX_-rV/s640/KIDMAN++%2528242%2529.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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I also really love this picture.</div>
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My sister-in-law Amy and I.</div>
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The week Trav passed away Amy pretty much took care of me.</div>
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Afterwards she knew I would need a clean house,</div>
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so she cleaned it.</div>
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She knew I'd need a big Diet Coke,</div>
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so she'd buy it.</div>
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I adore her. </div>
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I<img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEzPnvCnR7-7grTvrXdpYCqLqX9AVqDmmk6bbe4ZTKckZSVI2uycXMSyRGJTXIbY1A3XX8vzpCk-haVFwqElRDBoCrmcLAKLJXcPA0hhmV9uO0jW77k8spx9_eWlnOnmORpZn-ZYrBkzXq/s640/Travis%2527+Funeral_180.jpg" width="640" /></div>
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Candace and Julie, some of my dearest friends.</div>
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Devin, Trav's Brother.</div>
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My mom bought the girls and all of their girl cousins these beautiful orange </div>
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necklaces to wear.</div>
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So sweet and a treasure. </div>
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Some of my favorite friends.</div>
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These amazing men were in the Bishopric with Travis.</div>
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They will never know the influence they had on him.</div>
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He loved each and every one of them.</div>
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Lucy</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbbbksFP6TiTg2-o09KcGwfL03dJ8H3_GgYrpFZl4EPiForCwB1Re8ErDiESjigtaZNm47jv1zd_0M6uD3G4YdpuqzopNbVwtQzk_SQX4IhSsaS19Y_yXP91OB5T8aips2Ge69QW-xslxt/s1600/KIDMAN++%2528126%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbbbksFP6TiTg2-o09KcGwfL03dJ8H3_GgYrpFZl4EPiForCwB1Re8ErDiESjigtaZNm47jv1zd_0M6uD3G4YdpuqzopNbVwtQzk_SQX4IhSsaS19Y_yXP91OB5T8aips2Ge69QW-xslxt/s640/KIDMAN++%2528126%2529.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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My parents.</div>
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No words for how much I adore them.</div>
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They are here before I ask and would do anything for me.</div>
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I love them, and know how loved I am by them.</div>
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And am so grateful they love Travis like they do.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8D5PiEE6XaV5egLOfmo-R4l2NTgfSPe2bDl-iA1Vm4R8dwnvKW8i8_KoS11bj8RIG-OiaWQpDatz2jcCxWStHYsgSS4ofgUZDa9aa1loU0eMnHNFqTsmWGF8-vO-C0xpydVtDhE-XggCJ/s1600/IMG_0574.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8D5PiEE6XaV5egLOfmo-R4l2NTgfSPe2bDl-iA1Vm4R8dwnvKW8i8_KoS11bj8RIG-OiaWQpDatz2jcCxWStHYsgSS4ofgUZDa9aa1loU0eMnHNFqTsmWGF8-vO-C0xpydVtDhE-XggCJ/s640/IMG_0574.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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This one breaks my heart a bit.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCcEROexbEd3wmsuxB4W3V3z1CKsitSeoSsuGtcqbkcBVX8yzQTmUC96-yzDlVtEnOxC00vGf0KrdWmifvIrcxxpk22sz41yW3RljHV7lAUwuunaCcib9bIJ1PL3WCg0McLsejAB4Ky4pL/s1600/IMG_0403.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCcEROexbEd3wmsuxB4W3V3z1CKsitSeoSsuGtcqbkcBVX8yzQTmUC96-yzDlVtEnOxC00vGf0KrdWmifvIrcxxpk22sz41yW3RljHV7lAUwuunaCcib9bIJ1PL3WCg0McLsejAB4Ky4pL/s640/IMG_0403.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Adyson and her best friend Lexi.</div>
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Our girls have beautiful friends.</div>
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I am so grateful to them! </div>
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The cousins, sans Lucy who was. not. having. it.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7iVQU4uwj_EdZiECoNv_bDr94llnGCNCsKaA5vaq9gyBXp43-HE6lmZDMtStYYCTPLCBCN21VkGwJVNCgFXuSwSmlUYQ-EY-rcAipdpre-tFqTAx3CWMXrHKSP-XMjXcAOqZzFIo1nChJ/s1600/IMG_0539.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7iVQU4uwj_EdZiECoNv_bDr94llnGCNCsKaA5vaq9gyBXp43-HE6lmZDMtStYYCTPLCBCN21VkGwJVNCgFXuSwSmlUYQ-EY-rcAipdpre-tFqTAx3CWMXrHKSP-XMjXcAOqZzFIo1nChJ/s640/IMG_0539.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Sisters.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG9FMxuBPh8OBZtzpzb2Agfue2JzbbVxKFvrMJ-OLO8i3qVrOavowIi_UQ712OqPwOtX1KxR7Nttu4kmU764ewiwTL0jgIaHFxFq0yX8x_kdPq-7xQpDpTa62ynxAkGP_n22QmLiiLDnQH/s1600/IMG_0547.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG9FMxuBPh8OBZtzpzb2Agfue2JzbbVxKFvrMJ-OLO8i3qVrOavowIi_UQ712OqPwOtX1KxR7Nttu4kmU764ewiwTL0jgIaHFxFq0yX8x_kdPq-7xQpDpTa62ynxAkGP_n22QmLiiLDnQH/s640/IMG_0547.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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My brother Cody and I.</div>
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Travis was Cody's best friend and Cody has taken his role of taking care of us very seriously.<br />I never would have thought when we were kids that we would be so close.</div>
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I love him.</div>
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This one. </div>
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It's another killer.</div>
