{My place in Life}

Among the long list of things I'm learning to navigate,

or tying to navigate,

or sometimes completely failing to navigate,

is me trying to find my place in life again.

When Trav's illness started affecting him the point that leaving the house was to big of a chore,

I remember feeling really lost.

Sometimes at night after Travis would fall asleep,

I would mourn the loss of our old life.

I remember just crying-big fat ugly tears and thinking life couldn't feel harder.

(Ha!)

I remember feeling like I was losing him.

Knowing that he was dying, even though we hadn't heard those words yet,

it was just so painfully clear to me that it was coming.

And I hated watching him lose himself.

 It was unbearably hard-and I look back thinking 

"I cannot believe I made it through that".

But, I still had my place.

It was by his side.

And I had Travis.

And I could tell him exactly how I felt, no matter how hard it was to say,

or for him to hear....I had him.  And my place.

So while everything in the world felt wrong....it also felt right.

But now,

that little pocket of safety Travis always provided for me,

and that safe spot that comes along with marriage is gone.

And

I just don't fit in anywhere anymore.

That-well that just makes me miss him all the more.

I have wonderful, wonderful friends.

They are thoughtful, incredibly giving, caring, hilarious, and ALWAYS there for me.

And while I never regret any of our fun nights,

they always end with me coming home feeling a bit out of sorts, 

because it's clear that I'm not 

"one of them" 

anymore.

I can't join in conversations about marriage anymore.

I can't complain about him coming home late from work,

not helping with yard work,

not saying thank you for dinner or helping with the kids.

No more big group dates with our friends,

and man, I miss that.  I miss seeing their husbands chat with T about golf,

about neighbors, yard work, work and whatever else those men chatted about.

 I miss just taking it all in and seeing that side of Travis.

Sometimes these conversations happen and I just feel so outside of myself.

I miss that pocket of safety.

Even with family,

I've lost my comfort.

Travis was my partner-

in every game we played...(which was many!),

he was my partner....team game or no.

He would pick on me last,

and if I won (which was not as often as he!)

He'd always say, "If I couldn't win, I'm glad you did." 

He made us an even number-and we went hand in hand everywhere we went.

So now,

I sometimes feel like an intruder going alone.

I feel strange asking them to dinner, or anywhere...

because instead of saying

"wanna come with us to dinner?"

It's 

"wanna come with me?

And that seems so strange to all of us.

So I don't really fit in there either.

Not that that stops me from coming, or trying, 

but it just doesn't feel right-and I wonder if it ever will.

My friends and family are incredibly sensitive to me. 

(I can bet that as they are reading this, they are probably on a group text about how they 

need to be more careful when I'm around...FRIENDS: no.  That's not the point of this post. And FAMILY, no, I don't mean that anyone should change!

Because if I have to get used to  feeling awkward and out of place, I'd rather do it with you then anyone else!)

I love my friends and family, and wanna make it clear that this post is by no means to call anyone out,

because my support system is the absolute best,

it's just my life has changed so drastically,

and....

I feel like a misfit.

I have made some really lovely friends who are also widows.

We met by social media....my first time meeting someone via the Internet...

my sweet Dad was nervous they might be axe murderers....

They aren't.

They are lovely, amazing, strong women who have gone through a lot.

I mean, I don't feel like it's my place to share their stories,

but wow.  These women.  

Amazing ladies and instantly dear friends.

I thought I would meet with them and feel like I had my place again...

people who were just like me!

And while they completely understood so much of what I've gone through the past few months,

and some of the daily challenges we all face,

I still don't fit in 100%.

(And I am sure that they could say the same thing: One has twins, and has raised them all alone their entire life span, one has a toddler-and her husband had brain cancer-and she surely faced some things that the rest of us didn't face, and one has no kids to carry her sweet husbands life with her....)

So while we all get each other, and understand a lot about each other...

we, together, don't fit into a seamless puzzle-and we won't ever understand exactly what every journey has been like.

I'm older then all of them.

(Is that not the saddest thing you've ever heard.....I think I'm a young widow...but these girls are just painfully young and it's heartbreaking, and makes me feel pretty blessed that I had the years I had with T.  These girls didn't get enough time.  I didn't either, but they reallllly didn't...if that makes sense.)

They have either no kids, or really young ones,

and they've been widows for a good while longer then me.

I wanted someone to be just like me.

