Waves.

How do I even begin describing our life right now?

It's strange.  And at times completely unreal.  And at times completely normal.

Does that make sense?

No?  I know.  But that is how it is.

We go through a completely normal day...

Trav works.  The ladies go to school.

I bake cookies and clean and do laundry and homework.

And then Trav gets home and he's pretty exhausted.

So we spend time together at home....being completely lazy.

Eating dinner in front of the TV like complete couch potatoes, 

and letting the kids play outside...

they forget to shut the door and the crisp air comes in and our

house feels warm and cozy.

The ladies are ever Trav's champions.

They grab him water when he needs it.

Or a warm blanket if he's cold....

They worry and cry and say the sweetest prayers,

and then they are off being young again and 

distracting themselves by being lovely little girls.

Just as it should be.

They are a breath of fresh air and a reminder that 

God loves us.  Because they are so special.

The way we love our kids, there aren't words to express it.

 

In my head for the past few weeks has been a song by Greg Laswell called comes and goes.

Really, it's not the whole song....but just the lines in the chorous-

"It comes and goes in waves".

That describes it perfectly.

 

It hits rapidly-and hurts.  And then we have to push it back.

We refuse to cry and complain for the time we have.

I mean...at least the entire time.

We will make memories together.

And watch the same mind numbing TV shows.

We will eat our favorite takeout and Trav will still win

at Settlers of Catan.

And when I tuck him in at night it will hurt for a bit again.

It's all very bittersweet.

 

But for now,

life goes on.  

And we are gonna enjoy it while we can.

I wish we didn't have to,

but we can do hard things.

We are incredibly thankful to our lovely family 

and our amazing friends and support system.

We are always so taken care of.

 

 

  Last night yet another event was held in our honor.  Travis wasn't feeling well, and I didn't want to leave him home alone for too long, so I was only there for an hour....but my heart was so full.  Seeing so many people who love Travis all in one room just makes me feel so blessed.  Our family has been able to survive, and live a really normal life because of the generosity of others.  We've been able to pursue chemo's that wouldn't have been an option financially, because others have sacrificed for us.  We've been able to enjoy our time together and make a lot of memories due to the kindness of so many people.  All Travis has been able to think of in the past few weeks is our future.  How to make sure we can survive without him.  He wants to make sure we are taken care of.  I just want to let those who have continually helped us, and to my dear friends who put our latest event together, that it has helped to ease Trav's mind.  Thank you all for always supporting us.  The last 5 years have taught us so much about love and service. I know that in the future, my season is changing...and I sure hope I can pay some of this love forward.

Warrior.

For the past 5 years Travis has been a warrior.

He's done 6 different chemo's.

And not chemo's you get monthly,

but weekly or daily.

He's experienced extreme fatigue.

Nausea.

Stomach Ailments.

Many aches and pains.

Mouth sores,

Throat cankers,

Odd rashes,

and insomnia.

Kidney failure.

Many hospital stays.

Through it all he has worked full time 

(Most of the time).

He's been the best dad.

I'm sorry, but I'm positive there is none better.

He's been the most supportive husband.

He's provided for us.

Made us laugh daily.

Bought us ice-cream.
Made us watch football.

Yelled at every soccer game/dance recital.

Been patient when I ask "Does my hair look ok?"

(Cause, really, he doesn't care).

Through it all we have wondered when we would

run out of drug options-and prayed for many miracles.

And we've had a few.

But that time has come.

Our most recent scan shows a pretty sizable amount

of growth, in pretty much all of the current areas his cancer lies.

We've exhausted all of our treatment options.

Yes, there are a few drugs we haven't tried,

but they are pretty much in the same drug type as ones we've used,

so the chances of them working are nil.

We've prepared for this.

We've known it would come,

but man,

it sucks.

There isn't an eloquent way to put it.

It sucks real bad.

We are going to try to enjoy what time we have left.

We know there isn't enough of it,

but we are gonna do our best to spoil each other while we can.

 We are gonna do our best to remind our kids,

every single day,

that while they may not always have a dad here with them,

they had a dad who fought like hell to be with them as long as he could.

Last week Travis and I celebrated our 11th anniversary.

Today-I am reminded how honored I am to have been able to be by his side

and his partner while he fights.  I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

We appreciate our TRAVSTRONG family who has supported us 

so much through it all.  We love you.

Pictures. Lots of pictures. And a small update.

A quick update:

Travis is doing pretty good right now.

