{Widowhood lessons}

This past weekend has been a bit of a test.

The girls have struggled,

I'm dieting..(which makes me cranky!)

The toilet overflowed and being the spoiled princess that I am,

I didn't even know how to turn the water off!

It's made me really reflect on my new life as a widow.

A few lessons I've learned below.

And I'm realizing,

while I will never, ever, ever be happy or grateful for this challenge,

I am grateful for some of the knowledge it's brought me.

1-Some days,

I rule the world.

I wake up early and clean the house.

I workout.

We read the scriptures and study before school.

The girls do a chore or two.

I eat healthy.

I even do laundry and cook dinner.

I go to bed and say a prayer of thanks

to my Heavenly Father for helping me make it through the day.

For helping me do things right.

And always, 

I ask him to help me know how to help my little ladies overcome 

all the trials in their way. 

And I thank him for letting me marry my T.

 And I drift off to a very tired sleep-while really missing Travis by my side.

 

2-That usually means that the next day...

I fail at almost everything.

I sleep in.

I wake the girls up late.

We have no time for anything in the morning...

the house is a mess.

I eat chocolate.

I eat more chocolate.

And then it's dinner time...and I'm all 

"What kind of cereal do you want?"

I then try to fix some of the mess I've made throughout the day,

and stay up way too late.

I say a different prayer these days.

Help me be better.

Help me try harder.

And forgive me for failing at almost everything today.

Those nights I drift off to sleep much later,

much grumpier, and miss Trav more then ever.

Which brings me to #3.

3-Either day is completely ok.

I'm learning that it's completely ok to have either day.

It's wonderful to feel like I can do it all...

but it's also kinda wonderful to remember that the days where I 

fail...again and again and again...

we still survive.

We still wake up in the morning and get to try again.

And guess what?

If I fail 2 days in a row (which happens...so often),

I can try again on the 3rd day.

I get to keep trying.

4-It will never be easy.

I think when Trav first passed away,

I felt a burden lifted.

That may sound bad to well...almost all of you,

but until you have lived the way we lived for the past few years,

you wouldn't understand.

I knew then, and still know without a doubt,

that this is better for him.

He was ready.

He didn't want to leave me-and especially the ladies,

but he was so sick.

 And it was hard to watch.

So at first I really thought that in comparison, 

this would be easy.

No.

It's not.

Silly, silly me.

Watching my sweet little girls grow up without him is harder then

I ever imagined it would be.

 Adyson...oh my sweet Adyson is growing up.

She is all the sudden looking much older then she should be allowed.

She is so concerned about others.

So concerned about me.

If my friends go out to dinner she will make sure to push me to go..

"Mom, you deserve an out!  Go...have fun!"

She's thoughtful and caring and has a beautiful-loving soul.

I hate that Travis isn't here to help mold her.

She is part him.

I wish so much that he could help her cultivate some of the 

things she got from him.

But it's just not that easy.

And Roo.

She's still her glowing-happy self...

but at times, she's not.

At times, she loses that for a minute.

She really misses her Daddy and is still a little too young

to really cope with how this is better for him.

And I hate not being able to take the pain away.

And the worst part is,

the only person who could pull her out of that,

would be Travis.

When they are struggling I just hug

them.

I tell them I think it just sucks too.

I tell them it's ok to be sad.

And then a while later I tell them it's time to smile again.

No, it's not easy.

I know that these hard moments will be like groundhog day for us.

We will experience them often.

It's beyond anything I could have imagined.

But we aren't alone.

We are surrounded by family and friends who love us.

And who would, (and frequently do), drop everything for us.

 Which brings me to #5

5-People will surprise you.

I have a list of people who would do anything for me.

They prove it over and over again.

And again.

I haven't had to doubt that these people would check on me daily.

Would send a funny text just because they knew I might need a smile.

They leave Diet cokes on my stoop,

make my favorite treat,

or just come to listen to me complain.

What has been a surprise,

is some of the people who I never realized would care so much,

do.

They are a lovely little surprise and a beautiful blessing.

And there are others who I thought would be there,

and for some reason or another,

they aren't.

