How are we doing?

I get this question a lot.

The answer is always the same....

"it depends on the second."

And that's the truth.

 This house is full of girls who ALL

grieve differently.

 I feel like I'm running an obstacle course each day

trying to figure out who needs what and how to help.

And because I'm SO incredibly busy,

(my to-do lists grow longer every day....I never knew how much crap 

there was to deal with after someone passes away.  But that is a different post!)

I forget that I'm sad....

until I'm not busy and then it slaps me in the face a bit.

The other day I finally had a minute to myself and went

to call my sister,

and my fingers just automatically called Trav's work number.

Slap.

Or the other day when Adyson said,

"Mom, during the funeral, as I was up singing,

I saw Grandpa hug Grandma, and Cody (my brother)-hugging Amy, 

and Jody hugging Heather (My sister)-

and no one was hugging you.  Who is gonna hug you now?"

Slap. Slap.

And honestly,

and oddly,

and kinda funnily...

is that the worst is when I find a new recipe I can't wait 

to cook and think-

'I wonder if T will like this?'

Or today when I read an article on an ex Aggie player

and I thought

'Trav is gonna love this!'

Slap. Slap.

The very worst of it was yesterday when I 

charged Trav's cell phone so I could make sure to get all

of his pictures and videos off of it.

It beeped with text messages from Sienna that simply said,

"I love you."

They were sent just hours before I charged it.

Punch.

That one hurt.

 These moments happen quite often.

I miss his sarcasm and wit.

I miss ESPN being on in the background.

(Never thought that could happen, but I do miss it.)

I miss his voice.

Even when I felt horrible and worried in the past,

as soon as I heard his voice I felt ok.

I loved his voice.

But the very worst part of all of this,

is seeing my girls miss him and ache too.

I really want them to remember every amazing detail about him.

I will not pretend Trav was perfect,

but he was pretty darn close.

Travis is patient, caring, loving, and supportive.

That man didn't miss a game/dance recital/ or special event.

And he really loves me and they got to see that in his actions.

I want them to remember that example.

 I just wish that we wouldn't have so much 

forgetting time before we see him again.

 Today I had a few meetings and I made my parents tag along.

During one of them my dad made the comment about me being 

a 'single lady.'

First, I'm immature enough that I instantly laughed and heard Beyonce in my head.

But really.

 (Your singing it now too, right?)

But I still can't believe that this is my life.

I am a widow.

A single lady.

And my sweet kids lives are 'one parent' kids.

That being said,

I do know that the face slaps will become less,

and that we can get through this as a little family.

Were doing it day by day and second by second.

 

May 2, 1975-October 11, 2013

“The time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.” 
(2 Tim. 4:6–7.) 


Friday October 11th, I lost my best friend.

I still feel really can't believe that he's gone.

And that I am a widow.

A widow?

On October 2nd

I wrote my last post about how time wasn't really on our side.

I thought we had a few weeks.

I never would have guessed 9 days later Travis would be gone.

Words can't express the emotions that I am going through.

That my amazing, incredible, courageous girls are going through.

That our entire family is going through.

 Now, more then ever,

I'm in awe of Trav's strength.

He fought, and fought.

Even when his mind was ready to go,

his body didn't know how to quit.

This past few weeks my home has been full of people who

love Travis.

 It became a boarding house for family members to come

and care for him.

And to say goodbye.

At all hours of the night you could find 

members of the Johnson family and The Kidman family

sitting around the table doing a puzzle, 

sharing memories,

or sitting by Travis holding his hand to comfort him,

and telling him it's okay to go.

 We laughed a lot.

We cried a lot.

And I feel as though we have bonded so closely,

a last gift from Travis.

I love him.

I miss him so much that I just ache inside.

But I also feel a sense of relief.

I feel as though I've mourned pieces of Travis over the past 2 years.

I mourned when his rib hurt so bad he had to stop golfing.

I mourned when he was finally to weak to pick up the girls.

I mourned when food stopped tasting good and he stopped enjoying eating.

I mourned every time his bedtime became earlier and his alarm went off later.

I mourned each night when I'd wake up to give him pain meds.

And I mourned every time he had to go to the Dr.

I've had a head start in this process.

My Travis has been lost piece by piece.