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My brother-in-law Jody and I.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Dale and Gloria Jensen</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Dale spoke at the funeral,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and did a beautiful job.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
One of Trav's dearest friends.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwr6PARFMUhVwVqWMnQWuB88-9Z3E_vKvAmsF7f-BZEXyGNoQdKzhZhUKZDLW4TCEcsay1XbhL6ujlx45uECrnNRMBFk3tJEejFomRuT4yey4lLUTfDt0nM85y_kDHjc35QuWfxdfuyCdz/s1600/KIDMAN++%2528248%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwr6PARFMUhVwVqWMnQWuB88-9Z3E_vKvAmsF7f-BZEXyGNoQdKzhZhUKZDLW4TCEcsay1XbhL6ujlx45uECrnNRMBFk3tJEejFomRuT4yey4lLUTfDt0nM85y_kDHjc35QuWfxdfuyCdz/s640/KIDMAN++%2528248%2529.JPG" width="426" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The Mullens.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Our best friends.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Kevin also spoke and did a wonderful job. </div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Beautiful flowers from my family. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJCcbGFr8UgaG7jQHroDHswlqOWB5QykxPCbttLgKTlI8uRe_EW_d3Uu5mdqqZrOQPMsgqruU2SpdmCeC_2urrmmPyGJiTGI4FeXxi23A7eHDzqbULbdXiB-UFO_nSGiiHpPQfgv0O9GIe/s1600/IMG_0319.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJCcbGFr8UgaG7jQHroDHswlqOWB5QykxPCbttLgKTlI8uRe_EW_d3Uu5mdqqZrOQPMsgqruU2SpdmCeC_2urrmmPyGJiTGI4FeXxi23A7eHDzqbULbdXiB-UFO_nSGiiHpPQfgv0O9GIe/s640/IMG_0319.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisjMTPcngC_led4smsZZwu65lXQr0517jAkSJ0FhbPPffYzeN58YtYajCRunoosNyNgYV24jUssQJINMTBqwHbvVc7gP8ahBIx8Ak9VrbeIaL_odFwy6iwAuI6A2uhHciJi459FtrDOXgO/s1600/Travis%2527+Funeral_170.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisjMTPcngC_led4smsZZwu65lXQr0517jAkSJ0FhbPPffYzeN58YtYajCRunoosNyNgYV24jUssQJINMTBqwHbvVc7gP8ahBIx8Ak9VrbeIaL_odFwy6iwAuI6A2uhHciJi459FtrDOXgO/s640/Travis%2527+Funeral_170.jpg" width="426" /> </a></div>
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And the luncheon afterwards,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
put on by my ward and an army of friends.</div>
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Please excuse the way I look in ALL of these photos.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I can assure you I felt even worse then I looked, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
somehow.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Candace, Julie, Katie, Me, Kristin </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXuKsXHBTmY2907jlpHERt5YxK-6kdvrebtsyO62lLLzRQibpOKTZPbFyFSx7B7_isw1-buovn82TTLxWq-mUYMMfFTaAhoRFyU6PGDfOepEPC4LIZLwx8ovLftk6VXRzXZRBXkl0afPGd/s1600/IMG_0623.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXuKsXHBTmY2907jlpHERt5YxK-6kdvrebtsyO62lLLzRQibpOKTZPbFyFSx7B7_isw1-buovn82TTLxWq-mUYMMfFTaAhoRFyU6PGDfOepEPC4LIZLwx8ovLftk6VXRzXZRBXkl0afPGd/s640/IMG_0623.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Ate and Johanna,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My lovely grandparents.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
The Wolfley Clan</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLc0_XDy_PDhpxePanrff7fwJrVLPA5JNqRC2C8g7Y_JTj5XEOITVXM3hOMuNGQHzk4Dp5eWNl09MusbaB5LEdzHd-68s_T9GVXTNdwt8DdHBZ9pgRqFtKW_pAjisaNEVVvzn-IcyvvyDi/s1600/IMG_0580.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLc0_XDy_PDhpxePanrff7fwJrVLPA5JNqRC2C8g7Y_JTj5XEOITVXM3hOMuNGQHzk4Dp5eWNl09MusbaB5LEdzHd-68s_T9GVXTNdwt8DdHBZ9pgRqFtKW_pAjisaNEVVvzn-IcyvvyDi/s640/IMG_0580.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Eileen And Steph,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
some of my favorite friends.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Lorraine and I </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiInH537tudV94Z95gOYcc1vDJlSgPYM0Y7w0RIB0STjjXKvOhvsdV9inzdrPASXC31aqQYxVY3J3jDt5v82TIBtWtU3KlhlAzWyMy6IeokqMjy2M9WZQH4npe1_bm-P8ylakgopaF9HIcW/s1600/IMG_0614.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiInH537tudV94Z95gOYcc1vDJlSgPYM0Y7w0RIB0STjjXKvOhvsdV9inzdrPASXC31aqQYxVY3J3jDt5v82TIBtWtU3KlhlAzWyMy6IeokqMjy2M9WZQH4npe1_bm-P8ylakgopaF9HIcW/s640/IMG_0614.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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About a week (or 2? It's a big blur!)</div>
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after Trav passed away,</div>
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the girls' school held TRAVSTRONG day.</div>
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A day where all the kids wore orange </div>
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and they let of balloons in Trav's honor.</div>
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All this to support my kids.</div>
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Have I mentioned I live in an amazing community?</div>
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This is why we can do it...</div>
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because our support is overwhelming!</div>