And that is ok..

but it has made me really think about the type of person I want to be.

It's made me realize that this is my time for growth.

My time to choose a path.

6-I'm not alone.

We 3 Kidman girls are survivors.

We've been dealt a card.

And man,

it's not the card we would have chosen,

but we aren't doing this alone.

At the end of the day-

(either the really good day, or the bad one),

I know that little miracles have been sent my way.

I know that Heavenly Father has provided a way for me to make it 

till the next day,

and has given me an opportunity to make it better.

I can repent.

I can try harder.

And someday...I get to spend Eternity with my family.

My testimony has grown leaps and bounds....

merely because I feel like I am proof that you can fail at everything,

and still not feel like a failure.

I get a chance to start over every day and I get a chance to be 

the mother that my sweet little ladies deserve every single day.

I know that we are being watched over.

We are given the strength when we need it.

I pray every day that the girls will feel it also.

We aren't alone.

Our house is full of love,

and I think,

full of angels watching over us.

I imagine my Travis leading the charge.

I wonder what lessons are still coming my way?

Be kind to me future...be kind.

3 months

Yesterday marks 3 months without Travis.

3 months without my very best friend.

I think as time has gone on,

some days have gotten easier.

We, as a family, have gotten in a rhythm.

The girls get home from school and we do homework,

play with friends,

go to lessons...

life moves on.

And we are trying to fill it with a lot of joy.

 But some days have seemed much, much harder.

The days when the girls come home from school

feeling incredibly jealous because a friends dad came to lunch at school.

Or nights when I feel really alone,

because my partner is gone.

There are nights when I just ache to take care of him again.

I knew I'd miss waking up to give him meds and fighting side effects with him,

but I didn't think I'd miss it this much.

I want to cook his favorite dinner,

or even just want to complain about something that is driving me crazy...

something that anyone else wouldn't care about,

but Trav would have.

That being said,

those times are also a great reminder of how much

love I still have for him.

I'm glad that I married someone that I still miss so deeply. 

The girls and I have been finding old pictures of Travis,

and watching old little video clips...

and hearing his voice just makes us all so happy.

In most of the videos, it's T and I videoing the girls doing something.

You can hear him laugh in the background,

or cheer for them.

The love he has for them is pretty adorable,

even just by the tone of his voice.

I just found these gems.

I mean.

I can't even say the love I have for these precious moments!

 

 We spent the 3 months mark skiing.

The girls in classes,

and me with my dad.

Surrounded by the snow capped peaks,

the blue sky,

and the sun!

We are full of hope that 2014 will be a year of heeling for us.

I  realized I didn't blog about this at Christmas,

and really want to remember it in the future.

I bought myself a new wallet this year for Christmas.

In the morning as the girls were downstairs playing with their spoils,
I was emptying out my old wallet and filling my new one.

I found a pocket of notes from Travis, that I have moved from wallet to wallet over the years.

I had forgotten about them.

This one was the first one I opened.

I felt like I had a lovely gift right from Travis that morning.

It is 13 years old, but quite fitting for now-I think.

Thanks to all of you who keep remembering us in all you do.

We have been able to survive because so many have helped us smile.

Happy 2014 to everyone!

Christmas.

Christmas, without Travis.

The past month people kept saying,

"I'm so sorry that you have to do the Holiday's without Travis"

Or 

"This Christmas will be tough..."

I really didn't agree.

Not that I thought it would be easy,

but the month leading up to Christmas was enjoyable- and busy.

Busy-when your grieving, is good.

I had a reason

to cook,

to shop,

to decorate.

I really thought that yes, the Holidays will be hard,

but it's when 'real life' beings again, that things will be tough.

Well..

turns out,

Christmas was much, much harder then I anticipated.

Christmas Eve day I cleaned the house and got all ready for us to be able to enjoy

the next few days.

I shopped for a few last minute things and took the girls to lunch and

felt pretty excited and surprisingly happy.

And then I went to fill the car up with gas for the ride to his

parents home in Treemonton,

and it really hit me.

I was making the drive,

on Christmas Eve,

without Travis.

It was a very long ride.

My heart just hurt.

I wanted him there to hold my hand.

