Monday, March 31, 2014

The stages

Last week I spent the week in California with some of my girlfriends.
I was surrounded by people who I adore,
and who seem to really like me most of the time...

I was also surrounded by the glorious, beautiful ocean.
And the sun!
And even spent a day at Disneyland.
The absolute happiest place on Earth..
depending on who you are...
(I'm talking to you: Julie Redd).

One night on the way back to our hotel we stopped by the Newport Temple.
It was dusk.
The sun was setting, and it was cooling down.
And the sunset had a lovely shade of orange.
It was very peaceful and very quiet-with only one other couple there.

As soon as I stepped out of the car I felt incredibly lonely.

I was surrounded by a lot of love,
but man,
there really aren't any words to express how much my heart ached right then.
I kept my sunglasses on while I did my best to hide the tears.

For some reason,
that moment was a big one for me.

I accepted months ago that my life with Travis was over.
That he is gone, and that I have to figure things out without him.

But that moment,
it really hit me hard.
And Eternity felt (and feels) very, very, very far away.

It's spring break for my kids this week.
We obviously don't have big plans because we took our vacation last month,
but tonight they are off at a friends having a sleepover.

Months ago I would have reveled in the quiet.
Trav and I would have enjoyed each other and probably watched
whatever our hearts desired-
and I would have had him to take care of.

But being here alone:
I just miss them.
And I really hate the quiet, and the loneliness that comes my way.
I do not want to be a mom that suffocates her kids,
or expects them to be her happiness...
I really have to constantly remind myself that they need to have 
the most regular life they can,
and I wont hold them back.
But I do miss them, and once again, I find myself missing my old life immensely.

There are times that I'm in awe that we've made it almost 6 months without him.
And then there are times that I'm fairly certain I can't go through another day.

I've read about the 'steps of grief' that everyone is supposed to experience,
and I really don't see myself anywhere on that chart.
And I don't think I've gone through a lot of this...
which makes me wonder if i will?
If I did sometime during our cancer journey-making this happen before he actually passed?
Or maybe I did got through it and didn't see it?

But either way---

-I certainly am not in denial, though at times I kinda wish I was.
-I'm not angry. Sad? Yes. Angry? No.

-I'm not bargaining.  I have always felt, and still maintain that we did all we could-
and I'll just say it.  I was a pretty awesome caregiver.

-I am not depressed.  I may seem like it when I blog,
because I vent my heart out here.
But my life is still very full and happy.
And the happy days outweigh the sad ones.
And I even cook dinner sometimes,
and am trying to run again,
and I do my hair most days!

-And I've accepted this life.
I've accepted all the curve balls that have been thrown my way.
I truly believe that the Lord has a plan for all of us,
and I fully believe that we are doing all we can to make the best of it all.
And I've accepted that my love is gone.
I don't like it.
But I've accepted it.

 A friend sent this my way the other day and it spoke to me.

When I look at it this way,
I'm reminded that I'm one of the lucky ones.
I am so blessed to have someone I miss this much.
And I bet he's missing me and the ladies too...
for some reason that comforts me an awful lot!

We are still surviving and doing our best around here.
As always,
I'm incredibly thankful to the friends and family members who constantly take care of me.
I'm thankful to the parents who help their children understand how to help my kids,
and who have gone out of their way to make sure we are all happy.
I am beyond blessed.
And always so thankful.

2 comments:

Linda Smith said...

Beautiful.
I was fighting against a cancer stage 4 .I think it is very important that family support to win, because i was very weak;really helped me participate in one group affected by cancer, so my mood improved, also helped me a lot a medical adviser in treatment-lung-cancer-stage-4.com (they are doctors),this is important .I recomended not surrender, because sometimes the first treatment does not work as me, and sometimes change doctors it is necessary.Read positive thinking books gave me more energy.During my cancer,i changed my diet,now i eat vegetarian organic food(now i not eat meat).I think is a set of things that help me.
Xoxo
Linda

Mortons Love said...

You were for sure lucky to have Travis! You guys were so great together. I guess that's partly what makes missing him so so hard. Dang! I'm sorry, friend!