I wanted someone who had kids my exact age,

and understood our cancer battle...who did the same treatments, the same amount of time.

Same tumors, same locations, same ages...and someone who faced

awful death that Travis faced...

and on the drive home I thought about this and felt a little sad that I didn't find that pocket I've been

missing so much....

And then I realized that the only person who would ever fill that void,

is Travis.

No one will ever know exactly how our life changed together.

No one will understand how cancer changed us, as a couple, and just as people, 

and ultimately how death changed us.

And I had to face the hard fact: 

my place is gone.

It left with Travis,

and I have to find it again on my own.

I have to fill the void-the void of not fitting in, or knowing where I stand,

with common ground.  With patience with myself and others.

I can't be upset when I have nothing to contribute to the marriage conversation.

I will not be angry or hurt when my friends vent about marriage.

I will be grateful that I had that. 

I will be grateful that I once had that spot...that great spot where your thoughts are understood

by someone else, and you had a partner even in a game that shouldn't have been a team game.

And I will learn to let that go, as much as I can, because if I don't, I wont easily find my place again.

As I've written this post,

one I've been thinking about for a good few months,

I've had to stop to tuck in Roo.

Get her a water bottle.

Adysons asked if she can just read "one more chapter" twice.

And I feel so completely in my element that I can't imagine me ever feeling like I don't have a place...

so obviously, Travis lives on in them,

and my pocket overflows when they are around.

Socially-I'm an outcast.

At home-I'm content.  And I think that's progress.  A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to say that.

So progress is being made. I didn't see it till now, but it is being made.

I guess, for now, that's enough.

{happy birthday travis}

Trav's Birthday is May 2nd.

He would have turned 39.

I've been full of dread for another first to come my way...

and Trav's Birthday felt like an extremely hard first.

I still sometimes can't really imagine how we keep moving on without him.

I still love and adore him, and miss him so dearly.

(Travis, in his favorite city in Spain, Aranjuez, in the princesses garden at the palace)

I loved everything about this special day with him.

I loved the train ride-where I dozed on his shoulder.

I loved eating my first Spanish tortilla on the streets while we watched

old grandfathers picking up their grand kids for the mediadia.

I loved meeting his friends there.

I loved watching him have so much zest for life that day...

I really miss that.

I loved watching him read the Spanish newspaper on the way back...

and I loved holding his hand in Madrid when twilight came.

I cherish our memories.

I was incredibly appreciative of my friends and family for realizing that

this wasn't an easy day.

We are so blessed to always be remembered, and it means so much to me.

We received gifts from friends,

cards in the mail,

and these lovely flowers were left on my porch with a card that said 

"Flowers for T's girls".

So thoughtful.

And everyone wore orange.

This touched my heart so deeply....

All of my friends, all of the girls friends, and even half the staff at their school wore orange to 

honor Travis.

These reminders that we still have a lot of support shown our way do a lot for my soul!

I took the girls after school the the cemetery,

so we could spend a few minutes alone with him.

When we got there,

there was an older man visiting the grave next to his.

I've noticed her headstone before...and it's confused me a bit.

Most of the stones near him are new,

and this one looks new,

but she passed quite a long time ago.

We chatted with him for quite a while.

He was in the military and stationed in California,

and his daughter, Sally,  passed when she was just 1 year old.

She was buried there, and then after he retired the rest of the family moved here.

Last year they decided to move her here,

and her headstone is always marked with flowers,

and a lot of love.

He is a golfer,

and a very proud Daddy to only daughters,

and was very touched to hear our story.

We left promising we'd watch over each others loved ones.

It was a nice little moment,

and I wont go visit Travis without remembering Sally as well.

I had only planned on having our immediate family over to the cemetery to let off balloons,

because I didn't want to ask people to come and make them feel obligated....

and then people kept asking if they could come.

I was so touched by this.

I basically only put it here on the blog and so many lovely souls showed up to celebrate him.

Sometimes we forget that ALL of us are grieving for T. 

Not just our family, but our friends, and my friends who hold my hand through it.

This meant more to me then anything else.

There are no words for the comfort it brings me to remember that I'm not alone 

in my grief, or that Travis is always, always loved and remembered.

We all brought orange balloons with a note attached about how we will

try to be better, for Travis, this year.

A fitting gift, I think.

My father in law said a lovely prayer,

and then we sang Happy Birthday.