Been handling side effects as well as possible

and we've been able to enjoy life for a few weeks,

which we have reveled in!

He has had an infection in his kidney,

but we are hoping that it is finally going away...

crossing our fingers.

 Labs have been ok,

and we are getting geared up for a scan in the next few weeks.

When that happens,

I will update more.

 

 

But for now,

I was going through my pictures for our family blog and

I realized I have a lot of 'cancer related' pictures that have no home!

So,

here's a sneak peak into our glamorous behind the scenes.

Please, try not to get jealous.

Trav came home from a hospital stay to a house full of balloons from friends.

Amazing, amazing friends.

 Sonic.

It's helpful.

 The ladies sneaking into dads bed.

I can't remember what  stay this is for?

 Love notes.

 Snuggle time.

And also, melt my heart time.

 A visit.

 And a reason to smile.

 And another.

 Reflection in the hospital chair/bed.

Right now I was thinking about my bangs.

I'm sure.

 Dad.

Brought his cup for a visit.

 And more karaoke night!

Adore every single person featured below.

 Especially him.

{Late Night Ramblings}

 (Sometimes when I blog late at night, I wonder if' I'll regret it in the morning...)

I wrote a post a few days ago,

and it was a jumbled mess...so I didn't publish it.

It was pretty much a detailed report of our latest trip to the hospital.

I'm gonna spare you that post.

The gist of it was this:

Travis was in a lot of pain in his lower back/rib area.

Not sure why it hit him SO hard, SO fast,

but we rushed to the ER twice,

and were admitted the second time.

I'll spare you the details about the horrific amount of pain he was in.

But it was a lot.

I wont go into too much detail about how one of the pain meds they gave him refused to 

flush through his poorly working kidney,

making him forgetful, hallucinate, and be completely incoherent.

Funny for a second,

and then really sad.

I was worried he wasn't gonna find himself again.

Oh and that drug also made him have violent, violent jerking he couldn't control.

Think turrets.

I wont tell you exactly what happened when he was given a drug

to control the jerks that he was allergic too.

It was scary.

And sad.

And I'm glad we were at the hospital where they knew what to do.

He was given a nerve block and is home and recovering well,

but it is taking some time.

The pain is better, 

but he is exhausted and has resumed chemo.

It's hard to recover from such a week

when you are filling yourself with poison.

But you know T...

he can't wait to get back to work!

This trip was hard on all of us.

Hard on Travis for the obvious reasons.

So hard on the kids.

Each time he goes in they worry.

And get really homesick,

 (which is funny, because they could go days without coming 

home if we were here...but when we were at the hospital they needed us.)

And it's hard on me.

And for some reason this time was the hardest yet.

It wasn't as terrifying as when his kidney almost failed.

But trying to balance taking care of him,

and being the mom my kids need me to be,

and remembering to eat...

it just was a lot to take in.

And now that we are home,

I've had a hard time kicking back into gear.

I'm tired.

Trav's tired.

When we come home from the hospital,

it's not like things are great and wonderful again.

Travis still has stage 4 cancer.

That has been spreading the past few months.

That we can't find a drug to control.

And each time we go to the hospital it is a reminder of how hard

things will eventually become.

It's an ugly storm.

 I want to change it.

So much it hurts.

And it's summer.

I want to be out there with the rest of the world!

A selfish way to feel, I know, but part of the journey I guess.

This summer we haven't been able to do a thing.

And can't really plan anything, because it's just too hard.

I see others going on vacations,

or even simple day trips to bear lake-and I feel sad for my kids

because this year, we can't really do anything.

I don't resent anyone who gets to do these things...

just wish we were there along with you.

Thank goodness my kids have such great 

neighborhood friends.

I don't think they've realized how little they've done this summer.

And today, 

our air conditioner broke.

It felt like the last straw.

I was feeling extremely sorry for myself.

My Dad came to help and asked when the last time I 

had changed the filter was,

and I seriously lost it.

I can't wrap my head around all the jobs that Trav has done for so long.

The filter?

How the crap do I know when it was last changed?

And I'm trying to learn about our sprinkling system...

And our disposal broke the other day....

and apparently our alan wrench was the wrong size,

so I couldn't fix it.

You see.

I've been a bit overwhelmed.

Tonight though,

I've had a change of heart.

We left our extremely hot house 

and went to my parents for some air.

We played some games with my family.

Travis won them both.

A sure sign that he is improving.

And then came home.

I tucked sweet Roo in first.

