{happy birthday travis}

Trav's Birthday is May 2nd.

He would have turned 39.

I've been full of dread for another first to come my way...

and Trav's Birthday felt like an extremely hard first.

I still sometimes can't really imagine how we keep moving on without him.

I still love and adore him, and miss him so dearly.

(Travis, in his favorite city in Spain, Aranjuez, in the princesses garden at the palace)

I loved everything about this special day with him.

I loved the train ride-where I dozed on his shoulder.

I loved eating my first Spanish tortilla on the streets while we watched

old grandfathers picking up their grand kids for the mediadia.

I loved meeting his friends there.

I loved watching him have so much zest for life that day...

I really miss that.

I loved watching him read the Spanish newspaper on the way back...

and I loved holding his hand in Madrid when twilight came.

I cherish our memories.

I was incredibly appreciative of my friends and family for realizing that

this wasn't an easy day.

We are so blessed to always be remembered, and it means so much to me.

We received gifts from friends,

cards in the mail,

and these lovely flowers were left on my porch with a card that said 

"Flowers for T's girls".

So thoughtful.

And everyone wore orange.

This touched my heart so deeply....

All of my friends, all of the girls friends, and even half the staff at their school wore orange to 

honor Travis.

These reminders that we still have a lot of support shown our way do a lot for my soul!

I took the girls after school the the cemetery,

so we could spend a few minutes alone with him.

When we got there,

there was an older man visiting the grave next to his.

I've noticed her headstone before...and it's confused me a bit.

Most of the stones near him are new,

and this one looks new,

but she passed quite a long time ago.

We chatted with him for quite a while.

He was in the military and stationed in California,

and his daughter, Sally,  passed when she was just 1 year old.

She was buried there, and then after he retired the rest of the family moved here.

Last year they decided to move her here,

and her headstone is always marked with flowers,

and a lot of love.

He is a golfer,

and a very proud Daddy to only daughters,

and was very touched to hear our story.

We left promising we'd watch over each others loved ones.

It was a nice little moment,

and I wont go visit Travis without remembering Sally as well.

I had only planned on having our immediate family over to the cemetery to let off balloons,

because I didn't want to ask people to come and make them feel obligated....

and then people kept asking if they could come.

I was so touched by this.

I basically only put it here on the blog and so many lovely souls showed up to celebrate him.

Sometimes we forget that ALL of us are grieving for T. 

Not just our family, but our friends, and my friends who hold my hand through it.

This meant more to me then anything else.

There are no words for the comfort it brings me to remember that I'm not alone 

in my grief, or that Travis is always, always loved and remembered.

We all brought orange balloons with a note attached about how we will

try to be better, for Travis, this year.

A fitting gift, I think.

My father in law said a lovely prayer,

and then we sang Happy Birthday.

I held up okay,

until then.

I just ached while everyone sang,

and still ache when I think about it.

I don't want time to go on without him,

but I want it to go reallly fast so I can be back with him.

It's an awfully strange feeling-and something I don't really understand myself.

I am so glad Travis is free of pain,

because no one,

not even me, I'm sure,

really understands how awful things really got for him....

but I'm just selfish enough that I would do pretty much anything to have him

here again.  

We survived it through another first.

I'm really quite proud of these girls, and of myself.: )

Our Families.

We came home to a cake from one of my best friends,

and most thoughtful people I know, Lorinda.

I loved it!

To End:

39 things I love-and/or miss about Travis

in absolutely no order whatsoever.

I should note that this list could go on and on and on....and on.

1-I miss cooking for him. Terribly.  The girls complain a lot.

2-I miss his big, belly laugh.  It hurt him pretty bad to laugh that hard, because of his tumor in his rib,

but he would clutch it, while tears of joy were flowing and say "It hurts...." all while cracking up.

I know this sounds mean...but a few of you will know exactly what I'm talking about, and it was as joyful as things get.

3-I miss hearing him watch anything sports related on TV.

I could be in another room and hear him yelling at the TV.  And half the time he couldn't have cared less who was playing....

4-I miss his sarcasm and wit.

5-I miss his nerd speak.

6-I miss him snuggling with his girls.

7-I miss seeing him be the fabulous father that he was.

There aren't words to express how perfect his love for the girls was.

8-I miss him warming my feet in bed.

9-I miss watching him eat cereal standing up.

10-I miss rubbing his neck.

11- I miss holding his hand in the car.

12-I love the things he passed on to his kids...like how Sienna has his eyes,

and Adyson clearly has his sarcasm.

13-I love remembering every vacation we ever took

14-I miss him filling the car up with gas, even when it's cold outside.

15-I miss him killing the spiders!

16-I miss sitting by him in church and rubbing his back.

17-I miss making him pretzels on Sunday afternoon.

18-I miss hearing all about his day...

19-And I miss telling him about mine.

20-I miss settlers of Catan nights.

21-I miss seeing him bit the neck of his shirts.

22-I miss his socks hanging off his feet.

23-I miss nightly family prayers and his words of wisdom.

24-I miss having someone to share my fears with...

25-and someone to celebrate my victories with.

26-I miss cheering with him at Roo's soccer games.

27-And beaming with pride when Adyson excels at school.

28-I miss his friendship with my brother.  He helped unite my family...and I'm forever grateful for it.

29-I miss him telling me I'm beautiful.  Even in those moments when I clearly wasn't!

30-I miss yelling at him for leaving his port bandaid in the shower... NEVER thought I'd say that.

31-I miss sitting on our front porch feeling the sun on our faces together.

32-I miss kissing him goodbye.

33-I miss him kissing me goodbye.

34-I miss the security of having him around.

35-I miss his knowledge of all these electronics....I'm sometimes cursing him for help!

36-I miss his smile.

37-I miss chatting about our future.

38-I miss his voice. So incredibly much.

39-And I miss our life together.  This wont ever change.

Happy Birthday Travis.

I hope you got our balloons, felt our love, and shot a hole in one in Heaven.

You are loved.

And you are missed!