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It was a beautiful day! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja-iusI8B7gvIbL940C1GVtKxRw7JYnUPbHSVRcz1I1waPUXQ6R7t3eRQxDT6GbKySqT1VxI7kQaZrjox4g9YCizctZ8wPv8PCvTCzqFPbUqO-ey444HpDdCpC0ZKFkIzqORdOE59CzQkF/s1600/Balloon+Release_0070.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja-iusI8B7gvIbL940C1GVtKxRw7JYnUPbHSVRcz1I1waPUXQ6R7t3eRQxDT6GbKySqT1VxI7kQaZrjox4g9YCizctZ8wPv8PCvTCzqFPbUqO-ey444HpDdCpC0ZKFkIzqORdOE59CzQkF/s640/Balloon+Release_0070.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVm7vKnrjSyUIbwDSXFtQ_hcEpSopCCgippdWG4COulLY6l7LDof71MjoVYq_7X8O5N6Fn94BMvdFQzm6znus3MZZ42VVom4TMdN-FepXQ2lyV0ZUxUs-glolVqOdQlT5UUsMWcIeAvaOG/s1600/Balloon+Release_0077.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="427" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVm7vKnrjSyUIbwDSXFtQ_hcEpSopCCgippdWG4COulLY6l7LDof71MjoVYq_7X8O5N6Fn94BMvdFQzm6znus3MZZ42VVom4TMdN-FepXQ2lyV0ZUxUs-glolVqOdQlT5UUsMWcIeAvaOG/s640/Balloon+Release_0077.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzJJc1b0rj6qE4TfjfI0qyzXOs3vM7QUZhINdTw3soDxgsROl3AH-0f494U9Id8kq6XCXVtM7GFdkBq0OhAYpGNTOZ6ckZDdqHwhI8TLdkAMW1RJh0a-9PSc1EYESWSEGCJBswYt-Ofjpc/s1600/Balloon+Release_0018.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzJJc1b0rj6qE4TfjfI0qyzXOs3vM7QUZhINdTw3soDxgsROl3AH-0f494U9Id8kq6XCXVtM7GFdkBq0OhAYpGNTOZ6ckZDdqHwhI8TLdkAMW1RJh0a-9PSc1EYESWSEGCJBswYt-Ofjpc/s640/Balloon+Release_0018.jpg" width="432" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgCJILtrJ65xMxIDdptF3qdDJwDG8y290i_9yAEDq_ZaSo5UuuhtzEZIlzdHVb40GMuP5khpzydC5RSulkuZjePbOtLNCUYaOHcYThLhVYZ18E6jm_2irh43QtD7KLq0cW3aOrPYNhzDkx/s1600/Balloon+Release_0091.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgCJILtrJ65xMxIDdptF3qdDJwDG8y290i_9yAEDq_ZaSo5UuuhtzEZIlzdHVb40GMuP5khpzydC5RSulkuZjePbOtLNCUYaOHcYThLhVYZ18E6jm_2irh43QtD7KLq0cW3aOrPYNhzDkx/s640/Balloon+Release_0091.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
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Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-47536448825798506932013-10-22T18:00:00.001-07:002013-10-22T18:00:49.265-07:00How are we doing?<div style="text-align: center;">
I get this question a lot.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The answer is always the same....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"it depends on the second."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And that's the truth.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This house is full of girls who ALL</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
grieve differently.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel like I'm running an obstacle course each day</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
trying to figure out who needs what and how to help.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And because I'm SO incredibly busy,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(my to-do lists grow longer every day....I never knew how much crap </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
there was to deal with after someone passes away. But that is a different post!) </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I forget that I'm sad....</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
until I'm not busy and then it slaps me in the face a bit.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The other day I finally had a minute to myself and went</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to call my sister,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and my fingers just automatically called Trav's work number.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Slap.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Or the other day when Adyson said,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"Mom, during the funeral, as I was up singing,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I saw Grandpa hug Grandma, and Cody (my brother)-hugging Amy, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and Jody hugging Heather (My sister)-</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and no one was hugging you. Who is gonna hug you now?"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Slap. Slap.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And honestly,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and oddly,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and kinda funnily...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is that the worst is when I find a new recipe I can't wait </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to cook and think-</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
'I wonder if T will like this?'</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Or today when I read an article on an ex Aggie player</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I thought</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
'Trav is gonna love this!' </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Slap. Slap.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The very worst of it was yesterday when I </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
charged Trav's cell phone so I could make sure to get all</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
of his pictures and videos off of it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It beeped with text messages from Sienna that simply said,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"I love you."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They were sent just hours before I charged it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Punch.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That one hurt. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
These moments happen quite often.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss his sarcasm and wit.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss ESPN being on in the background.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Never thought that could happen, but I do miss it.) </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss his voice.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Even when I felt horrible and worried in the past,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