I tickled her as I hugged her 

(Her favorite)

and watched her almond eyes squish shut completely because she 

was smiling so big.

I smooched her firm-rosy cheeks 

and instantly felt so crummy for how ungrateful I've been the past

few weeks.

I hope I never forget that little squished up face

scrunched up on her pillow.

It was an eye opener and a slap in the face.

I felt a little lighter when I snuck into Ady's room

to tuck her in.

She's older.

I sometimes try to do the 'hug/tickle' like I do to Sienna,

so she doesn't feel left out,

but she's now old enough that I only get a sympathy laugh.

Tonight Adyson just wanted to chat.

Her eyes were looking extremely blue,

and she was looking extremely grown up.

She talked about what "her calling in life is".

(Right now, it's to be a swimmer).

And when I told her tonight how hard she'd have to work at it,

she looked at me like "duh mom."

And when I told her I think she's beautiful,

she told me the same thing.

She is growing up to be quite a lovely little thing

who is always surprising us.

I'm so grateful for that kid.

I'm so grateful for them both.

 I'm gonna try real hard to pull myself out of this slump.

I think it's completely ok to sink down in it for a while.

We all do that when we are struggling, right?

But while I've been so blue about all the things that 

are missing in our life right now,

I've forgotten how blessed I am that Travis is here.

And that we have the sweetest girls who could light up the darkest room.

I'm not naive.

I know that there are days that I'm gonna feel like I'm drowning.

Watching Travis suffer is just so hard,

and sometimes I'm gonna let myself feel it all with him.

But I hope I can remind myself 

that I have a little face to smooch till she can't breathe she's laughing so hard,

and another little one who just wants to talk to me for as long as I'll let her.

And I am gonna be thankful that I have a husband who will fight through 

whatever is thrown his way.

We are sure grateful for how taken care of we've been

the past few weeks...months...years.

We came home to so many baskets,

cards, gifts, treats...

not to mention the lovely e-mails,

texts and messages sent our way.

For those who have asked,

what can you do?

Right now, we really don't need much.

Still need some privacy.

visitors are hard because

Travis needs to rest,

and when he can,

he does.

 We have been so taken care of already.

Just keep him in your prayers!

Love to all. 

{Kareoke Night and the plan}

First thing first:

In my last post I wrote we were trying to make some hard 

choices about treatment options.

We knew the day after I wrote that post,

that it was time to say goodbye to CABO.

Travis was rapidly getting worse.

We really were living in a quite depressing haze.

So,

we have decided to try another drug called Votrient.

It's comparable to Sutent, which he has already done...

and really hated.  It was tough.

But, it did give him some stability-but the side effects are tough.

Not as tough as CABO maybe, 

but tough.

 Now, will it work?

I am trying to be optimistic,

but Sutent wasn't our answer,

so I'm betting Votrient wont be also. 

Why are we trying it?

 Because our next drug we'd like to try

(called afinitor),

which was a lot like the first drug (Torisel),

that worked for 4 beautiful years...

will most likely put Travis on dialysis.

5 hours a day,

3 days a week.

And it makes you feel pretty awful,

on top of the side effects of the chemo.

You see the dilemma?

 Trav's createnine has been dropping.

I am just crossing every crossable body part 

that it will continue to do so while he tries out

Votrient,

so if/when it does fail,

we can try afinitor without dialysis.

When I write it down it doesn't sound very promising or good...

but I'm having a hard time feeling worried, sad, or blue.

Why?

Because Travis has been off of chemo for a week now,

and he feels decent!

It's heaven.

We went to lunch the other day and I literally teared up with joy on the

way home.  It's been heaven.

We've laughed so much.  And been out!  Of the house!

It has been a very sweet reminder of how much we really like each other.

 We always know we love each other..

but between feeling sick and force feedings and all that comes along with it,

it's easy to forget that 

we. have. fun. together.

I've just loved this past week.

I don't want it to end....

But, I am grateful that he has been able to gain some strength,

and weight (5 lbs last week!)

(His appetite is back in full force.  He had 2 lunches today!)

and as soon as insurance approves us,

we will start.

I am really stocking up all this joy to get us through the next step.

Second:

A fundraiser was held in our honor Wednesday night.

My friend from high school's son-Mason, had cancer when he was 18 months old.

Michelle and I really had lost touch by this point,

but cancer gives people a bond...the club no one wants to join,

and we were able to reconnect.