I held up okay,

until then.

I just ached while everyone sang,

and still ache when I think about it.

I don't want time to go on without him,

but I want it to go reallly fast so I can be back with him.

It's an awfully strange feeling-and something I don't really understand myself.

I am so glad Travis is free of pain,

because no one,

not even me, I'm sure,

really understands how awful things really got for him....

but I'm just selfish enough that I would do pretty much anything to have him

here again.  

We survived it through another first.

I'm really quite proud of these girls, and of myself.: )

Our Families.

We came home to a cake from one of my best friends,

and most thoughtful people I know, Lorinda.

I loved it!

To End:

39 things I love-and/or miss about Travis

in absolutely no order whatsoever.

I should note that this list could go on and on and on....and on.

1-I miss cooking for him. Terribly.  The girls complain a lot.

2-I miss his big, belly laugh.  It hurt him pretty bad to laugh that hard, because of his tumor in his rib,

but he would clutch it, while tears of joy were flowing and say "It hurts...." all while cracking up.

I know this sounds mean...but a few of you will know exactly what I'm talking about, and it was as joyful as things get.

3-I miss hearing him watch anything sports related on TV.

I could be in another room and hear him yelling at the TV.  And half the time he couldn't have cared less who was playing....

4-I miss his sarcasm and wit.

5-I miss his nerd speak.

6-I miss him snuggling with his girls.

7-I miss seeing him be the fabulous father that he was.

There aren't words to express how perfect his love for the girls was.

8-I miss him warming my feet in bed.

9-I miss watching him eat cereal standing up.

10-I miss rubbing his neck.

11- I miss holding his hand in the car.

12-I love the things he passed on to his kids...like how Sienna has his eyes,

and Adyson clearly has his sarcasm.

13-I love remembering every vacation we ever took

14-I miss him filling the car up with gas, even when it's cold outside.

15-I miss him killing the spiders!

16-I miss sitting by him in church and rubbing his back.

17-I miss making him pretzels on Sunday afternoon.

18-I miss hearing all about his day...

19-And I miss telling him about mine.

20-I miss settlers of Catan nights.

21-I miss seeing him bit the neck of his shirts.

22-I miss his socks hanging off his feet.

23-I miss nightly family prayers and his words of wisdom.

24-I miss having someone to share my fears with...

25-and someone to celebrate my victories with.

26-I miss cheering with him at Roo's soccer games.

27-And beaming with pride when Adyson excels at school.

28-I miss his friendship with my brother.  He helped unite my family...and I'm forever grateful for it.

29-I miss him telling me I'm beautiful.  Even in those moments when I clearly wasn't!

30-I miss yelling at him for leaving his port bandaid in the shower... NEVER thought I'd say that.

31-I miss sitting on our front porch feeling the sun on our faces together.

32-I miss kissing him goodbye.

33-I miss him kissing me goodbye.

34-I miss the security of having him around.

35-I miss his knowledge of all these electronics....I'm sometimes cursing him for help!

36-I miss his smile.

37-I miss chatting about our future.

38-I miss his voice. So incredibly much.

39-And I miss our life together.  This wont ever change.

Happy Birthday Travis.

I hope you got our balloons, felt our love, and shot a hole in one in Heaven.

You are loved.

And you are missed!

6 Months

6 months and counting...

Over half a year has come and gone.

No words for how odd that seems.

I still pull out my phone to text him at least once a day.

And the other day I randomly grabbed his favorite Gatorade at the store....

I know at some point this will stop.

Our life has changed in so many ways since Travis passed away.

I truly wonder if I could see our old life again,

would I even remember what it was like?

For a long time the thought of forgetting Travis made me physically ill.

The thought of forgetting the good stuff...

our really happy moments still makes my heart ache.

I wish I could remember every silly moment,

every movie night,

every date,

and every lazy morning....I hate that I already have forgotten a lot.

But I feel incredibly sure that there are things I will never forget.

I wont forget the little hazel flecks in his green eyes.

I wont forget the way his head would roll back when I'd rub his neck,

or even the little mole that was right near his shirt collar.

I wont forget the feel of his hands.

I wont forget holding them while I drive...I loved that.

I can easily recall the feel of his hair,

see his long toes clearly in my head,

and I can visualize the way he looked at me when he was teasing me.

And I still remember his voice.

