Tuesday, November 19, 2013

{Feeling Heavy}

Just after Travis passed away I felt such a huge amount of relief.
The last few weeks leading up to his death were pretty horrible.
I was ready for us to begin to heal.
I was ready to do some of the hard work-it felt like my turn-he'd done his time.
 
So for that first month, I went full force.
I planned the funeral,
 cleaned the house.
I figured out every bill-
my health insurance,
and the many...many....many...many details that need tending to when someone passes.
I took the girls shopping.
Let them play with friends.
Made sure they weren't missing out on anything.
My friends would bombard me at night and stay till much past our bedtimes.
I felt light.
It had just been so hard for so long-and I knew this was better for him,
so I felt light.
This past week, 
that light feeling has gone and at times it feels like someone is squeezing my heart.

That husband of mine.
He is missed so deeply and profoundly.
The other day my sweet Roo told me she can only remember Travis being sick,
and she can't remember any fun memories.
I had a hard time with this,
because I feel the same way.
Those recent memories are so fresh.
And many of the things that transpired the week of his death,
I'd be so happy to forget.
I wish we could get some of the older memories to feel so close to the surface!
I was so glad to be able to tell her that I completely understand,
and now I'm really focused on making sure we have those memories somewhere tangible.

We have a beautiful DVD of pictures of us as a family.
Photos all around the house.
Ive made the girls each beautiful books with pictures of them and their Dad.
When I look at it,
I am so grateful that I married someone who was such a great father.
Some of these pictures,
taken years ago before the cancer really took his toll,
they take my breath away and just make me hurt inside.
It's a love/hate thing.
I love to see him looking so healthy and happy,
but man-I miss seeing him like that-full of life and joy.

 He loves those girls.
He couldn't possibly have loved them more.
And I really feel like as we look at the happy memories,
they will become more vivid to us.
I sure hope so anyways.

Today as I was cleaning out our filing cabinent,
I came across the journal Trav kept when we were dating.
I can't tell you what a joy that was for me to read.
I just laughed and cried the entire way through.
A beautiful reminder that he really, really loved me.
He was smitten.
That death wont change that.
Nor will our time apart.
This is a treasure-and an answer to my prayers.

We are still doing ok.
We are learning the ropes of how to manage just being the 3 of us.
And I think for the most part,
we are grieving in a healthy way.
We are still making lots of memories,
and laughing together,
and crying together when we need to.
I thought I'd post his beautiful headstone that was put in this week.
The ladies helped me deck it out for Christmas.
Thanks to all of you who continue to pray for us,
and who have been here every step of the way.
I am so incredibly grateful to be taken care of like I always am.


4 comments:

Mortons Love said...

That journal sounds positively priceless! So glad he wrote it, what a guy!

Continually praying for all of you!!

XOXO

Trisha said...

I love your courage. You astound me! Loves always.

Kathy said...

Hi Hayley,

I have followed your story. I'm so sorry for your loss. Having gone through this loss myself, I can tell you that everything you are feeling is normal. Now for me, 25 years later, I still have moments of profound lonliness and longing for my sweet husband.

I'm so glad that your girls are old enough to remember their dad. None of my girls were. I would say to you relish those memories both good and bad and draw strength from them. On your low days remember what Trav went through and your lot won't seem so bad.

I know it's hard and your upcoming year will be the hardest. The first of each holiday can be overwhelming. The best thing we did was look for others to serve and we then could forget our own problems.

Be strong and stay close to the Lord. He is always there and He understands.

Love to you and your girls,

Kathy Fortie

Kathy said...

Hi Hayley,

I have followed your story. I'm so sorry for your loss. Having gone through this loss myself, I can tell you that everything you are feeling is normal. Now for me, 25 years later, I still have moments of profound lonliness and longing for my sweet husband.

I'm so glad that your girls are old enough to remember their dad. None of my girls were. I would say to you relish those memories both good and bad and draw strength from them. On your low days remember what Trav went through and your lot won't seem so bad.

I know it's hard and your upcoming year will be the hardest. The first of each holiday can be overwhelming. The best thing we did was look for others to serve and we then could forget our own problems.

Be strong and stay close to the Lord. He is always there and He understands.

Love to you and your girls,

Kathy Fortie