Friday, October 10, 2014

{12 Months}

Its 11:48 on October 10th.
I've been trying to get my mind to shut off...
but I'm not succeeding.

I just can't fathom how a year has gone by since my best friend passed away.
I can't fathom that it's only been a year.

Somedays it feels like it was yesterday-
and others it feels like it was at least 10 years ago.

This past few weeks have been full of very hard memories and emotions...
and I like life much better when those things aren't so close to the surface.

Here's what I've learned in the past 12 months.

Not a day will go by where I wont miss him.
Not one.

Not a day will go by where the girls wont miss him.
Not one.

We miss his laugh, his confidence, his warmth..
and just his physical presence.
Even when he was incredibly weak,
his strong spirit and heart helped strengthen our family.
I would revel to be able to rub his forehead and give him a kiss before bed, one more time.
And I would probably do just about anything to hear him say my name.
Husbands don't say your name enough...
it was always 'babe' or 'honey' or something like that...
but when he said "Hayley" my heart would melt into a puddle.
I loved it.  I miss it so fiercely.

I've learned that I relied on Travis to make me whole.
And I've had to find out who I am without him.
I'm working on it every single day.
I can't rely on his testimony.
I can't rely on him telling me I'm good enough...
whether it be in my parenting skills, cooking skills, the way I look or even the type of friend I am,
I have to TRUST in myself, and KNOW myself.
And I have to remember that Travis had complete faith that I could do this.

I'm working on this every single day.
I have a long ways to go.

I've learned that we are strong,
the ladies and I.
We are made of strength.
We get out of bed every morning and try to smile.
We laugh a lot.
We tease each other, support each other, fight with each other,
drive each other crazy, and love each other in the best of ways.
We laugh-cry and repeat.

I wouldn't have survived this without my sweet girls.
I am so incredibly proud to be their mom.

We've learned who will always be here for us.
Who will step up, even when it's completely inconvenient to them.
Learned who we can turn to in our worst moments.
And we've learned an awful lot about they type of people we want to be.

I've learned to let things go that are too hard to carry.

I've learned that it's a wonderful feeling to
"sweat the small stuff" again.

And I've learned that we can do this.
We can and we are.

Sometimes it's not graceful.
In fact, it's really usually not graceful at all..
but we are doing our best.

I still sometimes can't believe that this is my life.
That I am truly a widow,
and that I have to figure this life out fresh every single day.
But I wouldn't change our time together.
I'd marry him all over again.

I will probably post one more post on this blog with some of the fun service projects done in Trav's name, and then I know it's time to say goodbye to the Cancer blog.
It's been such a great place for me to express how I feel over the past year,
and for the years before that, a wonderful forum to keep everyone up to date on Trav's battle.
Thanks to everyone who has checked in over the years.
We have felt so loved and supported.


Joan said...

I have so enjoyed your blog. My sweetheart went Home 3 1/2 years ago, and you express so beautifully what I feel but cannot find the words to say. I thank you for helping me process the grief I carry. I can tell you it gets better but some days feel like the loss is brand new.

Mortons Love said...

What a year for you girls!!! I sure wish you had those moments again too! It's true... I don't hear Scott say my name enough! I'm going to start making him!

You are truly amazing Hayley. I have to say it surprises me to read that you relied on him for confidence in all those things. You are such a great person!! I truly wish I was more like you! Lots of love!