as soon as I heard his voice I felt ok.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I loved his voice.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But the very worst part of all of this,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is seeing my girls miss him and ache too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I really want them to remember every amazing detail about him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will not pretend Trav was perfect,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but he was pretty darn close.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Travis is patient, caring, loving, and supportive.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That man didn't miss a game/dance recital/ or special event.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And he really loves me and they got to see that in his actions.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I want them to remember that example.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I just wish that we wouldn't have so much </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
forgetting time before we see him again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Today I had a few meetings and I made my parents tag along.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
During one of them my dad made the comment about me being </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a 'single lady.'</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
First, I'm immature enough that I instantly laughed and heard Beyonce in my head.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But really.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(Your singing it now too, right?)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I still can't believe that this is my life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am a widow.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A single lady.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And my sweet kids lives are 'one parent' kids.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That being said,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I do know that the face slaps will become less,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and that we can get through this as a little family.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Were doing it day by day and second by second. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-47056774121557109312013-10-17T22:44:00.002-07:002013-10-17T22:46:10.732-07:00May 2, 1975-October 11, 2013<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="TextRun SCX59993576" style="font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 27px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX59993576" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX59993576" style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 34px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX59993576" style="background-color: inherit;">“The time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX59993576" style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 34px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX59993576" style="background-color: inherit;">I</span></span><span class="TextRun SCX59993576" style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 34px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX59993576" style="background-color: inherit;"> have kept the faith.” </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX59993576" style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 34px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX59993576" style="background-color: inherit;">(</span></span><a class="Hyperlink SCX59993576" href="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/2-tim/4.6-7?lang=eng" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="TextRun SCX59993576" style="color: windowtext; font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 34px; text-decoration: none;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX59993576" style="background-color: inherit;">2 Tim. 4:6–7</span></span></a><span class="TextRun SCX59993576" style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 34px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX59993576" style="background-color: inherit;">.)</span></span><span class="EOP SCX59993576" style="font-family: Lucida Sans Unicode,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 34px;"> </span> <br />
<br />
<br />
Friday October 11th, I lost my best friend.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I still feel really can't believe that he's gone.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And that I am a widow.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A widow?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
On October 2nd</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I wrote my last post about how time wasn't really on our side.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I thought we had a few weeks.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I never would have guessed 9 days later Travis would be gone. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Words can't express the emotions that I am going through.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That my amazing, incredible, courageous girls are going through.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That our entire family is going through.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Now, more then ever,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm in awe of Trav's strength.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He fought, and fought.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Even when his mind was ready to go,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
his body didn't know how to quit.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This past few weeks my home has been full of people who</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
love Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It became a boarding house for family members to come</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and care for him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And to say goodbye.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