He has just been so sick.
I am grateful that he is free of pain.

That the next time I see him-he will be complete again.

And then,

well then we are gonna enjoy every second of our new life together.
I'm gonna squeeze him so tight and not worry about hurting him.
And those girls are gonna do the same.
I wish the time would fly by till then.

I am ready for us to heal.

It is no secret that our family has been loved in the past few years.

And in the past few weeks we have been blessed beyond measure.

We've had an abundance of food brought our way.

Beautiful flowers, words of love.

The day he passed our entire neighborhood, 

for blocks and blocks, 

was covered in orange.

Orange balloons and bows everywhere.

 Beautiful gifts for the girls left on the doorstep.

I've received so many texts and messages by email and facebook

that I will never be able to respond to them all.

The viewing was held Tuesday night.

I was most scared for this.

I hated having to bring the ladies to see there father this way.

But,

it was a healing night for us.

And such a reminder that the body, and the Spirit are two

completely different things.

I have no doubt that Trav's spirit is resting,

learning, playing, and watching over us.
I loved this scripture shared at his funeral from Enos 1:27
 “And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my redeemer; for I know that in him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father.”

As I drove home in a state of exhaustion that night,

I was moved to tears and I found lanterns lighting up my

entire home.

It was a beautiful thoughtful gesture and it warmed my heart immensely.

 I was touched by how many people came to support our family.

Every single person who came reminded me that we will be ok,

because we are loved.

The funeral was held Wednesday (yesterday) morning.

I don't know how to describe my emotions adequately.

It was beautiful, peaceful, heartwarming, sad, and perfect all in one.

Everyone wore orange.

Orange ties must be sold out in our town.

The church was full of loved ones.

The music was breathtaking.

(My kids sang. I have never been so proud).

The speakers,

Two of Trav's dearest friends,

spoke the words we all needed to hear.

We laughed,

and then cried,

and then laughed again.

Travis would have loved it.

I had so much help with the viewing and the funeral that

I would think of something and it would literally already be done.

I am so grateful.

I really wish I could express just how deep my gratitude goes.

I feel like I have an army of people wanting to help.

I hope I am always reminded of this time,

and will remember to be better in the future.

So here we are,

trying to find our new normal.

I'm not gonna lie,

I'm scared.

Can I be the mom they need?

And how can I do this without my T?

 And how can I get my kids through this?

But I guess we will see..

because we have no choice.

Thank you all for the support you 've shown

as Trav fought his fight.

He loved you all.

He loved all the support we had,

and I think he knew we'd be ok once he moved 

on because that support wont end.

He wasn't a man of many words,

but he told me many, many times how thankful he was.

We have angels surrounding us,

and an army of angels in heaven guiding us,

and I know Trav is leading the charge.

Here is a link to the obituary. 

 

Thanks again to everyone for your love and support.

We love our TRAVSTRONG family.

 

 

The tree that never had to fight 
 For sun and sky and air and light,  
But stood out in the open plain  
And always got its share of rain,  
Never became a forest king  
But lived and died a scrubby thing. 

The man who never had to toil  
To gain and farm his patch of soil,  
Who never had to win his share  
Of sun and sky and light and air,  
Never became a manly man  
But lived and died as he began. 

Good timber does not grow with ease:  
The stronger wind, the stronger trees; 
 The further sky, the greater length;  
The more the storm, the more the strength.  
By sun and cold, by rain and snow, 
 In trees and men good timbers grow. 

Where thickest lies the forest growth, 
 We find the patriarchs of both.  
And they hold counsel with the stars  
Whose broken branches show the scars 
 Of many winds and much of strife. 
 This is the common law of life. 

{Time}

I've been sitting here trying to write this post for a while....

the words aren't coming.

Trav is rapidly getting sicker.

We really thought we'd have a little more time,

but the Lord has other plans.

We met with hospice yesterday and know our time is short.

This is rough.

Our sweet girls understand what is happening as much as they can.

We have always been very honest with them,

but these conversations are incredibly hard....

and there isn't a way to make them easier.

I'm trying to find the balance between being strong for them,

and letting them see that I'm aching as they are.

I wish, so much, that things were different and that we weren't facing

all this ugliness...

but then I'm reminded that we've been facing it for years now.