Today, Mason is a very happy, very healthy, and VERY adorable and loved

little boy of 7 (who I'm hoping will date Sienna when he's older...).

Since then, Michelle has started a foundation called TEAM MASON.

They chose our family to hold a karaoke night for,

and I can't even begin to tell you how fun it was!

Travis was feeling good,

we had our closest family members there,

some of our very dearest friends,

and a lot of really bad singing.

I haven't laughed that hard in MONTHS!

I just wanted to thank those who attended,

who spent hours of their time for us, and to those

who have supported us along the way.

We are beyond touched by the generosity of others,

and cannot tell you what it does to our frame of mind to see such a support system.

We are lifted up in so many ways.

There isn't a great way for me to express how loved we feel,

and how incredibly grateful we are,

but it is genuine, and our hearts are incredibly full.

I hope someday I am in a season to give back the way so many have given to us.

Here is a link to some pics capturing the night.

 

 

CABO-The worst named drug ever.

Well, 

we've resumed CABO.

I'll say it again,

the name is misleading and just wrong.

It should be named 

Pocatello.

Or Mesquite?

I don't think I'll ever vacation to CABO.

This drug has ruined me.

I mentioned in our last post that we 

were gonna try again,

and pray that the side effects stayed minimal.

A week ago Monday Travis got his Stint replaced in his Kidney,

and the next day he took his first dose.

 We've opted to do 5 days on, and 2 off...

mostly so we had something to look forward to.

 "Come Friday night you don't have to take a pill!"

It gets him through.

Anyhow, the first 3 days weren't that bad.

Just some serious nausea...

but he was able to snap out of it by 12ish and work the afternoons.

He took the weekend off and then resumed again Sunday night.

Monday morning it was apparent that this week wasn't gonna be easy.

He wakes up to SEVERE nausea.

And it may lessen a bit, but it doesn't really go away.

Along with the nausea, there is some pretty back bone aches.

We knew they could come with this drug,

but they are lessening and are making life pretty tough on T.

 And then there are the stomach issues.

The pain is different then the enteritis,

but it's there all the same.

 This makes eating tough.

He's very thin.

And dropping weight rapidly, and that's worrisome for me.

 In this week alone he dropped 6 lbs.

 (On a less serious note:  I stress eat.  I'm thinking we aren't so evenly matched!)

He hasn't been able to go in to work all week,

which is a whole different post.

I  have tried to make our cancer blog upbeat, and happy,

but mostly I want it to be honest and accurate,

and so I'm done apologizing for it being a downer.

 Because it's just how it is right now.

I wake up every morning and ready the ladies for the day,

and wait for Travis to wake up to see what the day will be like.

 Most mornings, he drags himself to the couch fighting the urge to throw up.

Most of the time his coloring is off, and it's obvious that he is fighting 

about 5 different ailments.

At some point he rallys and is able to shower,

but somedays, he doesn't quite make it.

I get it,

at some point you just call the day a loss and hope for a better tomorrow.

During this time,

I'm trying to make him as comfortable as possible,

and nagging the crap out of him to eat,

and doing my best to ensure the ladies are still having a good summer...

and it's overwhelming for all of us.

I get just a little envious of people who are out doing summery things!

The other day I went to a wedding shower for about a half hour and realized

that was the first time I've seen my friends in a solid month.

(This isn't a complaint, there is no where I'd rather be then taking care of Travis,

but man, our life has changed!)

So here we are again,

trying to make some tough choices.

Do we give up a drug that is potentially working and extending life,

but also makes him feel more like he's dying then living?

Or does he keep on this path?

We have a few more options that we could try,

but they are pretty much like ones we've tried before,

that have failed...so the odds of them working aren't great.

And most likely, they will put him on dialysis.

We got his blood drawn today and will have a little

chat with the Dr. tomorrow to make some of these tough 

choices.

I have no words to express how hard it is to watch Travis suffer.

It's unfair.

I'd do just about anything to take him out

for a day of fun and no pain,

and just wish I could make it go away.

We are well aware of how tough our future is,

and we've known for a long time of what we may 

someday face...

but man,

I don't think anything really prepares you for how hard the entire battle can be.

 I wish for ignorance sometimes. :)

We have appreciated those who have really been there for us 

the past few months as it seems, we've been thrown more curve balls then we'd care for.

We have many who text daily just to see what they can do for him,

and it's just nice to know that while people may not completely understand,

they still know what's going on.

We also are appreciative of friends who understand why I am lacking in many areas right now.

