Tuesday, March 4, 2014

{An open Letter to T}

This blog has turned into a complete outlet for my grief.  In speaking with lots of my new found widow friends, I'm learning we all do it our own way.  Some of us hide, some of us move on quickly, others never want to.  Some write, some run, some paint, some haven't figured out what will help them yet.  Writing, it turns out, helps me.  (Also eating a sad amount of chocolate and peanut butter and taking a nap every day).  I don't think there is a wrong way, or a right way to do this.  I think it's just gotta be your way.  If you find this too open, or to vocal...you don't have to read it.  And if you think it's strange that I'm blogging an open letter to my T, well, it is a little, but it sure felt good to write.  Read on knowing that I haven't lost my marbles (completely) and I'm aware that this letter was more for me, then anyone else.

Dear Travis,

Well, first....I feel like you should know that I still really miss you.  That, I don't think, will ever change.  I'm getting used to not having you here.  That, in itself, is a double edged sword.  It's nice not aching constantly...but man, the fact that I'm used to it really is the pits. (Remember how my grandma loved to say things were "the pits"?  I bet you are hanging with her now.  I miss her.  Give her a love from me.)  Back to being used to you being gone makes me feel real sad and glad all at once.  I don't want to forget us.  We had some pretty fabulous times, and I'm currently undecided whether it was better to ache constantly, then to be used to you being gone-and forget our goodness.  I guess I'll keep you posted on that.

We went to Disneyland.  Without you.  That was strange....  The first night we walked into the big store downtown to shop.  I felt pretty empty not having you there, but the girls seemed ok.   Adyson acted real stressed out about what surprise she would bring home.  She stewed and stewed till there were actual tears.  Sometimes I forget that this is how she handles stress...she can do the big stuff pretty good.  Like you being gone.  She's amazing and strong and such a trooper.  But the choice: if she should get Minnie's Mouses house or the pillow pet brought tears.  We left the store with me being mad at her and her crying.  A few minutes later I looked at her to scold her and she just said "It's just not the same being her without him."  (You are the him.)  And then Sienna told me that just walking in the store gave her a tummy ache.  (Tummy ache=anxiety for Roo.)  We stood there under the tree, just a few feet away from our happy place, and we all cried a little.  Not for long, just a few tears, and then we decided you'd want us to smile.  And we did have some great laughs!  Grandma, Sue and Linsey kept us smiling and eating our way through the park.  I'm still full!  We talked about you a lot and I can't tell you how good it was for me to spend a week straight just being the fun mom, instead of good cop and bad cop all in one.  Adyson finally got brave enough for Soarin' and couldn't get enough of it.  That girl, she's braver then she thinks.  Roo isn't scared to try anything.  Except for the salmon I cooked for dinner tonight but that's a whole different story.  Coming home to a quiet house again is hard.  I hate not having you here.

What else?

The girls are thriving.  They really are.  They are scoring top marks in class and both smile more then frown.  That makes me incredibly happy and it helps me feel like I am sorta doing an okayish job as a single mom.  Oh and you should see them ski!  It's so beautiful to see them learn something new.  I can't wait to see where this world will take them.

Oh!  Big news.  We finally got to meet the mother on 'How I met your Mother.'  She's cute and doe eyed and worth the years of the wait.   I think they are gonna have her die on the finale, just like we thought.   (What do you bet she has cancer?  What a kick in the arse that will be.)  I was sad you never got to see her.  I know you don't care...but still, made me sad.   And guess who's back on 'The Amazing Race'....the Utah dad and son.  The girls and I are rooting for them!

I have to get taxes done this week.  Um...add this to the list of crap I hate doing without you.  I took for granted that you just did it all.  Thank you for that.  I don't think I do it as gracefully as you did.  I also hate changing light bulbs, running to the store for that one random ingredient I forgot.  I also miss your mad computer skills...the computer is doing some strange things and I don't even know where to start!  I loved your computer nerd skills.  I loved your computer nerdiness in general.

I'm trying to force myself to really try to take care of me again.  I'm trying to run. (Failing, but trying).  I'm skiing again.  That is good for me!  The sun and the blue skies are just what I need.  I'm forcing the kids to do jobs around the house and to be helpers.  It's good for them to be self reliant and I just can't do it all.  My friends and family is taking good care of me.  And the great neighbors too.  I'm working on being better.  I get mad if people give me special treatment, but then I get mad when I'm treated just like nothing ever happened....I'm a bit of a mess sometimes, but you were married to me so you know how crazy I can be.  I'm working on it and trying to figure out a good balance.  And I think it's ok that I'm a bit nuts.  I am a widow, after all.

Anyhow, we are surviving.  That's really about all I can say when people ask.  We have really bad moments, and really good ones too.  I try to smile and be strong for the girls but sometimes it's all pretty fake.  Remember me telling you the beauty school saying 'fake it till you make it'?  Well, that's how I feel.  I'm hoping making it happens sooner, rather then later.  I miss texting you during the day and telling you the many, many random things that have happened throughout the day.  I miss you laying on the couch with your socks hanging half off your feet.  I loved how you did that. I miss cooking for you!  The girls complain mostly and the cookies never get eaten all gone.  I made soft pretzels (our favorite Sunday treat) the other day for the first time since you passed.  We had leftovers and I had to give them to the neighbors.  I hated eating mine all alone without you here telling me how delicious they are.  Plus, I was tempted to eat yours!  (Okay fine, I ate yours.)  I miss your laugh.  I miss knowing that someone else loved the kids as much as me.  It's hard being that parent...the only one who wants whats best and who has to make sure they survive and thrive.  That part is the very worst.  When I think of them not having you here.  I hate it for them even more then I hate it for myself.

There are a million small things every single day that I want to tell you.  Things I know you'd roll your eyes at, or laugh at....and for sure have a really sarcastic comment to add to mine.  I hate that I can't tell you our small successes or our failures.  I hate that you can't help me figure out the best way to sort our finances, where you kept our last tax return, and I hate that I am so behind on the Aggie games.  I never remember to look to see when they play or if they won.  I miss you just doing that for me.  (And I miss your loud clap too!)  I hate that I am already forgetting a lot about us, and you.  I do know that I wont ever forget how good we had it.  I promise you that. 

I still love you.  Still miss you.  And still am grateful for you and your lasting love for our little ladies.

Can't wait till we meet again-I plan on squeezing the crap out of you and not even worrying about your rib.  I really, really can't wait for that day.  


Jenbow said...

Literally the cutest thing I've ever read, in the saddest way. BAWLED my eyes out. I think you should always write, you are the best! Hang in there supermomma! I'm sure Travis is proud!

tuffsj said...

Hayley...you are amazing! You are doing so good....better than I would have in your situation. I am so proud of you..LOVE you so much.

tuffsj said...

Hayley...you are amazing! You are doing so good....better than I would have in your situation. I am so proud of you..LOVE you so much.

Trisha said...

Love that your writing helps you. Please know that it helps us too. Hope you liked the bread I left you!