Friday, December 27, 2013


Christmas, without Travis.

The past month people kept saying,
"I'm so sorry that you have to do the Holiday's without Travis"
"This Christmas will be tough..."

I really didn't agree.
Not that I thought it would be easy,
but the month leading up to Christmas was enjoyable- and busy.
Busy-when your grieving, is good.
I had a reason
to cook,
to shop,
to decorate.

I really thought that yes, the Holidays will be hard,
but it's when 'real life' beings again, that things will be tough.

turns out,
Christmas was much, much harder then I anticipated.

Christmas Eve day I cleaned the house and got all ready for us to be able to enjoy
the next few days.
I shopped for a few last minute things and took the girls to lunch and
felt pretty excited and surprisingly happy.
And then I went to fill the car up with gas for the ride to his
parents home in Treemonton,
and it really hit me.

I was making the drive,
on Christmas Eve,
without Travis.

It was a very long ride.
My heart just hurt.
I wanted him there to hold my hand.
I wanted to scratch his neck as he drove.
I wanted to feel the excitement with my kids-and with my Travis.
And it felt very unfair that I couldn't.

But we made it,
and once we got there,
we were able to enjoy the night.
It wasn't the same without him,
and I realize that I will probably never get used to it.
I hate not having my partner.
(I kinda want to stomp my foot like a child...but I am refraining...for now.)

We went to Treemonton early this year so we wouldn't have to drive
home in the super dark, and so we could watch a movie and have some family time..
but I didn't really think ahead.
We had no food...and no where was open!
So we came home and the girls ate ice cream....
(mother of the year?)
and we watched a movie and they went to bed.

And I did Christmas.
And again,
I hated,
doing it without Travis.
And truth be told, 
the past 2 years he hasn't been much help.
I'd still have to wrap it all,
and get it all ready,
but he would have been there.
That would have been enough.
(I say that, but I do know in my heart that if he were here this year,
he would have been incredibly weak, and tired and sick, and it still wouldn't have
been the Christmas' of our past...I know that.  I do.)
 But still, it hurt.

I got all done,
and looked up at our lonely stockings and just felt sad.
 Next year I will find some way to fill his stocking with something special,
because it was really hard to see it hanging there.
(And I will just have to fill mine too! Darn!)

The girls though,
they had a wonderful Christmas.
And that is what is really important.
We made it.
And we made a lot of memories on the way.
I will know what to work on for next year to make it easier on all of us.

New Years Eve is coming.
And it's really hard to think of entering a new year without him.
He was my whole 2013...
and it's very strange to think he wont be here with me (in body) in 2014.
It's so know?

 So I'm setting a lot of goals for 2014,
and I am not going to fail.
I have every reason to work on myself, and to make our home what it should be,
and I'm gonna try really hard to fill it with goodness and joy.

I know that this post sounds like such a downer...
but it's honest at least.
And I know that we will get through this.
Thank you to all of you who helped to make our Christmas Season special.
We got lots of lovely gifts, cards, and messages sent our way and it really helped us
get through it.
I hope in years to come,
I can do it a bit more gracefully!
But this year,
I'm just proud to have survived!
Happy Holidays to all of our loved ones.
Our Travis Trees
Green ornaments:
(his favorite color)
Aggie blue ornaments.
Orange ornaments:
(our fighting color)
An Aggie flag.
Aggie golf balls.
Masters Golf ball.
A few personalized ornaments.
And Lots of memories through pics.
I love these trees!


Mortons Love said...

oh bless you dear Hayley! I want him to be there with you too. I really, really do. Stomp your dang foot if you want to!! XOXO

The Kings said...

Hi - I found you through another widow-I think maybe Carly Kropf? I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My husband passed away two years ago next week and it's still hard, but it gets a little easier each year. Christmas and holidays and weekends are always the worst for me and some days I feel 'great' and then other days it just hits me when I least expect it.
Lots of love to you.

The Kings said...

P.S. I'm also LDS :)