Monday, April 28, 2014

6 Months

6 months and counting...

Over half a year has come and gone.
No words for how odd that seems.

I still pull out my phone to text him at least once a day.
And the other day I randomly grabbed his favorite Gatorade at the store....

I know at some point this will stop.

Our life has changed in so many ways since Travis passed away.
I truly wonder if I could see our old life again,
would I even remember what it was like?

For a long time the thought of forgetting Travis made me physically ill.
The thought of forgetting the good stuff...
our really happy moments still makes my heart ache.
I wish I could remember every silly moment,
every movie night,
every date,
and every lazy morning....I hate that I already have forgotten a lot.

But I feel incredibly sure that there are things I will never forget.

I wont forget the little hazel flecks in his green eyes.
I wont forget the way his head would roll back when I'd rub his neck,
or even the little mole that was right near his shirt collar.
I wont forget the feel of his hands.
I wont forget holding them while I drive...I loved that.
I can easily recall the feel of his hair,
see his long toes clearly in my head,
and I can visualize the way he looked at me when he was teasing me.

And I still remember his voice.

The girls each have stuffed bears with a recorded message from T on them.
Now and then I'll accidentally bump one and when I hear his voice my heart drops.
I miss his voice most of all.

I'd like a recording that says
"Hayley, I love you.  You are doing great.  Those pants make you look thin...
and I miss you."

But hey....I'll settle for memories, I guess.

So 6 months down and I have a clear picture of my husband in my head,
and I can't imagine that ever leaving me.

I haven't written a lot about how the girls are doing.
I feel completely fine venting my aches and pain on the blog,
but I don't feel okay about showing the world their story,
because it's not mine to tell.

I will say that this is harder then I ever imagined for them,
and I wish there was a manual that could tell me exactly what to say,
and what to do to help.

They are doing this differently, the two of them.
They are amazingly strong, and seem to pick me up more then I do them,
and for that,
I am beyond grateful.

I will say that they have changed, each in their own way,
and we are doing our best to make sure that they find the light that they have always had.
Being in grade school they are fighting to survive with
 kids who have no clue what their life is like.
6 months is a life time for little kids,
so to them,
it seems like our life should be normal by now.
(In fact, I'm fairly certain a lot of adults think the same thing about me...
but I can ignore that really easily!)
They've been told that they are 
"popular because their dad died"...
and a few kids have talked to them
about their dad being "buried in the ground."
and have had a few other instances that have really hurt....

They come home and mama bear wants to go and kick these little kids in the shins!
(I haven't...but the thought has crossed my mind!)

But then there are kids who are so kind and thoughtful.
Kids who can just tell when one of them is feeling sad,
so they write a nice note or give a giant hug.
Sienna even got this darling picture in her birthday book.
I just adore this kid...even though I have no idea who he is.

The girls though,
have more good days then bad.
I think they are taking steps every day towards happiness,
and normalcy.
I am learning the best ways to help them,
and each day I'm forcing them to step outside of their new comfort zone and help it expand
a bit.
Day by day we are getting there.

Be patient with them.
Try to remember how uprooted they've been.

So half a year.

I miss him terribly.
I miss the big things that are pretty obvious...

But I really miss the small stuff too....
I miss not always being good cop and bad cop.
I'd kill for someone else to put them to bed sometimes.
And for someone to quickly run to the grocery store to grab that one thing I forgot...
I'd be happy if someone else could make decisions about the finances,
and I'd love for someone to remind me about oil changes.
I would love for my kids to be able to go out and practice soccer and basketball
with someone who could actually help them.
And I wouldn't hate a night where sad thoughts didn't creep into someones brain...

But we've done it now for half a year,
and I guess we will shoot for another 6 months and see where we are at. :)
I'm pretty grateful we have made it this far.
And I'm incredibly thankful to those of you who have helped us get this far.

Friday is Trav's birthday.
We are meeting at the cemetery at 6:30 for a quick balloon release...
if any of our friends want to come and join us,
bring an orange balloon and let me know you are coming.  We've made
some lovely tags to go on the balloons and I will send some your way.
It will be very short and sweet,
but we couldn't let the day go by without making sure his life is celebrated.

1 comment:

Zac said...

Happy Birthday Trav! Thinking of you and your family.