Friday, December 27, 2013


Christmas, without Travis.

The past month people kept saying,
"I'm so sorry that you have to do the Holiday's without Travis"
"This Christmas will be tough..."

I really didn't agree.
Not that I thought it would be easy,
but the month leading up to Christmas was enjoyable- and busy.
Busy-when your grieving, is good.
I had a reason
to cook,
to shop,
to decorate.

I really thought that yes, the Holidays will be hard,
but it's when 'real life' beings again, that things will be tough.

turns out,
Christmas was much, much harder then I anticipated.

Christmas Eve day I cleaned the house and got all ready for us to be able to enjoy
the next few days.
I shopped for a few last minute things and took the girls to lunch and
felt pretty excited and surprisingly happy.
And then I went to fill the car up with gas for the ride to his
parents home in Treemonton,
and it really hit me.

I was making the drive,
on Christmas Eve,
without Travis.

It was a very long ride.
My heart just hurt.
I wanted him there to hold my hand.
I wanted to scratch his neck as he drove.
I wanted to feel the excitement with my kids-and with my Travis.
And it felt very unfair that I couldn't.

But we made it,
and once we got there,
we were able to enjoy the night.
It wasn't the same without him,
and I realize that I will probably never get used to it.
I hate not having my partner.
(I kinda want to stomp my foot like a child...but I am refraining...for now.)

We went to Treemonton early this year so we wouldn't have to drive
home in the super dark, and so we could watch a movie and have some family time..
but I didn't really think ahead.
We had no food...and no where was open!
So we came home and the girls ate ice cream....
(mother of the year?)
and we watched a movie and they went to bed.

And I did Christmas.
And again,
I hated,
doing it without Travis.
And truth be told, 
the past 2 years he hasn't been much help.
I'd still have to wrap it all,
and get it all ready,
but he would have been there.
That would have been enough.
(I say that, but I do know in my heart that if he were here this year,
he would have been incredibly weak, and tired and sick, and it still wouldn't have
been the Christmas' of our past...I know that.  I do.)
 But still, it hurt.

I got all done,
and looked up at our lonely stockings and just felt sad.
 Next year I will find some way to fill his stocking with something special,
because it was really hard to see it hanging there.
(And I will just have to fill mine too! Darn!)

The girls though,
they had a wonderful Christmas.
And that is what is really important.
We made it.
And we made a lot of memories on the way.
I will know what to work on for next year to make it easier on all of us.

New Years Eve is coming.
And it's really hard to think of entering a new year without him.
He was my whole 2013...
and it's very strange to think he wont be here with me (in body) in 2014.
It's so know?

 So I'm setting a lot of goals for 2014,
and I am not going to fail.
I have every reason to work on myself, and to make our home what it should be,
and I'm gonna try really hard to fill it with goodness and joy.

I know that this post sounds like such a downer...
but it's honest at least.
And I know that we will get through this.
Thank you to all of you who helped to make our Christmas Season special.
We got lots of lovely gifts, cards, and messages sent our way and it really helped us
get through it.
I hope in years to come,
I can do it a bit more gracefully!
But this year,
I'm just proud to have survived!
Happy Holidays to all of our loved ones.
Our Travis Trees
Green ornaments:
(his favorite color)
Aggie blue ornaments.
Orange ornaments:
(our fighting color)
An Aggie flag.
Aggie golf balls.
Masters Golf ball.
A few personalized ornaments.
And Lots of memories through pics.
I love these trees!

Sunday, December 15, 2013

I've received so many emails questioning how we are
doing...and I know we have so many people thinking of us 
and wanting to know if we are surviving....
but whenever I start a post,
they end up sounding very sad.

And yes,
I am very sad.
But I'm also surviving and smiling and laughing.
 It's a complete mixture of every emotion most days,
and I guess that's how it should be.
Right now,
the hardest part is that for everyone else,
life is just normal again.
Even our closest family and friends have a semi normal routine back.
(That's not to say they don't miss him terribly,
but the reminder of how much our life has changed isn't around every corner for everyone else.)
 For me,
that reality is everywhere.
It's there when I wake up to get the kids ready in the morning
and I don't have to shush them because Trav's asleep.
It's there when another friend talks about their Dad during carpool,
and I see the tinge of jealousy in my kids' faces.
It's there when my kids have recitals and concerts and Trav can't be there to cheer them on.
It's there even with the simple things,
like planning my menu for the week or watching "The Amazing Race" alone.
It's there when I realize that when I lost him,
I lost our "couple friends" and date nights.
It's there when the weekend comes.
I hate the weekends.
I'm sure over time,
I will love them again....
but right now,
they just hurt.
I miss us snuggling by the fire before bed on Friday night.
And I miss our Saturday lunch date with the girls.
And I miss sitting by him during church so much that I just ache.
Missing him is everywhere.
On the same token,
I'm also very grateful that everywhere I turn,
there are pieces of him to miss.
It's a very good reminder that while he was here,
he was our whole world.
We made it count,
and that really pleases me.
We have a lot of really good memories to thrive one.
 And when I remember what the last year of our life together
was like,
I know that we can get through this.
I love knowing that Travis is pain free.
I hated watching him suffer,
and know that this is what was best for him.
So it's Sunday night,
and tomorrow we will begin a crazy busy week again.
I will ruffle feathers and smooth them over again about 100 times.
 I will pray for patience time and time again.
I will stew over my kids when they are upset,
and laugh when they are feeling extra carefree
and we will continue to take it one day at a time.
Thank goodness for my resilient kids.
They have been true champions this past few months
and are adjusting to our new life as well as can be expected.
We plan on making new traditions this Christmas and savoring every memory we can.  
We plan on eating too much--spoiling each other--and remembering Our Savior who
made it possible for us to live again.  It seems a very good time for us to be able to focus on that.
Thank you to all who have went to extra effort to take care of us
and make sure we are smiling more then frowning.
We have been blessed because of others countless times
and hope that you all have a very
Merry Christmas as well.