The girls each have stuffed bears with a recorded message from T on them.

Now and then I'll accidentally bump one and when I hear his voice my heart drops.

I miss his voice most of all.

I'd like a recording that says

"Hayley, I love you.  You are doing great.  Those pants make you look thin...

and I miss you."

But hey....I'll settle for memories, I guess.

So 6 months down and I have a clear picture of my husband in my head,

and I can't imagine that ever leaving me.

I haven't written a lot about how the girls are doing.

I feel completely fine venting my aches and pain on the blog,

but I don't feel okay about showing the world their story,

because it's not mine to tell.

I will say that this is harder then I ever imagined for them,

and I wish there was a manual that could tell me exactly what to say,

and what to do to help.

They are doing this differently, the two of them.

They are amazingly strong, and seem to pick me up more then I do them,

and for that,

I am beyond grateful.

I will say that they have changed, each in their own way,

and we are doing our best to make sure that they find the light that they have always had.

Being in grade school they are fighting to survive with

 kids who have no clue what their life is like.

6 months is a life time for little kids,

so to them,

it seems like our life should be normal by now.

(In fact, I'm fairly certain a lot of adults think the same thing about me...

but I can ignore that really easily!)

They've been told that they are 

"popular because their dad died"...

and a few kids have talked to them

about their dad being "buried in the ground."

and have had a few other instances that have really hurt....

They come home and mama bear wants to go and kick these little kids in the shins!

(I haven't...but the thought has crossed my mind!)

But then there are kids who are so kind and thoughtful.

Kids who can just tell when one of them is feeling sad,

so they write a nice note or give a giant hug.

Sienna even got this darling picture in her birthday book.

I just adore this kid...even though I have no idea who he is.

The girls though,

have more good days then bad.

I think they are taking steps every day towards happiness,

and normalcy.

I am learning the best ways to help them,

and each day I'm forcing them to step outside of their new comfort zone and help it expand

a bit.

Day by day we are getting there.

Be patient with them.

Try to remember how uprooted they've been.

So half a year.

I miss him terribly.

I miss the big things that are pretty obvious...

But I really miss the small stuff too....

I miss not always being good cop and bad cop.

I'd kill for someone else to put them to bed sometimes.

And for someone to quickly run to the grocery store to grab that one thing I forgot...

I'd be happy if someone else could make decisions about the finances,

and I'd love for someone to remind me about oil changes.

I would love for my kids to be able to go out and practice soccer and basketball

with someone who could actually help them.

And I wouldn't hate a night where sad thoughts didn't creep into someones brain...

But we've done it now for half a year,

and I guess we will shoot for another 6 months and see where we are at. :)

I'm pretty grateful we have made it this far.
And I'm incredibly thankful to those of you who have helped us get this far.

Friday is Trav's birthday.
We are meeting at the cemetery at 6:30 for a quick balloon release...
if any of our friends want to come and join us,
bring an orange balloon and let me know you are coming.  We've made
some lovely tags to go on the balloons and I will send some your way.
It will be very short and sweet,
but we couldn't let the day go by without making sure his life is celebrated.

The stages

Last week I spent the week in California with some of my girlfriends.

I was surrounded by people who I adore,

and who seem to really like me most of the time...

I was also surrounded by the glorious, beautiful ocean.

And the sun!

And even spent a day at Disneyland.

The absolute happiest place on Earth..

depending on who you are...
(I'm talking to you: Julie Redd).

One night on the way back to our hotel we stopped by the Newport Temple.

It was dusk.

The sun was setting, and it was cooling down.

And the sunset had a lovely shade of orange.

It was very peaceful and very quiet-with only one other couple there.

As soon as I stepped out of the car I felt incredibly lonely.

I was surrounded by a lot of love,

but man,

there really aren't any words to express how much my heart ached right then.

I kept my sunglasses on while I did my best to hide the tears.

For some reason,

that moment was a big one for me.

I accepted months ago that my life with Travis was over.

That he is gone, and that I have to figure things out without him.

But that moment,

it really hit me hard.

And Eternity felt (and feels) very, very, very far away.

It's spring break for my kids this week.

We obviously don't have big plans because we took our vacation last month,

but tonight they are off at a friends having a sleepover.

Months ago I would have reveled in the quiet.

Trav and I would have enjoyed each other and probably watched

whatever our hearts desired-

and I would have had him to take care of.