At all hours of the night you could find </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
members of the Johnson family and The Kidman family</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
sitting around the table doing a puzzle, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
sharing memories,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
or sitting by Travis holding his hand to comfort him,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and telling him it's okay to go.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We laughed a lot.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We cried a lot.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I feel as though we have bonded so closely,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a last gift from Travis.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I love him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I miss him so much that I just ache inside.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I also feel a sense of relief.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel as though I've mourned pieces of Travis over the past 2 years.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I mourned when his rib hurt so bad he had to stop golfing.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I mourned when he was finally to weak to pick up the girls.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I mourned when food stopped tasting good and he stopped enjoying eating.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I mourned every time his bedtime became earlier and his alarm went off later.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I mourned each night when I'd wake up to give him pain meds.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I mourned every time he had to go to the Dr.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've had a head start in this process.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My Travis has been lost piece by piece. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He has just been so sick.<br />
I am grateful that he is free of pain.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
That the next time I see him-he will be complete again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
well then we are gonna enjoy every second of our new life together.<br />
I'm gonna squeeze him so tight and not worry about hurting him.<br />
And those girls are gonna do the same.<br />
I wish the time would fly by till then. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am ready for us to heal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is no secret that our family has been loved in the past few years.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And in the past few weeks we have been blessed beyond measure.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We've had an abundance of food brought our way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Beautiful flowers, words of love.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The day he passed our entire neighborhood, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
for blocks and blocks, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
was covered in orange.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrWjkANtEWKhfGVWpVQDIRJy8EZwIzTcg2_S9RuXjcAIgA1Vh93Y0VFN0f7i96BP5v00ht5rnrKQtKhcw6Bhyphenhyphenve_e92vLGFpnKe6FCOigKGLpFSzSz9ka6JICbQD7EYMU6WqOKZmQuesUP/s1600/1381854_10202493011189762_1311047053_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrWjkANtEWKhfGVWpVQDIRJy8EZwIzTcg2_S9RuXjcAIgA1Vh93Y0VFN0f7i96BP5v00ht5rnrKQtKhcw6Bhyphenhyphenve_e92vLGFpnKe6FCOigKGLpFSzSz9ka6JICbQD7EYMU6WqOKZmQuesUP/s400/1381854_10202493011189762_1311047053_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Orange balloons and bows everywhere.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Beautiful gifts for the girls left on the doorstep. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've received so many texts and messages by email and facebook</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that I will never be able to respond to them all.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The viewing was held Tuesday night.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was most scared for this.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hated having to bring the ladies to see there father this way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it was a healing night for us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And such a reminder that the body, and the Spirit are two</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
completely different things.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I have no doubt that Trav's spirit is resting,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
learning, playing, and watching over us.<br />
I loved this scripture shared at his funeral from Enos 1:27<br />
<span class="TextRun SCX204269507" style="font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 27px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX204269507" style="background-color: inherit;"> “And
I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my redeemer; for I
know that in him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal
shall put on immortality and shall stand before him; then shall I see
his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye
blessed, there is a place </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX204269507" style="font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 27px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX204269507" style="background-color: inherit;">prepared for you in the mansions of my Father.”</span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