I wanted to scratch his neck as he drove.

I wanted to feel the excitement with my kids-and with my Travis.

And it felt very unfair that I couldn't.

But we made it,

and once we got there,

we were able to enjoy the night.

It wasn't the same without him,

and I realize that I will probably never get used to it.

I hate not having my partner.

(I kinda want to stomp my foot like a child...but I am refraining...for now.)

We went to Treemonton early this year so we wouldn't have to drive

home in the super dark, and so we could watch a movie and have some family time..

but I didn't really think ahead.

We had no food...and no where was open!

So we came home and the girls ate ice cream....

(mother of the year?)

and we watched a movie and they went to bed.

And I did Christmas.

And again,

I hated,

hated,

doing it without Travis.

And truth be told, 

the past 2 years he hasn't been much help.

I'd still have to wrap it all,

and get it all ready,

but he would have been there.

That would have been enough.

(I say that, but I do know in my heart that if he were here this year,

he would have been incredibly weak, and tired and sick, and it still wouldn't have

been the Christmas' of our past...I know that.  I do.)

 But still, it hurt.

I got all done,

and looked up at our lonely stockings and just felt sad.

 Next year I will find some way to fill his stocking with something special,

because it was really hard to see it hanging there.

(And I will just have to fill mine too! Darn!)

The girls though,

they had a wonderful Christmas.

And that is what is really important.

We made it.

And we made a lot of memories on the way.

I will know what to work on for next year to make it easier on all of us.

New Years Eve is coming.

And it's really hard to think of entering a new year without him.

He was my whole 2013...

and it's very strange to think he wont be here with me (in body) in 2014.

It's so REAL...you know?

 So I'm setting a lot of goals for 2014,

and I am not going to fail.

I have every reason to work on myself, and to make our home what it should be,

and I'm gonna try really hard to fill it with goodness and joy.

I know that this post sounds like such a downer...

but it's honest at least.

And I know that we will get through this.

Thank you to all of you who helped to make our Christmas Season special.

We got lots of lovely gifts, cards, and messages sent our way and it really helped us

get through it.

I hope in years to come,

I can do it a bit more gracefully!

But this year,
I'm just proud to have survived!

Happy Holidays to all of our loved ones.

 

Our Travis Trees

Green ornaments:

(his favorite color)

Aggie blue ornaments.

Orange ornaments:

(our fighting color)

An Aggie flag.

Aggie golf balls.

Masters Golf ball.

A few personalized ornaments.

And Lots of memories through pics.

I love these trees!

I've received so many emails questioning how we are

doing...and I know we have so many people thinking of us 

and wanting to know if we are surviving....

but whenever I start a post,

they end up sounding very sad.

And yes,

I am very sad.

But I'm also surviving and smiling and laughing.

 It's a complete mixture of every emotion most days,

and I guess that's how it should be.

 

Right now,

the hardest part is that for everyone else,

life is just normal again.

Even our closest family and friends have a semi normal routine back.

(That's not to say they don't miss him terribly,

but the reminder of how much our life has changed isn't around every corner for everyone else.)

 For me,

that reality is everywhere.

 

It's there when I wake up to get the kids ready in the morning

and I don't have to shush them because Trav's asleep.

It's there when another friend talks about their Dad during carpool,

and I see the tinge of jealousy in my kids' faces.

It's there when my kids have recitals and concerts and Trav can't be there to cheer them on.

It's there even with the simple things,

like planning my menu for the week or watching "The Amazing Race" alone.

It's there when I realize that when I lost him,

I lost our "couple friends" and date nights.

It's there when the weekend comes.

I hate the weekends.

I'm sure over time,

I will love them again....

but right now,

they just hurt.

 

I miss us snuggling by the fire before bed on Friday night.

And I miss our Saturday lunch date with the girls.

And I miss sitting by him during church so much that I just ache.

 

Missing him is everywhere.

 

On the same token,

I'm also very grateful that everywhere I turn,

there are pieces of him to miss.

It's a very good reminder that while he was here,

he was our whole world.

We made it count,

and that really pleases me.

We have a lot of really good memories to thrive one.

