I've intended to write multiple blog posts.
Mostly because it's really good for me.
Every time I write one I feel like things become clear.
I'm charting what I feel, and realizing what I need to work on,
and learning about the things I've totally been kidding myself about.
So I get on the computer,
and I just stare at the screen unsure of what to say.
The truth, right now it this:
I've lost my mojo. Things have gotten harder. And most days I'm physically and mentally
DONE.
In March I wrote this post:
When I wrote that,
I really truly felt every single thing I wrote,
and really thought I was in a good place,
and moving forward in a healthy, smart way.
I still feel like we, as a family, are doing well.
I think we are moving forward,
We have fun, and laugh a lot...
but the tears come more freely now.
And the loneliness and weariness can feel very daunting.
Single parenting is awfully hard.
Being alone is awfully hard.
Dealing with my own grief? Aslo awfully hard.
And then adding on the grief of the kids....harder. Trust me on this.
I guess you always assume that you get through that stage, and your done with it.
For me, at least-that's just not the case.
I'm Hayley,
and I'm a Grief Stage Jumper.
I have days where I just can't pull myself out of my slump-
and days where I am angry.
And still, many days, where I just can't believe Travis isn't here.
It's been 8 months and it still seems unreal to me.
These emotions (anger & depression), are new to me;
and I've found a few things that help me combat them.
My Coping Mechanisms.
(PS-I betcha none of these are considered healthy...)
When I'm feeling blue:
My kids come in and demand me to do something with them....
and mothering gets in the way of the sadness.
Those girls of mine are little happy pills.
And while sometimes I just am faking the smile,
eventually-it turns genuine and I know because of them- I can pull through.
I am so blessed to have them. So blessed to be able to help each other heal.
And if they are asleep,
which if I'm being honest, is when things feel too quiet and too lonely,
then I read.
I read an awful lot.
Like, a lot.
I'm a totally book worm/nerd.
But it takes my mind off the bad....
and I'm happy with that.
Now,
When I'm feeling angry:
I usually swear.
Eat chocolate.
And call or text a friend or two and say my peace.
My friends.
They have learned to get angry with me-or at least to act really offended for me.
I'm sure at times they are rolling their eyes like,
"really Hayley....mellow down!"
But they fake angry with me, and I sure love them for that.
The days when I can't believe that
this is my life....
Those days always hit me the hardest.
I'm incredibly aware that I'm alone,
and I miss Travis constantly,
so why it all the sudden hits me that
HE IS GONE...
HE IS GONE...
I'll never understand.
But those moments just take my breath away.
And they just hurt, real bad.
They hurt like nothing I can ever explain.
Those days,
I've given myself a pass.
(I promise, this doesn't happen too often!)
I pawn my kids off on someone else
(awesome friends and my poor mom!)...
I wear my sweats, and my topknot,
watch reality TV,
and ignore life.
Bless the poor salesmen who knocks on my door that day.
That may seem really unhealthy,
and if your a professional you are probably hoping someone locks me up one day soon..
but I think letting myself take a day off from life is ok,
now and then.
If I start abusing it,
then I'm hoping someone will call me out and have an intervention?
So yes,
I've got some work to do.
I know that even though I have days where I am an utter mess....
I also know that if I didn't, I wouldn't be coping the right way.
This isn't supposed to be easy,
and so I guess I'm doing it right.
As always,
I am so grateful for those that always remember us.
The other day a neighbor saw Sienna playing basketball and came to shoot hoops with her
for a second.
My heart was so warmed to know that they have good people here,
willing to spend a few minutes making sure they get some man time.:)
And I'm so grateful to those who never forget to help whether we are in need, or not.
xoxo-Hayley