As I drove home in a state of exhaustion that night,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was moved to tears and I found lanterns lighting up my</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
entire home. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyKB0BdT-siLA94Pqq9aIJ0Qz7-DLSBz_FXc-iq4PEFyHtU-T1BNA4-JBN6jx-fyyEq0WA-7FIJj2308a_AjuaJnDxZLiJTaOibpyUdHU5ZTMU4tBewbI7E4uTUXzGl9ETtdlPVNCHps28/s640/blogger-image-1978721814.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyKB0BdT-siLA94Pqq9aIJ0Qz7-DLSBz_FXc-iq4PEFyHtU-T1BNA4-JBN6jx-fyyEq0WA-7FIJj2308a_AjuaJnDxZLiJTaOibpyUdHU5ZTMU4tBewbI7E4uTUXzGl9ETtdlPVNCHps28/s640/blogger-image-1978721814.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRkz1JVePbv-fMT0lvtFLXPBTU5IZ9OHfjPUhDx9buweIIMaZ8ptUgucW7sh0lkCd5MLWHLw0Z2257tAhiU7sxuXcbWuuTNjMbSkr-04UjeGpWXxwdy67vJb44vwr0BLNg3x6S3_xBiURn/s1600/1382214_10202514983619059_1763125397_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRkz1JVePbv-fMT0lvtFLXPBTU5IZ9OHfjPUhDx9buweIIMaZ8ptUgucW7sh0lkCd5MLWHLw0Z2257tAhiU7sxuXcbWuuTNjMbSkr-04UjeGpWXxwdy67vJb44vwr0BLNg3x6S3_xBiURn/s640/1382214_10202514983619059_1763125397_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was a beautiful thoughtful gesture and it warmed my heart immensely.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was touched by how many people came to support our family.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Every single person who came reminded me that we will be ok,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because we are loved.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The funeral was held Wednesday (yesterday) morning.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't know how to describe my emotions adequately.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It was beautiful, peaceful, heartwarming, sad, and perfect all in one.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Everyone wore orange.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Orange ties must be sold out in our town.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The church was full of loved ones.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The music was breathtaking.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(My kids sang. I have never been so proud).</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The speakers,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Two of Trav's dearest friends,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
spoke the words we all needed to hear.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We laughed,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and then cried,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and then laughed again.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Travis would have loved it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhifN5Iv6skdZK9rjeff55P6felI0sYFcCkZOI6vF1hmGY18lSw6jIcmFnVvQpOU2OcIzzC1PQ-PxQpx5mBIjpgKvvlRcGPxR2EbaCg7lCpkitgZwcCZXf4EDpHv950n-djlYIhlrZ6C4Wk/s640/blogger-image--1133102126.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhifN5Iv6skdZK9rjeff55P6felI0sYFcCkZOI6vF1hmGY18lSw6jIcmFnVvQpOU2OcIzzC1PQ-PxQpx5mBIjpgKvvlRcGPxR2EbaCg7lCpkitgZwcCZXf4EDpHv950n-djlYIhlrZ6C4Wk/s640/blogger-image--1133102126.jpg" width="512" /></a></div>
I had so much help with the viewing and the funeral that</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I would think of something and it would literally already be done.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am so grateful.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I really wish I could express just how deep my gratitude goes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel like I have an army of people wanting to help.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hope I am always reminded of this time,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and will remember to be better in the future.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So here we are,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
trying to find our new normal.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm not gonna lie,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm scared.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Can I be the mom they need?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And how can I do this without my T?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And how can I get my kids through this?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I guess we will see..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
because we have no choice.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Thank you all for the support you 've shown</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
as Trav fought his fight.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He loved you all.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He loved all the support we had,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I think he knew we'd be ok once he moved </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
on because that support wont end.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
He wasn't a man of many words,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but he told me many, many times how thankful he was.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We have angels surrounding us,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and an army of angels in heaven guiding us,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I know Trav is leading the charge. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Here is a<span style="font-size: x-large;"> <a href="http://www.webbmortuary.com/obituaries.html">link to the obituary.</a> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Thanks again to everyone for your love and support.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We love our TRAVSTRONG family. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg8MUlQ9f5tSXlqTEefheqiF6z_NZw_mvIbhY9I07FypQjv32tI-jzmWNDuVQTCZEUFHTUWGedu8E2OJ2MdnIPnu2BzgsXCSMk2lHU5SdSBEm0zK_3UodhXB1YvkX5FFMPsE-mkoGw06vm/s640/blogger-image--1245073339.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg8MUlQ9f5tSXlqTEefheqiF6z_NZw_mvIbhY9I07FypQjv32tI-jzmWNDuVQTCZEUFHTUWGedu8E2OJ2MdnIPnu2BzgsXCSMk2lHU5SdSBEm0zK_3UodhXB1YvkX5FFMPsE-mkoGw06vm/s640/blogger-image--1245073339.jpg" width="425" /> </a></div>