 And when I remember what the last year of our life together

was like,

I know that we can get through this.

I love knowing that Travis is pain free.

I hated watching him suffer,

and know that this is what was best for him.

 

So it's Sunday night,

and tomorrow we will begin a crazy busy week again.

I will ruffle feathers and smooth them over again about 100 times.

Daily.

 I will pray for patience time and time again.

I will stew over my kids when they are upset,

and laugh when they are feeling extra carefree

and we will continue to take it one day at a time.

Thank goodness for my resilient kids.

They have been true champions this past few months

and are adjusting to our new life as well as can be expected.

 

We plan on making new traditions this Christmas and savoring every memory we can.  

We plan on eating too much--spoiling each other--and remembering Our Savior who

made it possible for us to live again.  It seems a very good time for us to be able to focus on that.

 

Thank you to all who have went to extra effort to take care of us

and make sure we are smiling more then frowning.

We have been blessed because of others countless times

and hope that you all have a very

Merry Christmas as well.

{Feeling Heavy}

Just after Travis passed away I felt such a huge amount of relief.

The last few weeks leading up to his death were pretty horrible.

I was ready for us to begin to heal.

I was ready to do some of the hard work-it felt like my turn-he'd done his time.

 

So for that first month, I went full force.

I planned the funeral,

 cleaned the house.

I figured out every bill-

my health insurance,

and the many...many....many...many details that need tending to when someone passes.

I took the girls shopping.

Let them play with friends.

Made sure they weren't missing out on anything.

My friends would bombard me at night and stay till much past our bedtimes.

I felt light.

It had just been so hard for so long-and I knew this was better for him,

so I felt light.

This past week, 

that light feeling has gone and at times it feels like someone is squeezing my heart.

That husband of mine.

He is missed so deeply and profoundly.

The other day my sweet Roo told me she can only remember Travis being sick,

and she can't remember any fun memories.

I had a hard time with this,

because I feel the same way.

Those recent memories are so fresh.

And many of the things that transpired the week of his death,

I'd be so happy to forget.

I wish we could get some of the older memories to feel so close to the surface!

I was so glad to be able to tell her that I completely understand,

and now I'm really focused on making sure we have those memories somewhere tangible.

We have a beautiful DVD of pictures of us as a family.

Photos all around the house.

Ive made the girls each beautiful books with pictures of them and their Dad.

When I look at it,

I am so grateful that I married someone who was such a great father.

Some of these pictures,

taken years ago before the cancer really took his toll,

they take my breath away and just make me hurt inside.

It's a love/hate thing.

I love to see him looking so healthy and happy,

but man-I miss seeing him like that-full of life and joy.

 He loves those girls.

He couldn't possibly have loved them more.

And I really feel like as we look at the happy memories,

they will become more vivid to us.

I sure hope so anyways.

Today as I was cleaning out our filing cabinent,

I came across the journal Trav kept when we were dating.

I can't tell you what a joy that was for me to read.

I just laughed and cried the entire way through.

A beautiful reminder that he really, really loved me.

He was smitten.

That death wont change that.

Nor will our time apart.

This is a treasure-and an answer to my prayers.

We are still doing ok.

We are learning the ropes of how to manage just being the 3 of us.

And I think for the most part,

we are grieving in a healthy way.

We are still making lots of memories,

and laughing together,

and crying together when we need to.

I thought I'd post his beautiful headstone that was put in this week.

The ladies helped me deck it out for Christmas.

Thanks to all of you who continue to pray for us,

and who have been here every step of the way.

I am so incredibly grateful to be taken care of like I always am.

Capturing the moments

Today marks a month since Trav passed away.

It's so strange to think I haven't heard his voice in a month.

We've never gone a full day without talking before this.

I sure miss his voice.

That being said,

today I've taken Sienna to the Dr. (Strep).

Ran to the store to get medicine.

Made a desperate run for Diet Coke.

Did some laundry.

Snuggled my Roo.

And have watched a few too many episodes of 

Austin & Ally.

(So sad. So true).

It's been just another day,

and I'm grateful for that.

I feel blessed to be a mother.

I feel blessed to have a cozy house.

