Wednesday, October 2, 2013

{Time}

I've been sitting here trying to write this post for a while....
the words aren't coming.

Trav is rapidly getting sicker.
We really thought we'd have a little more time,
but the Lord has other plans.

We met with hospice yesterday and know our time is short.

This is rough.
Our sweet girls understand what is happening as much as they can.
We have always been very honest with them,
but these conversations are incredibly hard....
and there isn't a way to make them easier.

I'm trying to find the balance between being strong for them,
and letting them see that I'm aching as they are.

I wish, so much, that things were different and that we weren't facing
all this ugliness...
but then I'm reminded that we've been facing it for years now.
I'm so tired of watching Travis ache.
We've sugar coated a lot of the past few years,
but they've been extremely hard.
I'm tired of horrible side effects and bad news, and watching him waste away.
So we are accepting this knowing that he is going somewhere
where he will be himself again.
Where he wont hurt.
 That is an extreme comfort to me, and to the ladies.

A few years ago Travis and I were able to go to Spain,
where he served his LDS mission.
He was undergoing treatments, but doing incredibly well
at the time and felt good-and looked healthy.
 We took a bus to a city he spent a lot of his time in,
Aranjuez.
He loved this city and couldn't wait to show me around.

I will never, ever forget him jumping off the bus,
holding onto the backpack,
and walking so fast I had to beg his long legs to slow down so my short ones will keep up.
He looked like a 19 year old missionary to me then.
I remember snapping this quick picture because I thought
he looked so handsome, healthy, and so full of excitement and life. 
I wish you could see the look of joy on his face.
 This picture has brought me a lot of peace the past few
weeks.
I know, without a doubt, that this youthful, healthy Travis will
welcome me and my girls into heaven.
He will probably give me a big smooch and squeeze and he will 
swing those little ladies around in the air.

I can't wait for that day.

All these days in between...those are the hard days.
I'm full of anxiety and dread over the next few weeks and the things 
that we will have to face.
I hate to think of some of the hard things the girls will have to handle.
 I wonder if I can be the parent they need.
But we will take it one day at a time.

We are so grateful to those of you who continue to support our family.
We are blessed in every aspect of our lives,
from his care, work, to our neighborhood and family.
Thank you all for getting us through this hard time.

12 comments:

Tana Downs said...

Love to you and your family.
May peace be with you all.

Tana Downs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shaunie Hansen said...

Dear Hailey,
My heart breaks for you. I know that God has a purpose for your husband in heaven. I pray for you and your family. I somewhat know how Travis feels, and how every hour and minute that passes by, you worry more about your family and how they feel than you do yourself. Love to you all, stay Travis strong. Shaunie Hansen

Jennylyn said...

Hi Haley - You may not remember me but I worked with both you and Travis at Icon way back when in Customer Service. Back when you two were starting to date, you may have even been "dating" at the time. I came across your blog and have been checking in from time to time. I have been amazed at your strength and grace through all your struggles. My heart breaks for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with your family through these hard but precious times. May you find peaace in knowing Travis will be and is in good hands and those hands are wrapped around you can lovely girls also.

Tami said...

You are simply an angel. Your strength is inspiring and your willingness to share your heartbreak with us shows us that it is ok to human. Travis and your girls are so blessed to have you by their side. We are praying for you to have the support you will need when Travis moves forward, we pray for Travis to be able to be aware so he can take in all the love you are giving to him, we pray that his pain is manageable during this, and we pray for your girls - that their memories of how wonderful their father is will remain strong, that they will know of his love for them, and that they recognize the amazing mother they were given. Sending our prayers to you!

Tami said...

You are simply an angel. Your strength is inspiring and your willingness to share your heartbreak with us shows us that it is ok to human. Travis and your girls are so blessed to have you by their side. We are praying for you to have the support you will need when Travis moves forward, we pray for Travis to be able to be aware so he can take in all the love you are giving to him, we pray that his pain is manageable during this, and we pray for your girls - that their memories of how wonderful their father is will remain strong, that they will know of his love for them, and that they recognize the amazing mother they were given. Sending our prayers to you!

Mortons Love said...

You are all beyond the bravest people that I know! It's hard to explain how I feel. (you're thinking: TELL ME ABOUT IT!, right?)

To be asked to live this life of yours has got to be the hardest battle to be asked to face.

I wish so badly that you didn't have to.

You do it with so much beauty and grace, it is astonishing!

I'll always remember how sweet Travis was to you in those early days. He loved (loves) you so much! Bringing you those Ben & Jerry's Ice creams and mysteriously leaving them on your desk! He's just the best of people!

We will continue to pray daily for all of you! I'll pray that the arms of angels will hold you up through the end and beyond!

XOXO

Becca said...

Beautiful words.....praying for Travis and you.

Becca said...

Beautiful words....prayers and hugs.

Becca said...

Can't sleep.....thinking And worrying about you. You are so loved by so many.

Tana Lee Draper said...

You are your ladies are in my heart

Tana Lee Draper said...

You and your ladies are in my heart