Someday I will remember every bday again...and I'll make dinners when others are sick,

and I'll offer to watch your kids for a change!

We are so grateful for those who understand our shortcomings right now!

Tonight you can pray for a better day tomorrow and

for some help making the tough choices we have ahead.

We love our TRAVSTRONG family!

Also,
This is being held for our family next week.
I feel completely awkward writing about it,
but the amazing people who are running it have spent a whole
lot of time for us,
and we are so grateful.
If you are coming,
they would love for you to get tickets early..so they know how
many to plan on.  I don't want this to be any more stressful to them then it already has been!
xoxo

{Our Second Home...}

It seems our second home these days is the

Hospital.

They have unlimited Diet Coke and a blanket warmer...

so it's not all bad.

Last post I wrote about how nice it was to have him 

home and how we were trying to get back in the swing of things.

Well, he was able to work for a week (maybe 2?  It's all a blur.)

And he was getting stronger daily,

and feeling fairly decent on his chemo.

Then the chemo side effects just started getting worse.

The Nausea.

Man, it's bad.

And the usual stomach issues that come along with it.

But then he started getting stomach cramps.

Not your normal cramps..

but it felt like someone had their hand inside his stomach and

was twisting his guts around.

For a solid week he was experiencing this pain off and on,

on top of all the other side effects,

some days he didn't even feel well enough to shower.

We met with the Dr. on a Friday and got some meds that 

we were hoping would help the cramping and pain,

but that evening the pain got worse,

and worse...

and we found ourselves in the ER again.

(Thank goodness, no ambulance was needed.)

The drug he is on has some pretty serious, 

albeit rare,

but serious side effects.

Fistulas being one,

and perforated bowel being another.

Those are hard enough for healthy people.

but for someone who has been through what Trav has been through,

they are pretty scary.

I was positive that this was the case,

so we were very relieved,

after a CT scan,

to find that these bad options were not the case for Travis.

Instead he had a swollen intestine (Enteritis),

that was causing all the pain.

For normal people,

they will send you home knowing that this will go away,

but for Trav,

(Who-I've decided, isn't quite normal:),

they admitted him in the hospital.

 Undergoing chemo, and with the cancer,

he is more apt to catch some ugly diseases and bacteria,

and they needed to rule those out,

and help him manage the pain.

I'm not being sarcastic when I say that I was beyond happy to have him there.

It was such a horrible week at home.

He was in constant pain,

not eating,

not sleeping,

and I was beside myself with how to help him.

It was lovely to have people there to know what to do to help him survive the week!

After running all the tests,

the answer came to this:

It's probably caused because of the chemo.

This is a bit of a blow.

We wish it was caused by something else,

so we could take some antibiotics, get rid of it,

and fight with this chemo.

 We don't necessarily love this chemo,

in fact, we loathe it.  It is the hardest drug Trav's tried,

and I'd wager, one of the hardest chemo drugs available for RCC.

BUT..it seems his kidney can handle it.

And,

after meeting with the Dr. yesterday and reviewing scans,

it seems to be working for him.

He had no new growth in his kidney or liver.

And while the scans didn't show his ribs...

we both know it is working for his bone mets.

That new pain I wrote about in my last post,

is gone.

And while he has been on the CABO,

his normal rib pain has been much better...

and now that he's taken a 2 week break,

he can feel it again.

So-here is where we are at.

He can try the CABO again, 

and risk the enteritis and pain again.

Or he can move on.

Keeping in mind that moving on means we've exhausted

another drug, and there aren't many left.

 Not near enough.

And also keeping in mind that the next drug may not work.

 And also keeping in mind, that the next drug-will probably put him on dialysis

as the one we are thinking of is pretty hard on your kidneys.

(I should mention that the kidney is functioning slightly better..

still not near where it should be, but his createnine was at 3.4 yesterday.)

We are in a tight spot here.

So here's what we've decided.

We are gonna give the CABO another go.

I'm dreading it.

Not gonna lie.

The past few days have been so lovely.

Having Travis seem semi himself has just been heaven.

The other day we went to lunch!  And to Lowes!

I know, for some of you this seems a silly thing to be excited about,

but we haven't been out together in a very long time.

 If errands get ran, I do them very quickly and worry about him the whole time.

I literally teared up on the way into town.

But we aren't stupid.

We know that our options are low,

and none of them are great...

so here we go again.

Thank you for your continued prayers,

and for taking such great care of our family.

We are so blessed.