I'm so tired of watching Travis ache.

We've sugar coated a lot of the past few years,

but they've been extremely hard.

I'm tired of horrible side effects and bad news, and watching him waste away.

So we are accepting this knowing that he is going somewhere

where he will be himself again.

Where he wont hurt.

 That is an extreme comfort to me, and to the ladies.

A few years ago Travis and I were able to go to Spain,

where he served his LDS mission.

He was undergoing treatments, but doing incredibly well

at the time and felt good-and looked healthy.

 We took a bus to a city he spent a lot of his time in,

Aranjuez.

He loved this city and couldn't wait to show me around.

I will never, ever forget him jumping off the bus,

holding onto the backpack,

and walking so fast I had to beg his long legs to slow down so my short ones will keep up.

He looked like a 19 year old missionary to me then.

I remember snapping this quick picture because I thought

he looked so handsome, healthy, and so full of excitement and life. 

I wish you could see the look of joy on his face.

 This picture has brought me a lot of peace the past few

weeks.

I know, without a doubt, that this youthful, healthy Travis will

welcome me and my girls into heaven.

He will probably give me a big smooch and squeeze and he will 

swing those little ladies around in the air.

I can't wait for that day.

All these days in between...those are the hard days.

I'm full of anxiety and dread over the next few weeks and the things 

that we will have to face.

I hate to think of some of the hard things the girls will have to handle.

 I wonder if I can be the parent they need.

But we will take it one day at a time.

We are so grateful to those of you who continue to support our family.

We are blessed in every aspect of our lives,

from his care, work, to our neighborhood and family.

Thank you all for getting us through this hard time.

Waves.

How do I even begin describing our life right now?

It's strange.  And at times completely unreal.  And at times completely normal.

Does that make sense?

No?  I know.  But that is how it is.

We go through a completely normal day...

Trav works.  The ladies go to school.

I bake cookies and clean and do laundry and homework.

And then Trav gets home and he's pretty exhausted.

So we spend time together at home....being completely lazy.

Eating dinner in front of the TV like complete couch potatoes, 

and letting the kids play outside...

they forget to shut the door and the crisp air comes in and our

house feels warm and cozy.

The ladies are ever Trav's champions.

They grab him water when he needs it.

Or a warm blanket if he's cold....

They worry and cry and say the sweetest prayers,

and then they are off being young again and 

distracting themselves by being lovely little girls.

Just as it should be.

They are a breath of fresh air and a reminder that 

God loves us.  Because they are so special.

The way we love our kids, there aren't words to express it.

 

In my head for the past few weeks has been a song by Greg Laswell called comes and goes.

Really, it's not the whole song....but just the lines in the chorous-

"It comes and goes in waves".

That describes it perfectly.

 

It hits rapidly-and hurts.  And then we have to push it back.

We refuse to cry and complain for the time we have.

I mean...at least the entire time.

We will make memories together.

And watch the same mind numbing TV shows.

We will eat our favorite takeout and Trav will still win

at Settlers of Catan.

And when I tuck him in at night it will hurt for a bit again.

It's all very bittersweet.

 

But for now,

life goes on.  

And we are gonna enjoy it while we can.

I wish we didn't have to,

but we can do hard things.

We are incredibly thankful to our lovely family 

and our amazing friends and support system.

We are always so taken care of.

 

 

  Last night yet another event was held in our honor.  Travis wasn't feeling well, and I didn't want to leave him home alone for too long, so I was only there for an hour....but my heart was so full.  Seeing so many people who love Travis all in one room just makes me feel so blessed.  Our family has been able to survive, and live a really normal life because of the generosity of others.  We've been able to pursue chemo's that wouldn't have been an option financially, because others have sacrificed for us.  We've been able to enjoy our time together and make a lot of memories due to the kindness of so many people.  All Travis has been able to think of in the past few weeks is our future.  How to make sure we can survive without him.  He wants to make sure we are taken care of.  I just want to let those who have continually helped us, and to my dear friends who put our latest event together, that it has helped to ease Trav's mind.  Thank you all for always supporting us.  The last 5 years have taught us so much about love and service. I know that in the future, my season is changing...and I sure hope I can pay some of this love forward.

Warrior.

For the past 5 years Travis has been a warrior.

