Harder.

I don't wanna be a downer.
But this is hard.
Travis fakes that he is doing ok pretty well.
He looks healthy.
He smiles a lot.
And if you ask how he is feeling,
he will flat out lie to you.

He is not doing ok.
He is in an awful lot of pain.

If he is finally able to sleep,
he groans cause it hurts.
Or he wakes up drenched in sweat,
but mostly he just lays there trying
to get comfortable.
I'm not sure when his
last night of decent sleep was.

For some reason the past few
weeks things have gotten harder
and harder.
Besides the rib pain,
his chest and back hurt quite a bit.
And he has absolutely no appetite.
Eating is hard for him.

Finding the balance of trying to keep
things normal is getting harder.
Trying to be happy in front of the girls
is getting harder.

Life in general is
getting harder.

I'm so bummed that
the pain shots he had a few
weeks ago did nothing for him.
It hurts my heart to see him in pain.

He spoke to the Dr. in Salt Lake who
will start his treatments next week
and she has requested that he go get
another chest x-ray to see what the
heck is going on in there....
So he's getting that done today
and I'm hoping there will be an
answer to what we do next.

I hate the thought of him
starting IL-2 feeling this awful,
because let's face it...
it's just gonna get worse next week.

I've known for years that there
would come a day when we'd have to
really face this,
instead of skirt around it,
but never knew how awful it would be.

Please pray that the IL-2 works for him.
Please pray that he finds some comfort.
Please pray that the Doctors can figure out how to help him.
And pray that our cute little ladies will feel like life is good...

And pray that I don't lose my mind too, if you'd like.
We continue to appreciate all that is done for us,
even if this post sounds a bit whiny!
We don't take any of it for granted.

Disney recap, A Delay, and Many Thanks

DISNEY RECAP
(I'll update the family blog with the whole trip in a day or two!)

We are home from our little family vacation.
The weather was lovely.
The girls were too.

But it was a rough week.

I failed to mention in my last post
that Trav's rib pain is back.
He went in the week before we left
and got 2 more shots,
and they didn't do a thing for him.

That made the 12+ hour drive
and the walking miles on asphalt all day at Disney
pretty miserable for Travis.

Man, it's hard to swallow it all sometimes.
We wanted a week.
Just one lovely pain free week!
For the love!

It's a pretty constant pain,
but then at times it's REALLY intense.
Like he'd be doing ok, not great, but ok...
and then I'd look over and he would get this
awful look on his face and you could tell
even breathing was hard.

And then I'd say,
"you ok?"

Oh man,
poor Trav was so sick of me asking
"you ok?"
by the end of the trip!

We just slowed down a lot
and did our best to make sure the
ladies loved every second.

Trav's a good dad.

I know it was rough on him
but he made the best of it and
faked that he was ok.
Have I mentioned how much
I adore that husband of mine?

I don't want to sound like I'm
complaining, because we were still
in 85 degree weather and in
DISNEYLAND!
So of course, we had a great time
and we are so grateful to have been able to
spend a whole week together as a family.
And there were many fun filled moments.

A DELAY

Anyhow,
While we were there the Dr. called and told
us they have to reschedule our start for IL-2
and push us back another week.

We are annoyed.
And bummed.

Trav is so ready to start.
Ready to try and attack the
stuff that is making his life miserable.

I had notes to teachers,
carpools figured out.
Babysitters for the week all scheduled.

And now we have to redo all that.
So I have a week to regroup before we head
to Salt Lake and begin.

We will be ready.
And I will be sure to update as often as I can when we start.
Keep praying for Trav.
His poor body needs some relief.

THANK YOU!

I can't end this post on such a bad note.
I cannot say how incredibly overwhelmed with love
we both have been over the past few weeks.
Sunday, as we drove through the desert
I had about a million texts from friends, ward members,
and loved ones who were fasting for our family.
It brought me to tears.

