{Inside my head}

I've known for a long time that the day would come where

I would be a widow.

I knew I'd miss Travis, terribly.

I knew it would be hard.

I knew I'd have to play mom, and also dad.

I knew I'd have to pay the bills, kill the spiders,

and scare of boys when the girls are teenagers.

And I knew it would be unbearable at times.

 But...

grief, grief that is part of you, and that at times is your whole world...

it comes with a lot of other crap that you just didn't see coming.
And sometimes,
it really messes with your head.

This post is one I've debated about a million times.

I've mentioned that writing does a lot of good for my soul,

but I certainly filter a lot of my thoughts out for a few reasons.

1-Some of them may be too hard to read or feel.

and

2-Someone may have me committed if they knew the truth of what is going on

in my head!

A few widow friends, who are obviously braver them I am,

have put it all out there and I have no words to express the gratitude I've felt

when I realized that these thoughts are completely normal.

Yes, they make life feel pretty rotten at times,

but I think it is a completely natural part of the process.

 It's one I loathe, and it's been the hardest part of this ordeal for me personally.

(Besides the missing him, of course).

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Right?
I sure hope so.

So here you have it.
I really hope that in writing it,
another widow who may feel some of the sorrow I have felt,
will see that it's ok. And normal.

I'll start with sleep.

 I'm exhausted about 113% of the time.

I wrestle with my sadness while parenting, alone.

And by the time I put the kids to bed I can't wait to just sleep!

But I get in bed, and the sleep evades me.

I'm thrilled the 2 nights a week that sleep truly claims me.

 Most of the time there is just too much on my mind.

Trav's death was not peaceful.

It was anything but peaceful,

and some of those memories from that week will never leave me.

And once they get inside your head,

they like to stay a while.

I take a lot of comfort in the fact that Travis now understands

why that week was so hard.
Why those past few years were so hard.

He now knows that I was trying, really hard, to make it as easy as I could for him,

but I hate that he suffered so much in his death.
When I think about the pain he was in,
or how scared must have been at times,
my hear breaks into a million pieces.
I hate that I couldn't have done more.
I hate that he went through it.
And I hate that even though I really do know that I did all I could,
at times,
I still feel guilt about what occurred.

Those nights,

sleep evades me and by morning I feel on deaths door myself.

 Those nights are less and less.

But they still come occasionally.
And they are hard to shake.

Another thing I never, ever saw coming,

was doubt and worry for our future together.

 I've believed my whole life that if I make the right choices,
and do my best, I will get to live with my family for Eternity.
That thought alone carried Travis and I through the entire span of our marriage,
and especially through his cancer battle.
 I believe that we will be able

to live together for Eternity in Heaven.

And I can't wait for that day.
 

But,

there are times when the thought of

"will he still love me then?" 

pop into my head.

It's gonna be a while before I get to be with him again...
most likely a really long while.

 And I imagine what my life will be like till then.
I'm gonna make mistake after mistake.
I will do stupid things,
yell at our kids one too many times,
take things for granted,
mix up my priorities,
and basically do what we all do.
That's part of life.
Making mistakes and then trying not to make them,
over and over again.

 Then I think of what he will be doing until then.
I believe he will be watching over us.
Watching me screw up----again and again.
(I can see him shaking his head now!)
He will be teaching others about his beliefs.
And he will be getting better by the second.
I know he wont judge me.
He's already promised me that...

but will he still love me?
Will he be as excited to see me as I am to see him?

These thoughts are apparently,
a very normal part of grief...
at least according to my sweet group of widow friends.

I remind myself,

pretty much on a daily basis,

about how hard T fought to stay with me.

About the times that only I could make him feel better.

And about those moments that we had together,

where there was absolutely no doubts of our love.

And sometimes, when that's not enough,

I will read an old note, or his old journal,

or even look through a few old pictures and remember that

he does.

And he will.

I wish he was here to reassure me.

But I also wish he was here to help with math homework,

cleaning the garage,

and telling me I'm pretty.

What I'm saying is,

no matter what, big deal or small matter, I wish he was here.

 

It's been 5 months today since Travis left us.

And really,

my grief feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

But I do feel us moving forward little by litter.

 

We still miss him terribly.

We still have lots of uncertain moments in our life,

but I imagine that we always will.

We just keep moving forward.

Slowly.