He's done 6 different chemo's.

And not chemo's you get monthly,

but weekly or daily.

He's experienced extreme fatigue.

Nausea.

Stomach Ailments.

Many aches and pains.

Mouth sores,

Throat cankers,

Odd rashes,

and insomnia.

Kidney failure.

Many hospital stays.

Through it all he has worked full time 

(Most of the time).

He's been the best dad.

I'm sorry, but I'm positive there is none better.

He's been the most supportive husband.

He's provided for us.

Made us laugh daily.

Bought us ice-cream.
Made us watch football.

Yelled at every soccer game/dance recital.

Been patient when I ask "Does my hair look ok?"

(Cause, really, he doesn't care).

Through it all we have wondered when we would

run out of drug options-and prayed for many miracles.

And we've had a few.

But that time has come.

Our most recent scan shows a pretty sizable amount

of growth, in pretty much all of the current areas his cancer lies.

We've exhausted all of our treatment options.

Yes, there are a few drugs we haven't tried,

but they are pretty much in the same drug type as ones we've used,

so the chances of them working are nil.

We've prepared for this.

We've known it would come,

but man,

it sucks.

There isn't an eloquent way to put it.

It sucks real bad.

We are going to try to enjoy what time we have left.

We know there isn't enough of it,

but we are gonna do our best to spoil each other while we can.

 We are gonna do our best to remind our kids,

every single day,

that while they may not always have a dad here with them,

they had a dad who fought like hell to be with them as long as he could.

Last week Travis and I celebrated our 11th anniversary.

Today-I am reminded how honored I am to have been able to be by his side

and his partner while he fights.  I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

We appreciate our TRAVSTRONG family who has supported us 

so much through it all.  We love you.

Pictures. Lots of pictures. And a small update.

A quick update:

Travis is doing pretty good right now.

Been handling side effects as well as possible

and we've been able to enjoy life for a few weeks,

which we have reveled in!

He has had an infection in his kidney,

but we are hoping that it is finally going away...

crossing our fingers.

 Labs have been ok,

and we are getting geared up for a scan in the next few weeks.

When that happens,

I will update more.

 

 

But for now,

I was going through my pictures for our family blog and

I realized I have a lot of 'cancer related' pictures that have no home!

So,

here's a sneak peak into our glamorous behind the scenes.

Please, try not to get jealous.

Trav came home from a hospital stay to a house full of balloons from friends.

Amazing, amazing friends.

 Sonic.

It's helpful.

 The ladies sneaking into dads bed.

I can't remember what  stay this is for?

 Love notes.

 Snuggle time.

And also, melt my heart time.

 A visit.

 And a reason to smile.

 And another.

 Reflection in the hospital chair/bed.

Right now I was thinking about my bangs.

I'm sure.

 Dad.

Brought his cup for a visit.

 And more karaoke night!

Adore every single person featured below.

 Especially him.

{Late Night Ramblings}

 (Sometimes when I blog late at night, I wonder if' I'll regret it in the morning...)

I wrote a post a few days ago,

and it was a jumbled mess...so I didn't publish it.

It was pretty much a detailed report of our latest trip to the hospital.

I'm gonna spare you that post.

The gist of it was this:

Travis was in a lot of pain in his lower back/rib area.

Not sure why it hit him SO hard, SO fast,

but we rushed to the ER twice,

and were admitted the second time.

I'll spare you the details about the horrific amount of pain he was in.

But it was a lot.

I wont go into too much detail about how one of the pain meds they gave him refused to 

flush through his poorly working kidney,

making him forgetful, hallucinate, and be completely incoherent.

Funny for a second,

and then really sad.

I was worried he wasn't gonna find himself again.

Oh and that drug also made him have violent, violent jerking he couldn't control.

Think turrets.

I wont tell you exactly what happened when he was given a drug

to control the jerks that he was allergic too.

It was scary.

And sad.

And I'm glad we were at the hospital where they knew what to do.

He was given a nerve block and is home and recovering well,

but it is taking some time.

The pain is better, 

but he is exhausted and has resumed chemo.

It's hard to recover from such a week

when you are filling yourself with poison.

But you know T...

he can't wait to get back to work!

This trip was hard on all of us.

Hard on Travis for the obvious reasons.