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<div class="Paragraph SCX10903800" style="background-color: white; color: windowtext; font-family: 'Segoe UI',Tahoma,Verdana,'Sans-Serif'; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-indent: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">T</span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">he tree that never had to fight</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><br />
<span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">For sun and sky and air and light</span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">,</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">But stood out in the open plain</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">And always got its share of rain,</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">Never became a forest king</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">But lived and died a scrubby thing.</span></span><span class="EOP SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"> </span><br />
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<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">The man who never had to toil</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">To gain and farm his patch of soil,</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">Who never had to win his share</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">Of sun and sky and light and air,</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">Never became a manly man</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">But lived and died as he began.</span></span><span class="EOP SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"> </span></div>
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<div class="Paragraph SCX10903800" style="background-color: white; color: windowtext; font-family: 'Segoe UI',Tahoma,Verdana,'Sans-Serif'; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-indent: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">Good timber does not grow with ease</span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">:</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">The stronger wind, the stronger trees;</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><br />
<span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">The further sky, the greater length;</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">The more the storm, the more the strength.</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">By sun and cold, by rain and snow</span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">,</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><br />
<span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">In trees and men good timbers grow.</span></span><span class="EOP SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"> </span></div>
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<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX10903800" style="margin-left: 28px; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px;">
<div class="Paragraph SCX10903800" style="background-color: white; color: windowtext; font-family: 'Segoe UI',Tahoma,Verdana,'Sans-Serif'; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-indent: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">Where thickest lies the forest growth</span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">,</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><br />
<span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">We find the patriarchs of both.</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">And they hold counsel with the stars</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">Whose</span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;"> broken branches show the scars</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><br />
<span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">Of many winds and much of strife.</span></span><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><br />
<span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="SCX10903800"> </span></span><span class="TextRun SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"><span class="NormalTextRun SCX10903800" style="background-color: inherit;">This is the common law of life.</span></span><span class="EOP SCX10903800" style="font-family: Arial,Sans-Serif; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 26px;"> </span></div>
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Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5094425030792210864.post-42131013225032736242013-10-02T14:57:00.002-07:002013-10-02T14:57:34.813-07:00{Time}<div style="text-align: center;">
I've been sitting here trying to write this post for a while....</div>
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the words aren't coming.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Trav is rapidly getting sicker.</div>
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We really thought we'd have a little more time,</div>
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but the Lord has other plans.</div>
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<br /></div>
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We met with hospice yesterday and know our time is short.</div>
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This is rough.</div>
