Sunday, October 12, 2008

I've found...

that our emotions come in waves. Most of the time we are oddly used to what we are facing. We joke about it often. We pull the "cancer card" whenever we can. We are used to weekly treatments, cankers, and everything that comes along with it.

But now and again, oh my, we are flooded with emotion.

I remember it happening once when I was on the phone with my sister. It was a normal day, I was running to Wal-mart (we always call each other on our Wal-mart runs, I think it's our way to feel like we live closer to each other...) and I found myself driving with tears streaming down my face.

I just had to get it all out.

And it's happened many times when we are just home together. I've woken poor Trav up at 2 a.m. before just to because...

I had to get it all out.

And I guess it's needed now and then to find that emotional side, and then get back to normal. It makes us feel closer to those we share those moments with. It grounds us and makes us remember what we are facing, and then life goes back to normal.

But I'm thinking it gets a little embarrassing to get it all out in church.

Yes friends, that happened to me today. And goodness, did I get it all out. And then some.

The lesson was all about trials. And I was overcome with mine. I want to make it clear to those who witnessed my very embarrassing display today, that I wasn't crying a woe is me cry. (well, maybe I was...but just a little). Mostly I was overcome with a few different thoughts. She spoke of looking back on our trials when they are over, and realizing all the good that came out of them. And right then I was able to think of a few good things that have happened to me.

Such as how close I feel to my ward members. I am at home when I am at church. I am greeted by people who I know are praying for us, and who genuinely care for us. I don't know that I would be able to open myself up to them so much, if we weren't facing this.

And I thought of how close I am to my husband. I think we have learned to really appreciate the little things we have. We shrug off silly little things that we maybe would have argued over before. Now I'm not saying we don't have our moments...cause we do, but our marriage is a good one.

And the thing that really got me to sobbing, yes I honestly sat there sobbing, I did the ugly cry. (I'm so very embarrassed), was when she talked of how God only gives us trials that we can handle.

We can do this. We can do this. Somehow we can do this.

I just had to get it all out.

I apologize for the sappy posts once again. It's really therapeutic for me to write it all down, and I feel like someday I'm gonna want to remember it all....

13 comments:

Eileen said...

Dear Hayley-my heart was just aching for you today! I HATE TRIALS! I wish they were never invented. It was a good lesson and I can see how it could have sparked emotion. I don't know how you and Travis are doing this. And always with such beautiful smiles. You are loved and adored.
Hugs from me.
P.S. That was a lovely post. Such beautiful, sincere words from someone way too young to have such hard things.

Hanne and Fam said...

It was a really well taught lesson yesterday. The spirit was so strong in there! Trials are never easy especially when you are in the middle. I wouldn't be worried or embarrassed about crying. If I were you I would have been doing the same thing and it only made the spirit stronger for me. I love you Hayley and I hope the rest of your day made you feel better!

Watkins said...

Sweet Hayley, Don't ever feel embarrassed for letting your emotions show. I know that feeling when there is so much going on in your head, so many thoughts, so many worries...so many unknowns. A good cry seems to release some on those feelings and helps you to move forward. I read your posts and am amazed by your strength and the beautiful way you can express your thoughts and feelings. You inspire me. I know how hard treatments are and I am so sorry for the cankers and all the other side affects that Travis has to go through. He is an amazing man. I just want you to know that your little family is always in my prayers and that I am here if ever you need a listening ear.

Hiatts said...

Hayley,
That lesson yesterday was just so great!! And you sobbing in the background just made the spirit that much stronger. You seriously brought me to tears. you are so amazing!! you are in our prayers, can't wait to see you tomorrow!

ps Addy's talk yesterday was so cute!!!

Lance and Mandy said...

You don't ever need to apologize for sharing your feelings. When I bawl at church, I always feel like a dork, and to make it worse my husband laughs. But I guess we all show emotion differently. Some people never cry. I think tears are like tea kettles steaming, sometimes there is just too much pressure and it has to go somewhere. The pain has to go somewhere. I love the Martina Mcbride song "Loves the Only House Big enough for all the pain in the World" I think you can feel that Love from all of us who are praying for you!

Katie said...

I really am at a loss for the words this post and the post(er) deserve- you amaze me. You are truly inspiring and beautiful inside and out. I'm with Eileen on the suckiness of trials, and I'm not grateful for yours but for the way it has touched my life and lessons you have taught me by enduring. Much love to you and your sweet little fam!
“Therefore, dearly beloved …, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power, and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” Doctrine & Covenants 123:17

Trisha said...

Oh my Hayley...you are a pillar of strength. Truly, another great thing that has come from this trial is the hope that you bring to us all to live better!

Haylee Munk Brown said...

I love reading your posts on this site. You are really are someone that I look up to, and you inspire us all. Love you!

Thom, Emily, & boys said...

Dear Hayley- Not sure you know me, but you know my husband Thom Toolson, I'm Emily.  Anyway, I've checked your blog occasionaly sort of knowing what you are going through.  After reading this post I can't NOT comment anymore.  What an awesome post.  Thom went through some cancer treatments last winter.  Currently it is in remission and he's doing really well.  But, I think of you and your family so often and all the other families in the world who are battling the ugly cancer everyday.  Your post was beautiful and it brought to the surface so many emotions for me.  Although I don't know exactly what you are going through or all your feelings, I feel a little connected to you.  I wouldn't wish the world of cancer on anyone, but I too am so grateful for the world of love that comes along with it.  From Dr.s & nurses to friends and neighbors and most importantly wonderful families.  Love truly makes it more bearable.  You and your family are an inspiration to me.  We think and pray for you often.  May you feel God's love daily as you and Travis fight this fight.

Chellebelle said...

I had to TEACH that lesson last week - not easy or fun. I actually thought of you and your sweet family a lot while I prepared it...

You are as always amazing as ever! I love you so much and you guys continue to be in our prayers! So seriously lets get together soon!

Quinn and Melanie said...

I just read all the great comments and see how many people LOVE and Care sooo much about you and Travis. You seriously inspire me EVERY time I read your sweet posts!! I have said it way too many times but you and Travis are BOTH AMAZING!! Keep on crying...even the "ugly" cry it makes the world go around. :)

The Wolfley Family said...

Oh my. I don't check this blog as often as I check your other one. I have to admit that it's mostly because I'm sort of attatched to my denial. It's what gets me past the "ugly cries" most of the time ... but I'm so glad that I checked it tonight! Tell Trav that I loved his post, as well. I'll forgive you both for making me cry, this time. Love you!

Ballard Family said...

Haley
I hope you don't mind me looking at your blog but I just wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how hard this is from past experience with my dad. Travis is a tropper, he is always smiling and very pleasant when he comes in for his treatments! If I can do anything, let me know!
Love
Julie