But being here alone:

I just miss them.

And I really hate the quiet, and the loneliness that comes my way.

I do not want to be a mom that suffocates her kids,

or expects them to be her happiness...

I really have to constantly remind myself that they need to have 

the most regular life they can,

and I wont hold them back.

But I do miss them, and once again, I find myself missing my old life immensely.

There are times that I'm in awe that we've made it almost 6 months without him.

And then there are times that I'm fairly certain I can't go through another day.

I've read about the 'steps of grief' that everyone is supposed to experience,

and I really don't see myself anywhere on that chart.

And I don't think I've gone through a lot of this...

which makes me wonder if i will?

If I did sometime during our cancer journey-making this happen before he actually passed?

Or maybe I did got through it and didn't see it?

But either way---

-I certainly am not in denial, though at times I kinda wish I was.

-I'm not angry. Sad? Yes. Angry? No.

-I'm not bargaining.  I have always felt, and still maintain that we did all we could-

and I'll just say it.  I was a pretty awesome caregiver.

-I am not depressed.  I may seem like it when I blog,

because I vent my heart out here.

But my life is still very full and happy.
And the happy days outweigh the sad ones.
And I even cook dinner sometimes,
and am trying to run again,
and I do my hair most days!

-And I've accepted this life.

I've accepted all the curve balls that have been thrown my way.

I truly believe that the Lord has a plan for all of us,

and I fully believe that we are doing all we can to make the best of it all.

And I've accepted that my love is gone.
I don't like it.
But I've accepted it.

 A friend sent this my way the other day and it spoke to me.

When I look at it this way,
I'm reminded that I'm one of the lucky ones.
I am so blessed to have someone I miss this much.
And I bet he's missing me and the ladies too...
for some reason that comforts me an awful lot!

We are still surviving and doing our best around here.
As always,
I'm incredibly thankful to the friends and family members who constantly take care of me.
I'm thankful to the parents who help their children understand how to help my kids,
and who have gone out of their way to make sure we are all happy.
I am beyond blessed.
And always so thankful.

{Spring Decor}

Spring Decor.

The ladies and I were thrilled to find orange pinwheels.

It warms our hearts to be able to make something beautiful for our Travis.

Miss him every day.

{Inside my head}

I've known for a long time that the day would come where

I would be a widow.

I knew I'd miss Travis, terribly.

I knew it would be hard.

I knew I'd have to play mom, and also dad.

I knew I'd have to pay the bills, kill the spiders,

and scare of boys when the girls are teenagers.

And I knew it would be unbearable at times.

 But...

grief, grief that is part of you, and that at times is your whole world...

it comes with a lot of other crap that you just didn't see coming.
And sometimes,
it really messes with your head.

This post is one I've debated about a million times.

I've mentioned that writing does a lot of good for my soul,

but I certainly filter a lot of my thoughts out for a few reasons.

1-Some of them may be too hard to read or feel.

and

2-Someone may have me committed if they knew the truth of what is going on

in my head!

A few widow friends, who are obviously braver them I am,

have put it all out there and I have no words to express the gratitude I've felt

when I realized that these thoughts are completely normal.

Yes, they make life feel pretty rotten at times,

but I think it is a completely natural part of the process.

 It's one I loathe, and it's been the hardest part of this ordeal for me personally.

(Besides the missing him, of course).

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Right?
I sure hope so.

So here you have it.
I really hope that in writing it,
another widow who may feel some of the sorrow I have felt,
will see that it's ok. And normal.

I'll start with sleep.

 I'm exhausted about 113% of the time.

I wrestle with my sadness while parenting, alone.

And by the time I put the kids to bed I can't wait to just sleep!

But I get in bed, and the sleep evades me.

I'm thrilled the 2 nights a week that sleep truly claims me.

 Most of the time there is just too much on my mind.

Trav's death was not peaceful.

It was anything but peaceful,

and some of those memories from that week will never leave me.

And once they get inside your head,

they like to stay a while.

I take a lot of comfort in the fact that Travis now understands

why that week was so hard.
Why those past few years were so hard.

He now knows that I was trying, really hard, to make it as easy as I could for him,

but I hate that he suffered so much in his death.
When I think about the pain he was in,
or how scared must have been at times,
my hear breaks into a million pieces.
I hate that I couldn't have done more.
I hate that he went through it.
And I hate that even though I really do know that I did all I could,
at times,
I still feel guilt about what occurred.

