Thursday, December 4, 2008

Thank you.

Where do I begin? Bear with me, I have a point. I'll get there eventually.

Next Thursday marks 1 year since Trav's cancer has returned. For the last week it's all I've been able to think about. I've been trying to think of ways to celebrate one more year of life for Travis. And I think he should be awfully proud of himself. He drags himself into the Cancer center week after week, and his body is tired. I wish I could express how thankful I am to him for doing it with such an amazing spirit.

I love him.

Today travis has a treatment, and then afterward set up his scan for Monday. And I've been a bag of tears all day long. I'm terrified. Last year at this time, the news was not good. I really need it to be good!! I've been running on empty for the last few days, and have felt blue and nervous all at the same time. You'd think that we would be use to this, but I'm not.

I had a big church party tonight for my calling in the ward. It's taken a lot of work, and I've stayed up hours to late each night trying to get myself organized. I don't think I've ever felt so worn out, physically and emotionally. I got home around 9:00, put my jammies on, and sat around in my messy house not wanting to move. Feeling a bit empty inside.

And then a dear friend came over to drop off a very generous gift for us, and I wish there was some way to say thank you. Cancer makes every aspect of life hard. We wonder daily how long his treatments will last. We pray nightly that "daddy will get better". We hope. We cry a lot, still, even after a year. We get angry. We pay medical bills. Travis feels tired. I worry. And through all the bad stuff, we are always looking for the good stuff. And it seems that most of the time we can find it in bulk. Most of the time we are thankful for the little things we have. We realize how lucky we are that we have a beautiful home, and two overly happy little girls. But today was one of those days for me, when all I could see was the bad. This gift touched my heart more than I will ever be able to say. It made me remember how blessed we are, how loved we are, and how many people are there to support us. Once again, our home was full of Christmas spirit tonight, and my heart was softened. I still can't hold in the tears.

Thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you! You will never know how much you have helped, and could not have picked a better day to remind me how loved we are. I don't feel that this is Thank you enough, but I hope you all know how much it meant to us. There should be more people like you in this world.

Thank you.


Watkins said...

Sweet Hayley, I know the uncertainty and fear that you are expressing. I wish I could take all that away from you. I know I can't, but I can express to you how amazing I think you are. The way you and Travis handle all that you are experiencing is so inspiring. You continue to be in our prayers and our thoughts. We send our love.

Trisha said...

Your friend sounds amazing...I thank that person too.

Jenni said...

I know the anxiety of scans, Hayley. My mom's scan in the 15th and I find myself so mad the scan has to be before Christmas, there seems to be heavy anxiety hanging over your heart, when this season should only be peaceful. I sincerely hope all is well for you guys!!