Monday, January 27, 2014

{Widowhood lessons}

This past weekend has been a bit of a test.
The girls have struggled,
I'm dieting..(which makes me cranky!)
The toilet overflowed and being the spoiled princess that I am,
I didn't even know how to turn the water off!
It's made me really reflect on my new life as a widow.

A few lessons I've learned below.
And I'm realizing,
while I will never, ever, ever be happy or grateful for this challenge,
I am grateful for some of the knowledge it's brought me.
1-Some days,
I rule the world.
I wake up early and clean the house.
I workout.
We read the scriptures and study before school.
The girls do a chore or two.
I eat healthy.
I even do laundry and cook dinner.
I go to bed and say a prayer of thanks
to my Heavenly Father for helping me make it through the day.
For helping me do things right.
And always, 
I ask him to help me know how to help my little ladies overcome 
all the trials in their way. 
And I thank him for letting me marry my T.
 And I drift off to a very tired sleep-while really missing Travis by my side.
2-That usually means that the next day...
I fail at almost everything.
I sleep in.
I wake the girls up late.
We have no time for anything in the morning...
the house is a mess.
I eat chocolate.
I eat more chocolate.
And then it's dinner time...and I'm all 
"What kind of cereal do you want?"
I then try to fix some of the mess I've made throughout the day,
and stay up way too late.
I say a different prayer these days.
Help me be better.
Help me try harder.
And forgive me for failing at almost everything today.
Those nights I drift off to sleep much later,
much grumpier, and miss Trav more then ever.
Which brings me to #3.

3-Either day is completely ok.

I'm learning that it's completely ok to have either day.
It's wonderful to feel like I can do it all...
but it's also kinda wonderful to remember that the days where I 
fail...again and again and again...
we still survive.
We still wake up in the morning and get to try again.
And guess what?
If I fail 2 days in a row (which often),
I can try again on the 3rd day.
I get to keep trying.
4-It will never be easy.
I think when Trav first passed away,
I felt a burden lifted.
That may sound bad to well...almost all of you,
but until you have lived the way we lived for the past few years,
you wouldn't understand.
I knew then, and still know without a doubt,
that this is better for him.
He was ready.
He didn't want to leave me-and especially the ladies,
but he was so sick.
 And it was hard to watch.
So at first I really thought that in comparison, 
this would be easy.
It's not.
Silly, silly me.
Watching my sweet little girls grow up without him is harder then
I ever imagined it would be.
 Adyson...oh my sweet Adyson is growing up.
She is all the sudden looking much older then she should be allowed.
She is so concerned about others.
So concerned about me.
If my friends go out to dinner she will make sure to push me to go..
"Mom, you deserve an out!  Go...have fun!"
She's thoughtful and caring and has a beautiful-loving soul.
I hate that Travis isn't here to help mold her.
She is part him.
I wish so much that he could help her cultivate some of the 
things she got from him.
But it's just not that easy.
And Roo.
She's still her glowing-happy self...
but at times, she's not.
At times, she loses that for a minute.
She really misses her Daddy and is still a little too young
to really cope with how this is better for him.
And I hate not being able to take the pain away.

And the worst part is,
the only person who could pull her out of that,
would be Travis.
When they are struggling I just hug
I tell them I think it just sucks too.
I tell them it's ok to be sad.
And then a while later I tell them it's time to smile again.
No, it's not easy.
I know that these hard moments will be like groundhog day for us.
We will experience them often.
It's beyond anything I could have imagined.
But we aren't alone.
We are surrounded by family and friends who love us.
And who would, (and frequently do), drop everything for us.
 Which brings me to #5

5-People will surprise you.
I have a list of people who would do anything for me.
They prove it over and over again.
And again.
I haven't had to doubt that these people would check on me daily.
Would send a funny text just because they knew I might need a smile.
They leave Diet cokes on my stoop,
make my favorite treat,
or just come to listen to me complain.
What has been a surprise,
is some of the people who I never realized would care so much,
They are a lovely little surprise and a beautiful blessing.
And there are others who I thought would be there,
and for some reason or another,
they aren't.
And that is ok..
but it has made me really think about the type of person I want to be.
It's made me realize that this is my time for growth.
My time to choose a path.
6-I'm not alone.
We 3 Kidman girls are survivors.
We've been dealt a card.
And man,
it's not the card we would have chosen,
but we aren't doing this alone.
At the end of the day-
(either the really good day, or the bad one),
I know that little miracles have been sent my way.
I know that Heavenly Father has provided a way for me to make it 
till the next day,
and has given me an opportunity to make it better.
I can repent.
I can try harder.
And someday...I get to spend Eternity with my family.
My testimony has grown leaps and bounds....
merely because I feel like I am proof that you can fail at everything,
and still not feel like a failure.
I get a chance to start over every day and I get a chance to be 
the mother that my sweet little ladies deserve every single day.
I know that we are being watched over.
We are given the strength when we need it.
I pray every day that the girls will feel it also.
We aren't alone.
Our house is full of love,
and I think,
full of angels watching over us.
I imagine my Travis leading the charge.

I wonder what lessons are still coming my way?
Be kind to me kind.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

3 months

Yesterday marks 3 months without Travis.
3 months without my very best friend.

I think as time has gone on,
some days have gotten easier.
We, as a family, have gotten in a rhythm.
The girls get home from school and we do homework,
play with friends,
go to lessons...
life moves on.
And we are trying to fill it with a lot of joy.

 But some days have seemed much, much harder.
The days when the girls come home from school
feeling incredibly jealous because a friends dad came to lunch at school.
Or nights when I feel really alone,
because my partner is gone.
There are nights when I just ache to take care of him again.
I knew I'd miss waking up to give him meds and fighting side effects with him,
but I didn't think I'd miss it this much.
I want to cook his favorite dinner,
or even just want to complain about something that is driving me crazy...
something that anyone else wouldn't care about,
but Trav would have.

That being said,
those times are also a great reminder of how much
love I still have for him.
I'm glad that I married someone that I still miss so deeply. 

The girls and I have been finding old pictures of Travis,
and watching old little video clips...
and hearing his voice just makes us all so happy.
In most of the videos, it's T and I videoing the girls doing something.
You can hear him laugh in the background,
or cheer for them.
The love he has for them is pretty adorable,
even just by the tone of his voice.

I just found these gems.
I mean.
I can't even say the love I have for these precious moments!

 We spent the 3 months mark skiing.
The girls in classes,
and me with my dad.
Surrounded by the snow capped peaks,
the blue sky,
and the sun!
We are full of hope that 2014 will be a year of heeling for us.

I  realized I didn't blog about this at Christmas,
and really want to remember it in the future.

I bought myself a new wallet this year for Christmas.
In the morning as the girls were downstairs playing with their spoils,
I was emptying out my old wallet and filling my new one.

I found a pocket of notes from Travis, that I have moved from wallet to wallet over the years.
I had forgotten about them.
This one was the first one I opened.
I felt like I had a lovely gift right from Travis that morning.
It is 13 years old, but quite fitting for now-I think.

Thanks to all of you who keep remembering us in all you do.
We have been able to survive because so many have helped us smile.

Happy 2014 to everyone!