Those nights,

sleep evades me and by morning I feel on deaths door myself.

 Those nights are less and less.

But they still come occasionally.
And they are hard to shake.

Another thing I never, ever saw coming,

was doubt and worry for our future together.

 I've believed my whole life that if I make the right choices,
and do my best, I will get to live with my family for Eternity.
That thought alone carried Travis and I through the entire span of our marriage,
and especially through his cancer battle.
 I believe that we will be able

to live together for Eternity in Heaven.

And I can't wait for that day.
 

But,

there are times when the thought of

"will he still love me then?" 

pop into my head.

It's gonna be a while before I get to be with him again...
most likely a really long while.

 And I imagine what my life will be like till then.
I'm gonna make mistake after mistake.
I will do stupid things,
yell at our kids one too many times,
take things for granted,
mix up my priorities,
and basically do what we all do.
That's part of life.
Making mistakes and then trying not to make them,
over and over again.

 Then I think of what he will be doing until then.
I believe he will be watching over us.
Watching me screw up----again and again.
(I can see him shaking his head now!)
He will be teaching others about his beliefs.
And he will be getting better by the second.
I know he wont judge me.
He's already promised me that...

but will he still love me?
Will he be as excited to see me as I am to see him?

These thoughts are apparently,
a very normal part of grief...
at least according to my sweet group of widow friends.

I remind myself,

pretty much on a daily basis,

about how hard T fought to stay with me.

About the times that only I could make him feel better.

And about those moments that we had together,

where there was absolutely no doubts of our love.

And sometimes, when that's not enough,

I will read an old note, or his old journal,

or even look through a few old pictures and remember that

he does.

And he will.

I wish he was here to reassure me.

But I also wish he was here to help with math homework,

cleaning the garage,

and telling me I'm pretty.

What I'm saying is,

no matter what, big deal or small matter, I wish he was here.

 

It's been 5 months today since Travis left us.

And really,

my grief feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

But I do feel us moving forward little by litter.

 

We still miss him terribly.

We still have lots of uncertain moments in our life,

but I imagine that we always will.

We just keep moving forward.

Slowly. 

{An open Letter to T}

This blog has turned into a complete outlet for my grief.  In speaking with lots of my new found widow friends, I'm learning we all do it our own way.  Some of us hide, some of us move on quickly, others never want to.  Some write, some run, some paint, some haven't figured out what will help them yet.  Writing, it turns out, helps me.  (Also eating a sad amount of chocolate and peanut butter and taking a nap every day).  I don't think there is a wrong way, or a right way to do this.  I think it's just gotta be your way.  If you find this too open, or to vocal...you don't have to read it.  And if you think it's strange that I'm blogging an open letter to my T, well, it is a little, but it sure felt good to write.  Read on knowing that I haven't lost my marbles (completely) and I'm aware that this letter was more for me, then anyone else.


Dear Travis,

Well, first....I feel like you should know that I still really miss you.  That, I don't think, will ever change.  I'm getting used to not having you here.  That, in itself, is a double edged sword.  It's nice not aching constantly...but man, the fact that I'm used to it really is the pits. (Remember how my grandma loved to say things were "the pits"?  I bet you are hanging with her now.  I miss her.  Give her a love from me.)  Back to being used to you being gone makes me feel real sad and glad all at once.  I don't want to forget us.  We had some pretty fabulous times, and I'm currently undecided whether it was better to ache constantly, then to be used to you being gone-and forget our goodness.  I guess I'll keep you posted on that.

We went to Disneyland.  Without you.  That was strange....  The first night we walked into the big store downtown to shop.  I felt pretty empty not having you there, but the girls seemed ok.   Adyson acted real stressed out about what surprise she would bring home.  She stewed and stewed till there were actual tears.  Sometimes I forget that this is how she handles stress...she can do the big stuff pretty good.  Like you being gone.  She's amazing and strong and such a trooper.  But the choice: if she should get Minnie's Mouses house or the pillow pet brought tears.  We left the store with me being mad at her and her crying.  A few minutes later I looked at her to scold her and she just said "It's just not the same being her without him."  (You are the him.)  And then Sienna told me that just walking in the store gave her a tummy ache.  (Tummy ache=anxiety for Roo.)  We stood there under the tree, just a few feet away from our happy place, and we all cried a little.  Not for long, just a few tears, and then we decided you'd want us to smile.  And we did have some great laughs!  Grandma, Sue and Linsey kept us smiling and eating our way through the park.  I'm still full!  We talked about you a lot and I can't tell you how good it was for me to spend a week straight just being the fun mom, instead of good cop and bad cop all in one.  Adyson finally got brave enough for Soarin' and couldn't get enough of it.  That girl, she's braver then she thinks.  Roo isn't scared to try anything.  Except for the salmon I cooked for dinner tonight but that's a whole different story.  Coming home to a quiet house again is hard.  I hate not having you here.