We are so incredibly thankful for the
donations people have made, dinners that have
been brought, offers to babysit, prayers on our behalf,
cards in the mail, texts, comments, and e-mails.

I hope you all know how grateful we are.
It's just overwhelming.
We feel very-very blessed.

I'll update soon.
Thank you all for checking in.

2 weeks....

Today was a VERY long day
and the last big prep day
before our trip to the
happiest place on Earth...
and then our stint in
what I'm picturing to be
the
unhappiest place on Earth.

We stayed downtown in Salt Lake last night
because we had to be at Huntsman at 7:45 this morning.
We both loved that we got to drive right in the blizzard

on the trip down.

Here's our view from my icy windshield as we left for the hospital.

Our First stop was at Huntsman where they took
vitals, blood, and filled Trav with fluids to help
protect his kidney for the CT scan.
That took about an hour
leaving us with about 5 minutes to make
the 10 minute drive to the place where the CT scan was.

We then wasted an hour and a half exploring
the Cancer Institute. We figured we better get comfy
with that place! If your wondering,
I found my favorite nook
on the 6th floor and we both dozed there
for a minute.

Then T went to get an shot to prepare him for his bone scan.
Afterwards we had a few hours to waste till the actual scan.
We headed to Whole Foods to grab a small bite to eat
and had to laugh at how many people lunch their
with their MacBooks.
Like how we pretended I was taking a pic
of T so I could really capture the awesomeness of it all?

We still had quite a while to waste so Trav and I
browsed around Trolley Square and ran into this sign.
We went upstairs so we could see the movie scenes
playing out below and saw Tori Spelling filming a
Christmas movie.
I was pretty bummed they wouldn't let
me take a picture.
(I can freely admit my love of 90210 in my younger years.)Wow...I should really focus on the cancer stuff
on this blog cause I guess that's what your hear to read...

Back to it.
We went back and Trav got his Bone scan
and I spent an hour napping again on the 6th floor.
And then we headed to meet with our new Doctor
and get results and finalize our plans.

Usually when Trav gets a scan they compare them
to his previous scans to see if there has been any growth.
This time, they didn't do that.
They really just wanted a base line scan
to use to compare to his next scans after the first round of
IL-2. I was really worried about the scans this time
being that he hasn't had any treatments in 3 weeks.
I kept picturing the Dr. telling us that the cancer was
everywhere. I gave myself a good scare.

We read the scans though and it looks like things are fairly
similar to our last scans. There might be small changes but
nothing that jumped out at us and looked too worrisome.

Travis also went down a few weeks ago to get
some heart tests done and an infusion of
a bone strengthener.

The Dr. checked the scans from today
and tests from last week, labs, stats, and deemed him worthy
to begin everything on the 12th, though they were a little concerned
that Travs white count was high and they can't really see a reason for it,
they still think he will be fine to start.

So we are bracing and preparing for it all to begin.
And man, it's scary!

Our beautiful and amazing ward family
is fasting for us this Sunday.
Words cannot express our gratitude
to our ward for the support they've given
us over the past few years.
They bring dinner more often then we deserve.
They shovel sidewalks, mow lawns.
They help me out whenever I'm in need,
and always give Trav encouraging words.

We are so grateful to be near them,
and so grateful for all they do for us.

Many of you have asked how you can help,
and we'd love to have you join the fast if you'd like.
And feel free to pray.

Also, if your child is a friend
of our little ladies, we'd sure appreciate it
if you wouldn't let them know how really
scary this treatment is. We've told our kids
he wont feel great, and that we will be
away for a while each time,
but feel they don't really need to spend
the weeks in total fear.
It's a big enough change as it is.
They hear a lot from their friends who've had
relatives battle cancer and it really worries them
at times.
We are so grateful to their friends and
their parents for treating our kids like their own.

Trav is able to have visitors during the
treatment weeks if he feels up to it.
If you want to come,
let us know.
I have a feeling we will
both really appreciate it during
the monotony of it all!