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Our sweet girls understand what is happening as much as they can.</div>
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We have always been very honest with them,</div>
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but these conversations are incredibly hard....</div>
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and there isn't a way to make them easier.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I'm trying to find the balance between being strong for them,</div>
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and letting them see that I'm aching as they are.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I wish, so much, that things were different and that we weren't facing</div>
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all this ugliness...</div>
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but then I'm reminded that we've been facing it for years now.</div>
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I'm so tired of watching Travis ache.</div>
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We've sugar coated a lot of the past few years,</div>
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but they've been extremely hard. </div>
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I'm tired of horrible side effects and bad news, and watching him waste away.</div>
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So we are accepting this knowing that he is going somewhere</div>
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where he will be himself again.</div>
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Where he wont hurt.</div>
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That is an extreme comfort to me, and to the ladies.</div>
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<br /></div>
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A few years ago Travis and I were able to go to Spain,</div>
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where he served his LDS mission.</div>
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He was undergoing treatments, but doing incredibly well</div>
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at the time and felt good-and looked healthy.</div>
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We took a bus to a city he spent a lot of his time in,</div>
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Aranjuez.</div>
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He loved this city and couldn't wait to show me around.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I will never, ever forget him jumping off the bus,</div>
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holding onto the backpack,</div>
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and walking so fast I had to beg his long legs to slow down so my short ones will keep up.</div>
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He looked like a 19 year old missionary to me then.</div>
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I remember snapping this quick picture because I thought</div>
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he looked so handsome, healthy, and so full of excitement and life. </div>
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I wish you could see the look of joy on his face.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEcCdhg4GHEqZl9cbm0qpGprqTzOLQ2luuFvVpxec2ZfUsojGpTcyFmcxArqhkEoZmm1edg0gQQRhiByKAykWTAPf58APe0Ismm4Wnw7F2-US7azdsN2FhfGP8pAGJeMQS2bAsz3f9lKM4/s1600/PA140120.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEcCdhg4GHEqZl9cbm0qpGprqTzOLQ2luuFvVpxec2ZfUsojGpTcyFmcxArqhkEoZmm1edg0gQQRhiByKAykWTAPf58APe0Ismm4Wnw7F2-US7azdsN2FhfGP8pAGJeMQS2bAsz3f9lKM4/s320/PA140120.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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This picture has brought me a lot of peace the past few</div>
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weeks.</div>
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I know, without a doubt, that this youthful, healthy Travis will</div>
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welcome me and my girls into heaven.</div>
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He will probably give me a big smooch and squeeze and he will </div>
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swing those little ladies around in the air.</div>
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<br />I can't wait for that day.</div>
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<br /></div>
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All these days in between...those are the hard days.</div>
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I'm full of anxiety and dread over the next few weeks and the things </div>
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that we will have to face.</div>
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I hate to think of some of the hard things the girls will have to handle.</div>
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I wonder if I can be the parent they need.</div>
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But we will take it one day at a time.</div>
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<br /></div>
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We are so grateful to those of you who continue to support our family.</div>
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We are blessed in every aspect of our lives,</div>
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from his care, work, to our neighborhood and family.</div>
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Thank you all for getting us through this hard time.</div>
Hayleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01660752681049132173noreply@blogger.com12