How are we doing?

I get this question a lot.

The answer is always the same....

"it depends on the second."

And that's the truth.

 This house is full of girls who ALL

grieve differently.

 I feel like I'm running an obstacle course each day

trying to figure out who needs what and how to help.

And because I'm SO incredibly busy,

(my to-do lists grow longer every day....I never knew how much crap 

there was to deal with after someone passes away.  But that is a different post!)

I forget that I'm sad....

until I'm not busy and then it slaps me in the face a bit.

The other day I finally had a minute to myself and went

to call my sister,

and my fingers just automatically called Trav's work number.

Slap.

Or the other day when Adyson said,

"Mom, during the funeral, as I was up singing,

I saw Grandpa hug Grandma, and Cody (my brother)-hugging Amy, 

and Jody hugging Heather (My sister)-

and no one was hugging you.  Who is gonna hug you now?"

Slap. Slap.

And honestly,

and oddly,

and kinda funnily...

is that the worst is when I find a new recipe I can't wait 

to cook and think-

'I wonder if T will like this?'

Or today when I read an article on an ex Aggie player

and I thought

'Trav is gonna love this!'

Slap. Slap.

The very worst of it was yesterday when I 

charged Trav's cell phone so I could make sure to get all

of his pictures and videos off of it.

It beeped with text messages from Sienna that simply said,

"I love you."

They were sent just hours before I charged it.

Punch.

That one hurt.

 These moments happen quite often.

I miss his sarcasm and wit.

I miss ESPN being on in the background.

(Never thought that could happen, but I do miss it.)

I miss his voice.

Even when I felt horrible and worried in the past,

as soon as I heard his voice I felt ok.

I loved his voice.

But the very worst part of all of this,

is seeing my girls miss him and ache too.

I really want them to remember every amazing detail about him.

I will not pretend Trav was perfect,

but he was pretty darn close.

Travis is patient, caring, loving, and supportive.

That man didn't miss a game/dance recital/ or special event.

And he really loves me and they got to see that in his actions.

I want them to remember that example.

 I just wish that we wouldn't have so much 

forgetting time before we see him again.

 Today I had a few meetings and I made my parents tag along.

During one of them my dad made the comment about me being 

a 'single lady.'

First, I'm immature enough that I instantly laughed and heard Beyonce in my head.

But really.

 (Your singing it now too, right?)

But I still can't believe that this is my life.

I am a widow.

A single lady.

And my sweet kids lives are 'one parent' kids.

That being said,

I do know that the face slaps will become less,

and that we can get through this as a little family.

Were doing it day by day and second by second.