Thank you all in advance for helping us
make things run smoothly.
We've had to mix up carpools,
make people take days off of work,
make teachers aware of everything
and I realize that this affects so much more then
our little family.
Thanks to our families for being willing
to drop whatever they have to to help.
I have a feeling between my mom and
Trav's, the ladies wont want us to come home!
Thank you to everyone who has jumped in to help.

We are overwhelmed with love and kindness.
And nerves.
And terror.
(I kid.)
Not really, but kinda.

PS-You should go here and help if you can.
Adam was one of my dear friends in high school,
in fact-he took me driving before my own parents did. ;)
And he is a pretty amazing person, who married someone
who seems just beautiful and so strong to me.
And they are part of our ugly cancer club.
She is battling hers for the 3rd time and
is in need of a BMT.
And their story is lovely.
Make sure to watch the video
cause it's just beautiful.
They could use some good vibes and prayers headed their way.

PSS-Love to all.

Next Chapter

Today we made the trip to Hunstman
to meet our new Dr. and discuss our next step
for Trav's treatment.

We weren't really sure what to expect,
but both kind of assumed we'd come
home with options and lots to think of.

It didn't really go that way.

Instead
we came home with a plan.

But as I sit here trying to recap the day
it's all a blur.
We were there for 3 hours
and met with 3 different people.
Ran some blood work,
scheduled a whole lot of tests in the next few weeks,
and have been trying to let everything sink
in all afternoon, so forgive me if this post
is a complete incoherent mess.
I'm tired.

The Dr. told us a few stats first.
1-A good chunk of RCC patients cannot take this drug.
Trav can because he is young,
has the correct type of RCC,
and is in really good health (you know, other then the cancer.)

2-47% of the people who can take IL-2 have some sort of
response, meaning shrinkage or the very rare few who have their
cancer disappear.
But remember, that's very-very rare.

3-Because of the drug Trav's been taking for the past 4 years,
the odds of IL-2 working for him go down.
They work completely differently and he has
absolutely NO idea if the IL-2 will respond after Torisel.
Trav will be the first person to try it out in that order.
He said he normally wouldn't even suggest it,
but feels like it's worth a shot because of T's age and health.
He then said that he wants Trav to stop taking Torisel, right now.
So for the next 4 weeks it will get out of his system.
I totally get where he is coming from,
but am highly afraid of the cancer having a field day for
the next 4 weeks with no treatments to stop it.
But-I have complete trust in the Dr and if he says it's ok...
I guess it is.
Right?
Reassure me, someone.

After that, we both felt a little deflated
until he said it's basically your best, and only shot
at getting rid of the cancer.
It's a small chance, but it's a chance and that's something.
His words: "Your young, you have to try to get rid of it if you can."

And that pretty much sealed the deal.

Minutes later we were meeting with a lovely Dr.
who actually is there while administering the drug
and would pretty much be with us through it all.
I liked her. She put me at ease.

So here's the plan so far-
We go in 2 weeks Trav to run some tests- (heart, stress)-
and he will get a dose of a drug called Zometa to help
strengthen his bones.

Then on the 1st of March he will go in for a
Scan, Bone Scan, and we will meet the Dr. with the
results to make sure his body is capable for the drugs.

Then...March 4th....we head to Disneyland.
Yep, you read right,
Disneyland.
We had booked a trip just before all
of this crap started, and the Dr. feels completely
okay with us going...so we're going.
Feeling slightly guilty about spending the money,
but so excited for a week together,
just the four of us.

And we are gonna need it because
2 days after we get home
we will head to Salt Lake to begin treatments.

It goes a little something like this:
They admit him in the ICU and insert a picc line.
And then they start administering the first dose of IL-2.

It's basically like giving him the superflu.
He will have pretty bad convulsions, sweats,
fever, throw-up, diarrhea, and everything that comes
along with the flu.
But times 10.