So hard on the kids.

Each time he goes in they worry.

And get really homesick,

 (which is funny, because they could go days without coming 

home if we were here...but when we were at the hospital they needed us.)

And it's hard on me.

And for some reason this time was the hardest yet.

It wasn't as terrifying as when his kidney almost failed.

But trying to balance taking care of him,

and being the mom my kids need me to be,

and remembering to eat...

it just was a lot to take in.

And now that we are home,

I've had a hard time kicking back into gear.

I'm tired.

Trav's tired.

When we come home from the hospital,

it's not like things are great and wonderful again.

Travis still has stage 4 cancer.

That has been spreading the past few months.

That we can't find a drug to control.

And each time we go to the hospital it is a reminder of how hard

things will eventually become.

It's an ugly storm.

 I want to change it.

So much it hurts.

And it's summer.

I want to be out there with the rest of the world!

A selfish way to feel, I know, but part of the journey I guess.

This summer we haven't been able to do a thing.

And can't really plan anything, because it's just too hard.

I see others going on vacations,

or even simple day trips to bear lake-and I feel sad for my kids

because this year, we can't really do anything.

I don't resent anyone who gets to do these things...

just wish we were there along with you.

Thank goodness my kids have such great 

neighborhood friends.

I don't think they've realized how little they've done this summer.

And today, 

our air conditioner broke.

It felt like the last straw.

I was feeling extremely sorry for myself.

My Dad came to help and asked when the last time I 

had changed the filter was,

and I seriously lost it.

I can't wrap my head around all the jobs that Trav has done for so long.

The filter?

How the crap do I know when it was last changed?

And I'm trying to learn about our sprinkling system...

And our disposal broke the other day....

and apparently our alan wrench was the wrong size,

so I couldn't fix it.

You see.

I've been a bit overwhelmed.

Tonight though,

I've had a change of heart.

We left our extremely hot house 

and went to my parents for some air.

We played some games with my family.

Travis won them both.

A sure sign that he is improving.

And then came home.

I tucked sweet Roo in first.

I tickled her as I hugged her 

(Her favorite)

and watched her almond eyes squish shut completely because she 

was smiling so big.

I smooched her firm-rosy cheeks 

and instantly felt so crummy for how ungrateful I've been the past

few weeks.

I hope I never forget that little squished up face

scrunched up on her pillow.

It was an eye opener and a slap in the face.

I felt a little lighter when I snuck into Ady's room

to tuck her in.

She's older.

I sometimes try to do the 'hug/tickle' like I do to Sienna,

so she doesn't feel left out,

but she's now old enough that I only get a sympathy laugh.

Tonight Adyson just wanted to chat.

Her eyes were looking extremely blue,

and she was looking extremely grown up.

She talked about what "her calling in life is".

(Right now, it's to be a swimmer).

And when I told her tonight how hard she'd have to work at it,

she looked at me like "duh mom."

And when I told her I think she's beautiful,

she told me the same thing.

She is growing up to be quite a lovely little thing

who is always surprising us.

I'm so grateful for that kid.

I'm so grateful for them both.

 I'm gonna try real hard to pull myself out of this slump.

I think it's completely ok to sink down in it for a while.

We all do that when we are struggling, right?

But while I've been so blue about all the things that 

are missing in our life right now,

I've forgotten how blessed I am that Travis is here.

And that we have the sweetest girls who could light up the darkest room.

I'm not naive.

I know that there are days that I'm gonna feel like I'm drowning.

Watching Travis suffer is just so hard,

and sometimes I'm gonna let myself feel it all with him.

But I hope I can remind myself 

that I have a little face to smooch till she can't breathe she's laughing so hard,

and another little one who just wants to talk to me for as long as I'll let her.

And I am gonna be thankful that I have a husband who will fight through 

whatever is thrown his way.

We are sure grateful for how taken care of we've been

the past few weeks...months...years.

We came home to so many baskets,

cards, gifts, treats...

not to mention the lovely e-mails,

texts and messages sent our way.

For those who have asked,

what can you do?

Right now, we really don't need much.

Still need some privacy.

visitors are hard because

Travis needs to rest,

and when he can,

he does.

 We have been so taken care of already.

Just keep him in your prayers!

Love to all.