Crappy Cancer

I've received so many emails questioning how we are

doing...and I know we have so many people thinking of us 

and wanting to know if we are surviving....

but whenever I start a post,

they end up sounding very sad.

And yes,

I am very sad.

But I'm also surviving and smiling and laughing.

 It's a complete mixture of every emotion most days,

and I guess that's how it should be.

 

Right now,

the hardest part is that for everyone else,

life is just normal again.

Even our closest family and friends have a semi normal routine back.

(That's not to say they don't miss him terribly,

but the reminder of how much our life has changed isn't around every corner for everyone else.)

 For me,

that reality is everywhere.

 

It's there when I wake up to get the kids ready in the morning

and I don't have to shush them because Trav's asleep.

It's there when another friend talks about their Dad during carpool,

and I see the tinge of jealousy in my kids' faces.

It's there when my kids have recitals and concerts and Trav can't be there to cheer them on.

It's there even with the simple things,

like planning my menu for the week or watching "The Amazing Race" alone.

It's there when I realize that when I lost him,

I lost our "couple friends" and date nights.

It's there when the weekend comes.

I hate the weekends.

I'm sure over time,

I will love them again....

but right now,

they just hurt.

 

I miss us snuggling by the fire before bed on Friday night.

And I miss our Saturday lunch date with the girls.

And I miss sitting by him during church so much that I just ache.

 

Missing him is everywhere.

 

On the same token,

I'm also very grateful that everywhere I turn,

there are pieces of him to miss.

It's a very good reminder that while he was here,

he was our whole world.

We made it count,

and that really pleases me.

We have a lot of really good memories to thrive one.

 And when I remember what the last year of our life together

was like,

I know that we can get through this.

I love knowing that Travis is pain free.

I hated watching him suffer,

and know that this is what was best for him.

 

So it's Sunday night,

and tomorrow we will begin a crazy busy week again.

I will ruffle feathers and smooth them over again about 100 times.

Daily.

 I will pray for patience time and time again.

I will stew over my kids when they are upset,

and laugh when they are feeling extra carefree

and we will continue to take it one day at a time.

Thank goodness for my resilient kids.

They have been true champions this past few months

and are adjusting to our new life as well as can be expected.

 

We plan on making new traditions this Christmas and savoring every memory we can.  

We plan on eating too much--spoiling each other--and remembering Our Savior who

made it possible for us to live again.  It seems a very good time for us to be able to focus on that.

 

Thank you to all who have went to extra effort to take care of us

and make sure we are smiling more then frowning.

We have been blessed because of others countless times

and hope that you all have a very

Merry Christmas as well.