Wednesday, October 3, 2012

5 more days....

I never really know how to write  
these update posts.
People want to know how Trav is,
and how we are all doing as a family-
so I've been sitting her trying to find a way
to update.
I want people to understand how Trav
is feeling and doing,
but we both don't want pity
and people to feel worried or like we are in need.

keep in mind as you read this post
that each night we tuck our ladies 
into bed and listen to them read.
We laugh when they sing at the top
of their lungs in the shower.
We watch 'Good Luck Charlie' before bed.
We get our favorite takeout every weekend.
We play games with our extended family
and make fun of each other a lot.
Trav gets really into football
and is always watching his fantasy scores.
Trav has even golfed a few times this month.
 And has only missed a day of work.

So remember,
we really love our life.
It's a good life.
Please don't feel after
reading this post that we want you to
feel sorry for us.
We really don't.

Would we change a few things.
Oh yes.

But we have a happy home.
And that is more then some can say.

This round has been tough.
I don't want to go into details 
mostly for Trav's privacy...
but it's been tough.
Sutent and his stomach don't mix well
and he has had many more bad days then good.
 Especially this past week.
His stomach just hurts.
And makes it hard to eat much.
His energy level is just gone.
He's soooo tired.
And sleeping all night doesn't
happen often.
 And the swelling that started
last month
has been happening again.
When he finally forces himself to get
out of bed-
(with a really bad stomach ache and still 
feeling like he could sleep for hours more)-
his eyes are really swollen.
And his mouth is pretty swollen too.
 And to top it all off he woke with
a small patch-almost like a scab on his
thumb the other day.
What I'm assuming is the beginning of
hand and foot.
It's just on his thumb and it's not a big deal 
for  now...and he only has 5 more pills
so we aren't concerned about this small
spot on his thumb...
but he has yet to experience the hand and foot
and we both were really hoping that this
was a side effect he wouldn't get at all.
It does worry me for the next round.
His sensitivity to cold is probably the strangest
side effect.  He gets cold very easily and has
a hard time warming back up.

Each day we just brace ourselves for what's to come.

Travis is something amazing.
He has only missed one day of work since our
Salt Lake visits.
I  think he's utterly amazing.
I would be in bed all day long if it were me.

When I write it down it seems really depressing.
And I'm not gonna lie...
sometimes it is. 
But we have two little rays of joy 
in our house that take up as much focus as they can.
And we have a slew of people who take care of us.
 My amazing neighbors who mow our lawn-
and my dad who is seriously here doing yard work 
every single week.
My friends feed us dinner so often that I feel like I barely
ever cook.
And my amazing Mom makes sure we are never in need 
and is willing to jump in the car and play carpool Mom if I need her.
Or make whatever food Trav might be craving.

The hardest times are when we really think about 
what life would be like without cancer.

I get a little jealous when I hear what others are doing...
like just jumping in the car for an adventure.
Or even going for a bike ride as a family.
Those things aren't easy for us...or possible even.
The kids can't climb all over T like they used to.
And we can't really plan things ahead of time.
And when we are out it is a constant worry of how T is feeling.
If it's somewhere cold, 
he will be miserable.
If he'll be able to eat.
It seems there are a lot of 'if's' in what we do each day.

Every now and then I throw a little pity party
and remember what life used to be like.
Trav used to be the husband that would come home and 
unload the dishes while helping do homework and make dinner.
Then he'd go out and play soccer with the kids...
And now I'm kinda doing it all.
And working and sometimes it feels like I'm carrying 
the weight of the world on my shoulders.
And then I think what it must be like for Trav 
and I just feel terrible for feeling sorry for myself.
 NO ONE misses the way he used to be more then Trav.
He hates feeling so tired.
He hates it.

So yes-
we have blue days.

But then we shake it all off and do all the things I  wrote 
about at the beginning of this post 
and realize that our new normal may not 
be the ridiculously happy 'old normal' we once had.
But it still has happier moments then most people get.

5 more pills
and he has 2 weeks off.
THANK Goodness for that.
He really needs it.

We are going to celebrate our 10th anniversary
in Seattle while he's off and are both 
so ready and excited for a little vacation.
We also plan on mugging on our kids,
enjoying the gorgeous fall weather,
and enjoying a few weeks of happy tummy time.

Don't be jealous.

Love to all.