Tuesday, October 22, 2013

How are we doing?

I get this question a lot.

The answer is always the same....
"it depends on the second."

And that's the truth.
 This house is full of girls who ALL
grieve differently.
 I feel like I'm running an obstacle course each day
trying to figure out who needs what and how to help.

And because I'm SO incredibly busy,
(my to-do lists grow longer every day....I never knew how much crap 
there was to deal with after someone passes away.  But that is a different post!)
I forget that I'm sad....
until I'm not busy and then it slaps me in the face a bit.

The other day I finally had a minute to myself and went
to call my sister,
and my fingers just automatically called Trav's work number.


Or the other day when Adyson said,
"Mom, during the funeral, as I was up singing,
I saw Grandpa hug Grandma, and Cody (my brother)-hugging Amy, 
and Jody hugging Heather (My sister)-
and no one was hugging you.  Who is gonna hug you now?"

Slap. Slap.

And honestly,
and oddly,
and kinda funnily...
is that the worst is when I find a new recipe I can't wait 
to cook and think-
'I wonder if T will like this?'
Or today when I read an article on an ex Aggie player
and I thought
'Trav is gonna love this!'

Slap. Slap.

The very worst of it was yesterday when I 
charged Trav's cell phone so I could make sure to get all
of his pictures and videos off of it.
It beeped with text messages from Sienna that simply said,
"I love you."
They were sent just hours before I charged it.


That one hurt.

 These moments happen quite often.
I miss his sarcasm and wit.
I miss ESPN being on in the background.
(Never thought that could happen, but I do miss it.)
I miss his voice.
Even when I felt horrible and worried in the past,
as soon as I heard his voice I felt ok.
I loved his voice.
But the very worst part of all of this,
is seeing my girls miss him and ache too.

I really want them to remember every amazing detail about him.
I will not pretend Trav was perfect,
but he was pretty darn close.
Travis is patient, caring, loving, and supportive.
That man didn't miss a game/dance recital/ or special event.
And he really loves me and they got to see that in his actions.
I want them to remember that example.
 I just wish that we wouldn't have so much 
forgetting time before we see him again.

 Today I had a few meetings and I made my parents tag along.
During one of them my dad made the comment about me being 
a 'single lady.'

First, I'm immature enough that I instantly laughed and heard Beyonce in my head.

But really.
 (Your singing it now too, right?)

But I still can't believe that this is my life.
I am a widow.
A single lady.
And my sweet kids lives are 'one parent' kids.

That being said,
I do know that the face slaps will become less,
and that we can get through this as a little family.
Were doing it day by day and second by second.


Mortons Love said...

Well, most of us can only imagine what that feels like. My imagination tells me it's really, really, really hard. Which means times that by 100 and I might have it!

So sorry, you have all those "slaps" to deal with!

If the girls are going to be "one-parent" girls, it's a pretty good thing they have such a good one!

Hang in there, if that is possible!


Katie Gibbons said...

We've never met, but my son is good friends with your niece, Breje. I was very touched by your post--please know that your family is in our prayers!

Trish Creppon said...


Trish Creppon said...

Hugs and prayers sent to all three of you!

Darin and Joanna said...

Hayley, I think about you and your cute little girls a lot. What a hard and stinky trial you have been asked to bare. You are amazing and i am so impressed with your ability to move forward and help your girls find things to bring "joy" into their lives. You are an amazing mom and your girls are so lucky to have you! Darin lost his dad when he was five, leaving his mom to raise him and his four older siblings. I wont lie and say it was easy for him to grow up without a dad or for his mom to be alone, but she too was an amazing woman and taught her kids to strive to be better so they could be with their dad again someday. I think you will be just as awesome!! I do remember in high school never wanting to do anything i shouldnt with Darin cause i was sure his dad accompanied us on all of our dates! ;-) Your girls will have extra protection as they grow because they will have two Fathers in heaven watching down on them!

Cindy said...

I posted a while back, I knew Travis at USU, and served in the same mission. I just wanted to share my condolences with you. I've followed your blog, and I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Travis was a great guy. You and your beautiful daughters are in my prayers.
Cindy Mason

Jo said...

I went to college with Travis. I'm so so sorry. I hate this for you. It just brings tears to my eyes. God be with you..