They do a dose, and monitor him the whole time
and check his stats after each dose.
If his body is up for it,
they do another...and another...and another.
Ideally they will get up to 10, but some people quit
sooner. They just have to watch your body very closely.

They did make sure to let us know that
they've never had anyone at their hospital die
while administering it...
Comforting-huh.

After 5 days in the ICU he will come home
and recover for about a week,
and then go back and do it all over again.

After the second time he gets 6 weeks off
and then they do a scan to see if the drug is
having any effect. (Meaning shrinkage, or just stability).

If it is, we do it again.
And it's the same process.
We can do it up to 4 times.
And pray hard that Trav is one of
the few who has complete response.

Can you imagine?

How are we feeling you wonder?
Scared of what's to come.
A little sad that our way of life is changing a bit.
Sad that Torisel has quit working.
There's only so many options for us,
and now one of them is done.
Worried about work.
Worried about money.
Worried about our kids.
I'm worried about Travis.
About how he's gonna feel.
How I'm gonna be able to juggle him, the kids
and everything that comes along with it.

Oddly enough though,
With that huge list above,
I feel a little excited that maybe there is
a shot that something could help.
Feeling grateful that we have such
an amazing cancer institute so close
that is able to do the procedure
(there are only 35 in the US that can).
So grateful to have specialists looking
over his case, and qualified to do this with us.
We are gonna be praying hard around
these parts...
feel free to join in.

If you are still reading this,
you deserve a medal for making it
to the end of this ultra-long post.

Wish us luck!

Update

Trav went in Tuesday to meet with a
pain specialist.
The Dr. was able to give him a shot and burn the
nerves that were causing all the pain.

So far it seems to have helped quite a lot.
He is able to move around a lot more and
it's not near as sensitive.
He still hurts in the morning an isn't sleeping
as well as he would like,
but I think will improve.

It's nice to see him laugh without
wanting to cry out in pain again!

We meet with a Dr. at Huntsman
in February so we are taking it easy
until then and enjoying what might be our
last few weeks of normalcy for a while.

We are both still very nervous
for what's to come,
but also so grateful that we have options.

Options are good.

I'm hoping we have nothing to
report till we meet with him.
Thanks again to everyone.
For everything.

One Wish Cache Valley

This past week we were given
a lovely gift
from
One Wish Cache Valley.

Read about it here.
It was such fun!

And link to their website here.

New Blood

Trav went in for his infusion yesterday
and got a few bags of
new, healthy blood.

It is absolutely amazing to watch
his color brighten
as the blood drips into his veins.

I know, that sounds pretty gross,
but really, it's so amazing to
see his color look
SO
healthy again.

I like new blood.
Trav does too.
He says he feels like he has
a little more energy.

That being said he still doesn't have enough.
He tires very easily right now
and his appetite isn't 100% just yet.
His rib pain is still there, but
it's not nearly as acute as it was before.
Hopefully Tuesday the pain specialist
will be able to straighten him out
so he can get some sleep at night.

We both feel like if he starts to sleep,
he will feel about a million times better.

Thank you all so much for your concern,
texts, e-mails, phone calls, delicious dinners,
and mostly your prayers.

We feel really very blessed and lucky
to have such great friends.

I am really hoping he will get some energy back
this week and be able to go back to work.
It's good for him to be there with his work friends,
and be busy.
And routine would feel so nice
compared to this awful week of
watching t.v. and trying to find a little normalcy.

Mostly we are ready to know exactly what the next
year of our life will look like
and ready to ask the new Dr. all the questions brewing
in our minds.

We have no idea what the timeline is like
for IL-2. No idea how he will feel when he is
there getting treatment, how he will feel afterwards.
How much it all costs, how often it is administered...
you get the drift, right?

Anyhow, just wanted to let everyone know
that Trav is doing better today then before,
and we both feel like he will continue to improve.
Thanks again to all for everything!

I will update again Tuesday when we come up
with a plan to battle this pain.