And I feel blessed that I had a love that really can carry me through all of this.

We are doing ok.

 We miss him,

but we aren't sitting around crying.

He'd surely cuss me out for that in the future when we meet again.

(I have a few things I can't wait to ask him.  The list grows longer each day.)

I thought I'd post some of the lovely images caught

by some of my dear friends during the week of the funeral.

Thank you Eileen, Jenny, and Kelly.

You ladies are so talented!

My dear friend (and really family), 

Tami set up the display for the viewing.

It was a beautiful tribute.

 My friend Courtney designed the programs.

I thought they were so beautiful.

My beautiful sister-in-law and handsome brother.

I adore these two.

 Sienna and her teacher.

Adyson's teacher came also.

They have wonderful teachers this year who are so aware

of each and every need.  I adore them.

 Trav's lovely sisters, Michelle and Tiffany

 Larry and Lorraine,

Trav's parents.

 My sisters, Amy and Heather.

I was quite nervous for the viewing and these two

promised to watch over me like a hawk.

And they took that job seriously.

They didn't leave my side and carried me through the night.

They are my best friends.

 Me and my gorgeous Roo.

 A few of my idols,

Julie Redd and my Aunt Sue

 My gorgeous niece, Breje. 

how did she get so old?

 Heather will hate me for posting this,

but it's the only pic of Adyson and I at the viewing.

I'm so proud of the grace my girls have.

They are amazing.

The night before the funeral some of my wonderful friends

hung these gorgeous orange bows all around the church.

It was a lovely gesture.

And have you ever seen a cooler hearse?

Yes, that's a TRAVSTRONG sticker.

This made the ladies day.

 This picture.
It makes me tear up just looking at it.

Me, comforting the girls,

while my dad, brother, and father in law comfort me.

I adore this photo.

 

The Pallbearers. 

Larry, Devin, Mike, Cody, Ron, Jody

 

The ladies let go of orange balloons and sent a promise up to Daddy.

 My everything.

I also really love this picture.

My sister-in-law Amy and I.

The week Trav passed away Amy pretty much took care of me.

Afterwards she knew I would need a clean house,

so she cleaned it.

She knew I'd need a big Diet Coke,

so she'd buy it.

I adore her.

I

 Candace and Julie, some of my dearest friends.

 Devin, Trav's Brother.

 My mom bought the girls and all of their girl cousins these beautiful orange 

necklaces to wear.

So sweet and a treasure.

 Some of my favorite friends.

 These amazing men were in the Bishopric with Travis.

They will never know the influence they had on him.

He loved each and every one of them.

 Lucy

 My parents.

No words for how much I adore them.

They are here before I ask and would do anything for me.

I love them, and know how loved I am by them.

And am so grateful they love Travis like they do.

 This one breaks my heart a bit.

 Adyson and her best friend Lexi.

Our girls have beautiful friends.

I am so grateful to them!

 The cousins, sans Lucy who was. not. having. it.

 Sisters.

 My brother Cody and I.

Travis was Cody's best friend and Cody has taken his role of taking care of us very seriously.
I never would have thought when we were kids that we would be so close.

I love him.

 This one. 

It's another killer.

My brother-in-law Jody and I.

 Dale and Gloria Jensen

Dale spoke at the funeral,

and did a beautiful job.

One of Trav's dearest friends.

 The Mullens.

Our best friends.

Kevin also spoke and did a wonderful job.

 

Beautiful flowers from my family.

 

And the luncheon afterwards,

put on by my ward and an army of friends.

Please excuse the way I look in ALL of these photos.

I can assure you I felt even worse then I looked, 

somehow.

Candace, Julie, Katie, Me, Kristin

 Ate and Johanna,

My lovely grandparents.

 The Wolfley Clan

 Eileen And Steph,

some of my favorite friends.

 Lorraine and I

About a week (or 2? It's a big blur!)

after Trav passed away,

the girls' school held TRAVSTRONG day.

A day where all the kids wore orange 

and they let of balloons in Trav's honor.

All this to support my kids.

Have I mentioned I live in an amazing community?

This is why we can do it...

because our support is overwhelming!

It was a beautiful day!