Tuesday, November 19, 2013

{Feeling Heavy}

Just after Travis passed away I felt such a huge amount of relief.
The last few weeks leading up to his death were pretty horrible.
I was ready for us to begin to heal.
I was ready to do some of the hard work-it felt like my turn-he'd done his time.
So for that first month, I went full force.
I planned the funeral,
 cleaned the house.
I figured out every bill-
my health insurance,
and the many...many....many...many details that need tending to when someone passes.
I took the girls shopping.
Let them play with friends.
Made sure they weren't missing out on anything.
My friends would bombard me at night and stay till much past our bedtimes.
I felt light.
It had just been so hard for so long-and I knew this was better for him,
so I felt light.
This past week, 
that light feeling has gone and at times it feels like someone is squeezing my heart.

That husband of mine.
He is missed so deeply and profoundly.
The other day my sweet Roo told me she can only remember Travis being sick,
and she can't remember any fun memories.
I had a hard time with this,
because I feel the same way.
Those recent memories are so fresh.
And many of the things that transpired the week of his death,
I'd be so happy to forget.
I wish we could get some of the older memories to feel so close to the surface!
I was so glad to be able to tell her that I completely understand,
and now I'm really focused on making sure we have those memories somewhere tangible.

We have a beautiful DVD of pictures of us as a family.
Photos all around the house.
Ive made the girls each beautiful books with pictures of them and their Dad.
When I look at it,
I am so grateful that I married someone who was such a great father.
Some of these pictures,
taken years ago before the cancer really took his toll,
they take my breath away and just make me hurt inside.
It's a love/hate thing.
I love to see him looking so healthy and happy,
but man-I miss seeing him like that-full of life and joy.

 He loves those girls.
He couldn't possibly have loved them more.
And I really feel like as we look at the happy memories,
they will become more vivid to us.
I sure hope so anyways.

Today as I was cleaning out our filing cabinent,
I came across the journal Trav kept when we were dating.
I can't tell you what a joy that was for me to read.
I just laughed and cried the entire way through.
A beautiful reminder that he really, really loved me.
He was smitten.
That death wont change that.
Nor will our time apart.
This is a treasure-and an answer to my prayers.

We are still doing ok.
We are learning the ropes of how to manage just being the 3 of us.
And I think for the most part,
we are grieving in a healthy way.
We are still making lots of memories,
and laughing together,
and crying together when we need to.
I thought I'd post his beautiful headstone that was put in this week.
The ladies helped me deck it out for Christmas.
Thanks to all of you who continue to pray for us,
and who have been here every step of the way.
I am so incredibly grateful to be taken care of like I always am.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Capturing the moments

Today marks a month since Trav passed away.
It's so strange to think I haven't heard his voice in a month.
We've never gone a full day without talking before this.
I sure miss his voice.
That being said,
today I've taken Sienna to the Dr. (Strep).
Ran to the store to get medicine.
Made a desperate run for Diet Coke.
Did some laundry.
Snuggled my Roo.
And have watched a few too many episodes of 
Austin & Ally.
(So sad. So true).

It's been just another day,
and I'm grateful for that.
I feel blessed to be a mother.
I feel blessed to have a cozy house.
And I feel blessed that I had a love that really can carry me through all of this.
We are doing ok.
 We miss him,
but we aren't sitting around crying.

He'd surely cuss me out for that in the future when we meet again.
(I have a few things I can't wait to ask him.  The list grows longer each day.)

I thought I'd post some of the lovely images caught
by some of my dear friends during the week of the funeral.
Thank you Eileen, Jenny, and Kelly.
You ladies are so talented!

My dear friend (and really family), 
Tami set up the display for the viewing.
It was a beautiful tribute.
 My friend Courtney designed the programs.
I thought they were so beautiful.

My beautiful sister-in-law and handsome brother.
I adore these two.
 Sienna and her teacher.
Adyson's teacher came also.
They have wonderful teachers this year who are so aware
of each and every need.  I adore them.
 Trav's lovely sisters, Michelle and Tiffany
 Larry and Lorraine,
Trav's parents.
 My sisters, Amy and Heather.
I was quite nervous for the viewing and these two
promised to watch over me like a hawk.
And they took that job seriously.
They didn't leave my side and carried me through the night.
They are my best friends.
 Me and my gorgeous Roo.
 A few of my idols,
Julie Redd and my Aunt Sue
 My gorgeous niece, Breje. 
how did she get so old?
 Heather will hate me for posting this,
but it's the only pic of Adyson and I at the viewing.
I'm so proud of the grace my girls have.
They are amazing.

The night before the funeral some of my wonderful friends
hung these gorgeous orange bows all around the church.
It was a lovely gesture.

And have you ever seen a cooler hearse?
Yes, that's a TRAVSTRONG sticker.
This made the ladies day.
 This picture.
It makes me tear up just looking at it.
Me, comforting the girls,
while my dad, brother, and father in law comfort me.
I adore this photo.
The Pallbearers. 
Larry, Devin, Mike, Cody, Ron, Jody

The ladies let go of orange balloons and sent a promise up to Daddy.

 My everything.

I also really love this picture.
My sister-in-law Amy and I.
The week Trav passed away Amy pretty much took care of me.
Afterwards she knew I would need a clean house,
so she cleaned it.
She knew I'd need a big Diet Coke,
so she'd buy it.
I adore her.
 Candace and Julie, some of my dearest friends.
 Devin, Trav's Brother.

 My mom bought the girls and all of their girl cousins these beautiful orange 
necklaces to wear.
So sweet and a treasure.
 Some of my favorite friends.
 These amazing men were in the Bishopric with Travis.
They will never know the influence they had on him.
He loved each and every one of them.
 My parents.
No words for how much I adore them.
They are here before I ask and would do anything for me.
I love them, and know how loved I am by them.
And am so grateful they love Travis like they do.
 This one breaks my heart a bit.
 Adyson and her best friend Lexi.
Our girls have beautiful friends.
I am so grateful to them!
 The cousins, sans Lucy who was. not. having. it.
 My brother Cody and I.
Travis was Cody's best friend and Cody has taken his role of taking care of us very seriously.
I never would have thought when we were kids that we would be so close.
I love him.
 This one. 
It's another killer.
My brother-in-law Jody and I.
 Dale and Gloria Jensen
Dale spoke at the funeral,
and did a beautiful job.
One of Trav's dearest friends.
 The Mullens.
Our best friends.
Kevin also spoke and did a wonderful job.
Beautiful flowers from my family.

And the luncheon afterwards,
put on by my ward and an army of friends.
Please excuse the way I look in ALL of these photos.
I can assure you I felt even worse then I looked, 

Candace, Julie, Katie, Me, Kristin
 Ate and Johanna,
My lovely grandparents.
 The Wolfley Clan
 Eileen And Steph,
some of my favorite friends.
 Lorraine and I
About a week (or 2? It's a big blur!)
after Trav passed away,
the girls' school held TRAVSTRONG day.
A day where all the kids wore orange 
and they let of balloons in Trav's honor.
All this to support my kids.
Have I mentioned I live in an amazing community?
This is why we can do it...
because our support is overwhelming!
It was a beautiful day!