What else?

The girls are thriving.  They really are.  They are scoring top marks in class and both smile more then frown.  That makes me incredibly happy and it helps me feel like I am sorta doing an okayish job as a single mom.  Oh and you should see them ski!  It's so beautiful to see them learn something new.  I can't wait to see where this world will take them.

Oh!  Big news.  We finally got to meet the mother on 'How I met your Mother.'  She's cute and doe eyed and worth the years of the wait.   I think they are gonna have her die on the finale, just like we thought.   (What do you bet she has cancer?  What a kick in the arse that will be.)  I was sad you never got to see her.  I know you don't care...but still, made me sad.   And guess who's back on 'The Amazing Race'....the Utah dad and son.  The girls and I are rooting for them!

I have to get taxes done this week.  Um...add this to the list of crap I hate doing without you.  I took for granted that you just did it all.  Thank you for that.  I don't think I do it as gracefully as you did.  I also hate changing light bulbs, running to the store for that one random ingredient I forgot.  I also miss your mad computer skills...the computer is doing some strange things and I don't even know where to start!  I loved your computer nerd skills.  I loved your computer nerdiness in general.

I'm trying to force myself to really try to take care of me again.  I'm trying to run. (Failing, but trying).  I'm skiing again.  That is good for me!  The sun and the blue skies are just what I need.  I'm forcing the kids to do jobs around the house and to be helpers.  It's good for them to be self reliant and I just can't do it all.  My friends and family is taking good care of me.  And the great neighbors too.  I'm working on being better.  I get mad if people give me special treatment, but then I get mad when I'm treated just like nothing ever happened....I'm a bit of a mess sometimes, but you were married to me so you know how crazy I can be.  I'm working on it and trying to figure out a good balance.  And I think it's ok that I'm a bit nuts.  I am a widow, after all.

Anyhow, we are surviving.  That's really about all I can say when people ask.  We have really bad moments, and really good ones too.  I try to smile and be strong for the girls but sometimes it's all pretty fake.  Remember me telling you the beauty school saying 'fake it till you make it'?  Well, that's how I feel.  I'm hoping making it happens sooner, rather then later.  I miss texting you during the day and telling you the many, many random things that have happened throughout the day.  I miss you laying on the couch with your socks hanging half off your feet.  I loved how you did that. I miss cooking for you!  The girls complain mostly and the cookies never get eaten all gone.  I made soft pretzels (our favorite Sunday treat) the other day for the first time since you passed.  We had leftovers and I had to give them to the neighbors.  I hated eating mine all alone without you here telling me how delicious they are.  Plus, I was tempted to eat yours!  (Okay fine, I ate yours.)  I miss your laugh.  I miss knowing that someone else loved the kids as much as me.  It's hard being that parent...the only one who wants whats best and who has to make sure they survive and thrive.  That part is the very worst.  When I think of them not having you here.  I hate it for them even more then I hate it for myself.

There are a million small things every single day that I want to tell you.  Things I know you'd roll your eyes at, or laugh at....and for sure have a really sarcastic comment to add to mine.  I hate that I can't tell you our small successes or our failures.  I hate that you can't help me figure out the best way to sort our finances, where you kept our last tax return, and I hate that I am so behind on the Aggie games.  I never remember to look to see when they play or if they won.  I miss you just doing that for me.  (And I miss your loud clap too!)  I hate that I am already forgetting a lot about us, and you.  I do know that I wont ever forget how good we had it.  I promise you that. 

Anyhow,
I still love you.  Still miss you.  And still am grateful for you and your lasting love for our little ladies.

Can't wait till we meet again-I plan on squeezing the crap out of you and not even worrying about your rib.  I really, really can't wait for that day.